Shrek the Musical Page #5

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Don't be talkin' it's the brimstone,

I know what I smell,

it wasn't no brimstone,

it didn't come from no stone neither.

Oh, hey, look! Oh! This'll come

in handy. Hope it's fireproof.

All right, now you wait here.

I'll be back in a bit.

Wait here? You mean by myself?

Unless you'd rather come slay the

dragon and rescue the princess?

Uh... No, I'm good. Waiting is fine.

I'll just sit here

and twiddle my hooves.

Just don't get into any trouble.

- What kind of trouble can I get into?

- I'm just sittin' and waitin'.

Have a little faith.

Uh... Shrek?

Shrek!

Shrek, is that you?

Oh! Dragon!

Well, hello, gorgeous!

- Is it dinnertime already?

- Ooh! I better get my recipe box.

- Recipe box?

- What's your name, pumpkin?

Oh! Mommy!

Oh, what a coincidence,

that was his name, too.

And his and his and his and his.

You didn't knock

When you entered, baby

- You didn't wipe your feet

- Oh! Geez.

I didn't see

I did not see no "open house" sign

- Is this a Trick or Treat?

- A little help here!

You need to brush up

on fairy tales, friend

- 'Cause dragons like their sleep

- Go on and grab some shut-eye!

I wrote the book on fire-breathing

Why don't you read it and weep?

Actually, I'm already in a book club.

We're reading Angela's Ashes.

I'm gonna shake you

I'm gonna bake you

I'm gonna make you

a donkey pot pie

- What?

- Salisbury steak you

I'll Frosted Flake you

I'll patty-cake you,

my donkey pot pie

Yeah!

Wait a minute!

My, what big teeth you have

They're so sparkling white

I bet you hear this

from all of your food

But you must bleach at night

Is that a hint of minty freshness?

Oh, lam scared to death

I like a girl with

a dazzlin' smile

And Tic Tao on her breath

Oh, whoa, whoa

Don't kill me

Lady with the pretty teeth

I'm gonna love you

And take hold of you

I'll velvet glove you

Velvet glove me?

I My donkey pot pie

I I'm gonna keep you

Little Little Bo Peep you

I'm gonna sweep you

Up into the sky

I'm gonna squeeze you

I'm gonna tease you

I'm gonna please you

I'm gonna have me

a big ol' honkin' sloppy, gloppy

Cherry on the toppy

piece of donkey pot pie

Na-na-na-na-na

Donkey! Donkey!

- Donkey pot

- Oh, no!

Pie-

Whoa!

Whoo!

Whoa!

Oh!

Whoa!

I know it's today

Ooh

I know it's today...

Hello! Anyone up here?

Shouldn't you toss down

some hair or something? Man!

Man! Oh, I should've worn my cup.

Oh, great,

I got one of the snoozers.

Wake up!

- Are you Princess Fiona?

- I am.

Awaiting a knight

so bold as to rescue me.

Oh... Uh...

That's nice. Now let's go.

But wait, Sir Knight!

I have long awaited this day!

And I wouldest first like to knowest

the name of my champion.

- Um... Shrek.

- Sir Shrek!

I pray that you take this favor

as a token of my gratitude.

Oh, yeah... Oh...

- Thanks. So where's the door?

- There is no door.

What do you mean there's

no door? How do we get down?

Why, the same way you got up.

The same way I... Oh, come on!

- I just... All right, let's go.

- Now holdest on, Sir Knight.

Don't you want to savor this moment?

It be-eth our first meeting.

It must be a wonderful

and romantic scene.

Geez, I'm like a crackpot magnet.

This is how a dream comes true

This is how I pictured you

Climbing in to rescue me

This was always meant to be

That's lovely. Now hop on.

This is how the scene must go

You standing... there

The light just so

Then you smile and gaze at me

Take my hand on bended knee

Bended knee

Bended knee!

- Oh!

- Ooh! Sorry.

And though we've only met

Somehow I always knew

It would look like this

when dreams come true

- Hey! What are you doing?

- Well, I have to save my ass.

Easy, I'm in heels.

Brave Sir Knight, slow down a bit

Shut-in girls are delicate

I've longed for this my whole life

long, now you're doing it all wrong

"Down a rope a steed awaits"

That's what every story states

Riding over rough terrain

Past the dragon you have slain

You have slain

You have slain?

- It's on my to-do list.

- What?

Donkey, over here!

- You found the princess!

- He talks!

Yeah, but the real trick

is getting him to shut up!

Oh...

Oh!

Are you there, God?

It's me, Fiona

Less praying! More running!

- Tra-la-la-la-la

- This way instead!

- Tra-la-la-la-la

- Door ahead!

In the end remember

all your dreams come true

Say your affirmations

and love will come to you

If you can conceive it

believe it, achieve it

Mad dragon, yay

Skeletons, hooray!

Pretending I'm not here

Nothing more to fear

Pink ponies, happy sky

Pink ponies, happy sky

Whoa!

Pink ponies, happy sky

Pink ponies, happy sky

Oh, my God! We're gonna die!

- This is how [pictured it

- Oh, boy...

More or less, I must admit

A thumping in my heart

A life about to start

I knew this day would come

and you would find your way

At last my dream comes true

I knew, I knew, I knew

It would be today!

Ow, ow, ow!

Oh! You did it!

You're amazing, you're wonderful!

You're a little unorthodox,

I'll admit,

but thy deed is great,

and thine heart is pure.

- I am eternally in your debt.

- Uh...

And where would a brave knight be

without his noble steed?

All right! Hope you heard that.

She called me a "noble steed!"

She think I'm a steed.

Well, Sir Shrek, the battle is won.

You may remove your helmet.

- Uh... no.

- Why not?

I... I have helmet hair.

Please, I wouldest look

upon the face of my rescuer.

Oh, no, you wouldn't-est.

But how will you kiss me?

What? That wasn't

in the job description.

Maybe it's a perk.

No, it's destiny. "A princess

is rescued by a brave knight

and then they share

true love's first kiss. "

With Shrek? Oh!

You think that Shrek is your true love?

Wah-wah!

- Oh, no.

- What's so funny?

Well, let's just say

I'm not your type, OK?

Of course you are. You're my rescuer!

Now remove your helmet.

Look, I really don't think

that's a good idea.

- Just take off the helmet.

- I'm not going to.

- Take it off!

- No!

- Now!

- OK! Whoa. Easy.

As you command,

Your Highness.

You're an ogre.

Oh, you were expecting

Prince Charming?

Well, yes, actually.

Oh, no. I'm supposed to be rescued

by my true love.

- Not by some ogre and his pet.

- Oh...

- Well, so much for "noble steed. "

- You're not supposed to be an ogre.

Princess, I was sent to rescue you

by Lord Farquaad, OK?

He's the one who

wants to marry you.

Then why didn't he

come and rescue me?

Good question. You should ask him that

when we get there tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

- Oh, my gosh, it's almost sunset!

- So?

Oh, uh... I didn't realize

it was so late. We need to make camp.

Camp?

But you've just escaped!

Yes, and I found the whole ordeal

quite exhausting.

I need to rest immediately.

That's unfortunate,

because we're gonna keep going.

I need to find somewhere

to camp right now!

Very well.

There's a cave right there.

- That is no place for a princess.

- No, it's perfect.

Well, gentlemen,

I bid thee good night!

You want me to read you a bedtime story?

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