Sightseers Page #3

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I'm out at the crack of dawn,

having a reconnoitre.

(DISINTERESTEDLY) Yeah. Are you?

Do you think they liked us?

Ian and Janice.

Chris?

Are you all right?

I didn't like their caravan.

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

IAN:
Um, we're pretty intent

on doing some serious walking.

- I'm writing a book.

- TINA:
Chris.

IAN:
Walks Along the Ley Lines

of Britain.

JANICE:
Actually, it's his third.

TINA:
Are you all right?

IAN:
We're pretty intent

on doing some serious walking.

I'm writing a book.

Walks Along the Ley Lines of Britain.

JANICE:
Actually, it's his third.

TINA:
Do you think they liked us?

IAN:
I'm out at the crack of dawn.

TINA:
Ian and Janice.

- IAN:
I'm writing a book.

- (CHUCKLES)

(# SEASON OF THE WITCH BY VANILLA FUDGE)

# When I look outside my window

(SOFTLY) Chris.

# What do I see?

Chris!

(SNORING)

(MUTTERING SLEEPILY)

# And when I look outside my window

# So many different people to be, yeah

# That it's strange

# So strange

# You've got to pick up every stitch

# Two rabbits running in a ditch

# The hippies out to make it rich

# Oh, oh

# Must be the season of the witch

# Must be the season of the witch

(CAMERA CLICKING)

# Must be the season of the witch

# Must be the season of the witch

(WHISPERING) Poppy!

Chris!

(FAINT DRUMMING)

My God, what is it?

Shamans. They sacrificed

Mr Grant's chickens to the goddess Kali.

Chris, you've got some on you.

Oh, sorry, yeah.

No, I'll get cleaned up in a minute.

Hey, Blue John Cavern

opens in 45 minutes.

I was thinking we should

give another campsite a go tonight.

This one's gone downhill.

MAN:
So how many chickens have you got?

MR GRANT:
Now I've only got nine,

but I had twelve.

Barbara, Margot...

and the cockerel...

Ronnie Wood.

Ian!

Ian!

We might be able to fit in, uh,

Fountains Abbey.

Banjo! What's wrong?

Where's your mummy?

What's happened? Eh?

Chris, look.

What's that?

Banjo says his mummy's

a mean, horrible b*tch

and he wants to come with us.

Oh, I don't think that would be fair

on Ian and Janice.

Banjo?

We don't care about being fair, do we?

No. We just care about being happy.

Bloody things I do for you, love.

TINA:
There we go.

Stay!

Say one f***ing word and it's...

Go, go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go, Chris. Go, go. Go. Go.

Oh, no, Chris, it's Janice.

No. Banjo, down. Down, Banjo.

JANICE:
Ian!

Ian!

(BOTH WHOOPING)

(ECHOING CAVERNOUSLY)

(CHRIS WHOOPING)

(TINA IMITATING MONKEY)

TINA:
Chris?

(WHISPERING) Chris.

You getting anything?

You getting any inspiration?

- Chris.

- Hang on.

- Chris. Chris.

- Shut up, will you?

- Taste that.

- (SHUSHING)

If you haven't started the book yet,

then you might as well

write it about something else.

- F***!

- What?

- F***, f***, f***.

- What is it?

Every time I think I've found my oeuvre,

someone shits on it.

Well, I wouldn't sh*t on you, Chris.

Not unless you asked me to.

Everyone else seems to find it

so easy to express themselves.

I mean, even you've got your knitting,

haven't you?

But the thing is, Chris,

I'm your muse now.

And we've got Banjo.

So everything will be perfect.

You just need to be a bit more patient.

- There's something in me, Tina.

- I'll help you squeeze it out.

CHRIS:
Choose anything you like, love.

TINA:
Anything?

CHRIS:
Anything you like,

as long as it's under 10 quid.

How much is that?

- 60 quid.

- No, you can't have that.

I need walking boots, don't I?

Well, we'll get

the walking boots as well.

WOMAN:
You want a good tread.

