Shrek Page #5

FARQUAAD:

Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives

on Drury Lane?

GINGERBREAD MAN:

Well, she's married to the muffin man.

FARQUAAD:

The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN:

The muffin man!

FARQUAAD:

She's married to the muffin man.

The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

HEAD GUARD:

My lord! We found it.

FARQUAAD:

Then what are you waiting for? Bring

it in.

More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.

They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic

Mirror.

GINGERBREAD MAN:

(in awe) Ohhhh...

FARQUAAD:

Magic mirror...

GINGERBREAD MAN:

Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks

him up and dumps him into a trash can

with a lid.) No!

FARQUAAD:

Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.

Is this not the most perfect kingdom

of them all?

MIRROR:

Well, technically you're not a king.

FARQUAAD:

Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a

hand mirror and smashes it with his

fist.) You were saying?

MIRROR:

What I mean is you're not a king yet.

But you can become one. All you have

to do is marry a princess.

FARQUAAD:

Go on.

MIRROR:

(chuckles nervously) So, just sit back

and relax, my lord, because it's time

for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.

And here they are! Bachelorette number

one is a mentally abused shut-in from

a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi

and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies

include cooking and cleaning for her

two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

(shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette

number two is a cape-wearing girl from

the land of fancy. Although she lives

with seven other men, she's not easy.

Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and

find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows

picture of Snow White) And last, but

certainly not last, bachelorette number

three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded

castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!

But don't let that cool you off. She's

a loaded pistol who likes pina colads

and getting caught in the rain. Yours

for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows

picture of Princess Fiona) So will it

be bachelorette number one, bachelorette

number two or bachelorette number three?

GUARDS:

Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!

FARQUAAD:

Three? One? Three?

THELONIUS:

Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number

three, my lord!

FARQUAAD:

Okay, okay, uh, number three!

MIRROR:

Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess

Fiona.

FARQUAAD:

Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I

have to do is just find someone who

can go...

MIRROR:

But I probably should mention the little

thing that happens at night.

FARQUAAD:

I'll do it.

MIRROR:

Yes, but after sunset...

FARQUAAD:

Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona

my queen, and DuLoc will finally have

the perfect king! Captain, assemble

your finest men. We're going to have

a tournament. (smiles evilly)

DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section

Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking

lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.

DONKEY:

But that's it. That's it right there.

That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.

SHREK:

So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

DONKEY:

Uh-huh. That's the place.

SHREK:

Do you think maybe he's compensating

for something? (He laughs, but then

groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.

He continues walking through the parking

lot.)

DONKEY:

Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

MAN:

Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

SHREK:

Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing

a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,

screams and begins running through the

rows of rope to get to the front gate

to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.

Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just

- - I just - - (He sighs and then begins

walking straight through the rows. The

attendant runs into a wall and falls

down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then

continue on into DuLoc.)

DULOC:

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