Shrek Page #7

SHREK:

Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those

fairy tale creatures!

FARQUAAD:

Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you

a deal. Go on this quest for me, and

I'll give you your swamp back.

SHREK:

Exactly the way it was?

FARQUAAD:

Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

SHREK:

And the squatters?

FARQUAAD:

As good as gone.

SHREK:

What kind of quest?

Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field

heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.

DONKEY:

Let me get this straight. You're gonna

go fight a dragon and rescue a princess

just so Farquaad will give you back

a swamp which you only don't have because

he filled it full of freaks in the first

place. Is that about right?

SHREK:

You know, maybe there's a good reason

donkeys shouldn't talk.

DONKEY:

I don't get it. Why don't you just pull

some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle

him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds

his bones to make your bread, the whole

ogre trip.

SHREK:

Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have

decapitated an entire village and put

their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,

cut open their spleen and drink their

fluids. Does that sound good to you?

DONKEY:

Uh, no, not really, no.

SHREK:

For your information, there's a lot

more to ogres than people think.

DONKEY:

Example?

SHREK:

Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.

(he holds out his onion)

DONKEY:

(sniffs the onion) They stink?

SHREK:

Yes - - No!

DONKEY:

They make you cry?

SHREK:

No!

DONKEY:

You leave them in the sun, they get

all brown, start sproutin' little white

hairs.

SHREK:

No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres

have layers! Onions have layers. You

get it? We both have layers. (he heaves

a sigh and then walks off)

DONKEY:

(trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both

have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,

not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody

loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

SHREK:

I don't care... what everyone likes.

Ogres are not like cakes.

DONKEY:

You know what else everybody likes?

Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,

you say, "Let's get some parfait," they

say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?

Parfaits are delicious.

SHREK:

No! You dense, irritating, miniature

beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!

And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

DONKEY:

Parfaits may be the most delicious thing

on the whole damn planet.

SHREK:

You know, I think I preferred your humming.

DONKEY:

Do you have a tissue or something? I'm

making a mess. Just the word parfait

make me start slobbering.

They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through

a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying

to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,

so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.

DRAGON'S KEEP

Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to

house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.

DONKEY:

(sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

You gotta warn somebody before you just

crack one off. My mouth was open and

everything.

SHREK:

Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd

be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We

must be getting close.

DONKEY:

Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking

about it's the brimstone. I know what

I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It

didn't come off no stone neither.

They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There

is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where

the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very

foreboding.

SHREK:

Sure, it's big enough, but look at the

location. (laughs...then the laugh turns

into a groan)

DONKEY:

Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said

ogres have layers?

SHREK:

Oh, aye.

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