Okay.

- You heard about the man, didn't you?

- No.

He slipped on the crag

and went off the cliff yesterday.

- Did you not hear about that?

- No! Did he hurt himself?

Head smashed like a pumpkin.

That's why I'd never have

stone flooring.

Although I do love

that French farmhouse look.

Yeah, it's terrible, isn't it,

when people don't have respect

for the power of nature?

Can't find his dog.

Well, it probably committed suicide.

Dogs will do that.

Tina, why don't you try these?

Look. Give them a go.

- (CHUCKLES) Oh, Chris.

- Eh? Why not?

(BIRDS SQUAWKING)

TINA:
I've got some sad news.

It's about your father.

He's dead.

(WHIMPERING SOFTLY)

Hey. Don't dwell on it.

- How'd it go?

- I had a word.

How'd he take it?

Well, he's all right.

He's a bit shaken but...

- Is he?

- Come on. Come on.

This was a 13th-century ruin

founded by monks. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, maybe I should do

an abbot detective story or something.

What do you think

happened to Ian, Chris?

- Chris?

- Huh?

Chris.

- What do you think happened to Ian?

- What?

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Do you think Banjo

had something to do with it?

Well, yeah, he's probably capable.

He's an animal, isn't he?

Do you think he might have pushed him?

'Cause he was an abused dog.

There might be, uh, blood

on the paws of that dog,

but it's smug complacency

that killed Ian, I tell you that.

Janice looked frigid as well,

didn't she?

(STONE GRINDING)

Chris, look, it's coming out.

(BELL TOLLING)

CHRIS:
I'm a monk.

MAN:
Well, who's this little chap?

Let's have a look.

Oh, Poppy.

- Oh, you're sweet, aren't you?

- (CHUCKLES)

This is Barney.

Barney, come and say hello.

TINA:
Barney.

WOMAN:
Come and say hello.

TINA:
Say hello to Barney.

- Aw! They love each other. Don't they?

- WOMAN:
Well, they're a bit shy.

Yeah, well, often it's like that

when it's love at first sight.

- Isn't it, Chris?

- What?

- It's like you and me when we met.

- MAN:
They're not fighting, anyway.

- TINA:
Speechless. Yeah, speechless.

- Speechless, yeah.

Look at that graffiti there.

"Rob loves Kerry. "

My husband's researching for his book.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I am, yeah.

Actually, it's his third.

You've certainly picked

an interesting spot.

WOMAN:
Are you staying nearby?

Well, actually we're mobile.

(TINA GRUNTING)

(MOANING)

Oh, God, Chris,

this is just how I imagined it.

(BEEPING)

(WHIMPERING)

(MATTRESS BANGING)

(BEEPING)

(RINGING)

(TINA GRUNTING)

(BEEPS OFF)

(GRUNTING)

(BOTH MOANING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

CHRIS:
For Christ's sake!

- Get off!

- What did I do?

Not you. Bloody Banjo.

Poppy!

He's a f***in' pervert.

Get in there. Get in there.

Go on, Banjo. Get in the bloody car.

Chris?

Come on.

(TINA WHOOPING)

(WHOOPING)

(CHRIS CHUCKLING)

- I can fly!

- Whoa!

I can fly, Chris.

- Whoo!

- Whoo-whoo!

Chris? Which button do I press?

Oh, it's okay, I've done it.

Yeah, Poppy!

Chris, there's quite

a nice one of you here.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

Whoo! (CHUCKLES)

Chris, these are a bit saucy,

these ones.

This is not my vagina!

This is not my vagina!

I don't know what you mean.

Janice doesn't look

very frigid to me, Chris!

In fact,

she looks like a very happy girl.

No, that's...

No wonder, when you look at Ian.

That's not Ian. That's me, that.

Were you shagging Janice?

- CHUCKLES:
What are you talking about?

- Were you shagging Ian?

- Don't be stupid.

- Were you shagging both of them?

- Ah, come on.

- Are you gay?

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