Shrek Page #6

They look around but all is quiet.

SHREK:

It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?

DONKEY:

Hey, look at this!

Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box

marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors

open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin

to sing.

WOODEN PEOPLE:

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect place.

Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.

DONKEY:

Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready

to run over and pull the lever again)

SHREK:

(grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)

No. No. No, no, no! No.

They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

FARQUAAD:

Brave knights. You are the best and

brightest in all the land. Today one

of you shall prove himself...

As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena

Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.

SHREK:

All right. You're going the right way

for a smacked bottom.

DONKEY:

Sorry about that.

FARQUAAD:

That champion shall have the honor -

- no, no - - the privilege to go forth

and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona

from the fiery keep of the dragon. If

for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,

the first runner-up will take his place

and so on and so forth. Some of you

may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing

to make. (cheers) Let the tournament

begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is

that? It's hideous!

SHREK:

(turns to look at Donkey and then back

at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.

It's just a donkey.

FARQUAAD:

Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who

kills the ogre will be named champion!

Have it him!

MEN:

Get him!

SHREK:

Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps

into a table where there are mugs of

beer)

CROWD:

Go ahead! Get him!

SHREK:

(holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just

settle this over a pint?

CROWD:

Kill the beast!

SHREK:

No? All right then. (drinks the beer)

Come on!

He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel

of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the

other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides

past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.

As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger

beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.

Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much

fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice

to say that Shrek kicks butt.

DONKEY:

Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek

gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.

SHREK:

Yeah!

A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time

and sees him.

WOMAN:

The chair! Give him the chair!

Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men

are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding

sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.

SHREK:

Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you

very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try

the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)

The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on

Shrek.

HEAD GUARD:

Shall I give the order, sir?

FARQUAAD:

No, I have a better idea. People of

DuLoc, I give you our champion!

SHREK:

What?

FARQUAAD:

Congratulations, ogre. You're won the

honor of embarking on a great and noble

quest.

SHREK:

Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest

to get my swamp back.

FARQUAAD:

Your swamp?

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