Sightseers Page #4

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- What? You know I'm not gay.

- Why are they at a wedding?

What wedding?

(SOBS) Did you go to a wedding

with Ian and Janice, Chris?

- I didn't.

- Was... (SOBBING)

(SOBBING STOPS)

What's going on here?

I wouldn't look. Don't.

Did you kill Ian?

Yeah. Well, I mean...

Why'd you do that?

I didn't mean to.

It was just an accident.

And that just happened.

Can't do things like that.

It's gonna ruin the holiday.

I just did... I did that for you.

FEMALE NEWSREADER ON TV:

The council had fought an injunction

to remove Mr Andrews

and begun proceedings to evict him.

The house has been condemned,

as it was erected

without proper planning permission.

Police now think that Ian Worthing,

whose body was found at the base

of a Yorkshire crag yesterday,

could have killed himself

because of mounting financial pressures.

- Oh! Buy you a drink?

- Yeah.

- No wife?

- No, no, she's, uh...

she's back at the, uh, caravan tonight.

- Oh?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah, so's Joan.

- Is she? Yeah, yeah.

We both said what a nice couple

we thought you were.

Oh, did you? Oh, that's very nice.

Cheers, yeah.

Yeah, no, I love her. Yeah.

Yeah, we're in love.

Yeah, I love her.

Hi, Chris, it's me. It's... It's Tina.

I'm just, um...

I'm just having fun in the caravan.

Um...

I'm just wondering where you are.

It's very cosy,

and I've made some dinner.

Come back?

Ooh, steady. Are you okay?

Yeah.

Got a bit carried away. (CHUCKLES)

- I'll get the car in the morning.

- Come on. There you go.

- Thanks for bringing him back, Richard.

- Oh, pleasure.

- You take it easy.

- You're a legend, mate.

(CHUCKLES) Good luck with the ley lines.

Yeah. See you, mate.

(CAR DRIVING AWAY)

Oh, I think I've got a ley line

running through my head. (CHUCKLES)

(VOICE BREAKING) I thought you'd gone.

Chris, Poppy's stopping.

Poppy's stopping, Chris.

Yeah, good girl.

Aw! You having a little poo? Well done.

Excuse me.

You are going to pick that up?

Well, I haven't, I've... Chris?

This is a site of natural beauty

and geographical interest.

I think you need to sort that out.

- I didn't do that.

- Uh, you need to pick it up.

- I can't... Well, I can't.

- Why? Why can't you?

Well, I haven't got the proper things

to do it with.

Why didn't you bring the proper things

with you if you're out with your dog?

Well, I did bring the proper things...

(SOBS)

... but I'm not having a very good day.

- CHRIS:
Good morning.

- Chris.

- Good morning.

- He's told me I've got to pick that up

- with my fingers.

- Well, a dog does a sh*t.

You know, you can't do much

about that, mate.

You can pick it up

and you take it away with you.

Well, I would have the bags,

but they're in the bloody car

that you've left, drunk,

outside some pub that we can't...

- We don't even know where the pub is.

- Tina, I know where the car is.

- No, you don't.

- I do. I know where it is.

- We are lost, Chris! Lost!

- I know where it is.

- I know... Look, Tina.

- You don't.

Look, I'm sorry, but if you don't

pick up this excrement immediately,

then I'm gonna have to inform

the National Trust.

Actually, do you know what?

I don't think you are sorry, mate.

I don't think you're sorry, either.

- Did he touch you?

- What?

- Don't know. Wasn't concentrating.

- Have a think.

Can you remember everything?

Uh, yes. Yes, he did touch me.

- Oh... (STAMMERS) This is preposterous!

- What else did he do?

- (SOFTLY) He, urn...

- Details.

(WHISPERING)... tried to put

Poppy's bails in his mouth.

- Did you go to a private school?

- That is totally irrelevant, but yes.

Yeah, I thought so. It's the tone.

It's the entitlement you got...

I'm entitled to walk

in the countryside...

- Yeah, you're superior.

- ... without having to encounter

- dog excrement.

- You're not entitled

- to be a bloody bully, mate...

- Put your stick down, for starters.

- ... bullying my girlfriend.

- Leave the turd where it is.

I will point this stick at you!

They still think

it's their country, don't they?

MAN:
It should be for people

that at least respect the countryside.

See how far his A level

in Classics gets him

- when China owns the whole of the UK.

- People like you...

(GRUNTS)

(THUDDING)

NARRATOR:
"And did those feet

in ancient time"

"Walk upon England's mountains green"

"And was the holy Lamb of God"

"On England's pleasant pastures seen"

"And did the countenance divine"

"Shine forth upon our clouded hills"

"And was Jerusalem builded here"

"Among these dark satanic... "

(CRUNCHING)

Report that to the National Trust, mate.

You know, 300 years ago

his ancestor would have strode

down a path just like this, you know,

and he'd have seen some common strumpet

like you and he'd have gone,

"I'm gonna have a bit of that. "

And I'd have had to have stood by

and watched him.

'Cause I'd have been a serf and he'd

have been the bloody lord of the manor.

And they call them "the good old days".

TINA:
I suppose.

If you look at it that way,

you were defending my honour.

Oh, don't thank me,

thank the democratic process.

Never thought about murdering

innocent people like that before.

Ah, he's not a person, Tina,

he's a Daily Mail reader.

Perspective.

Grab it with both hands, it's free.

See if he's got any sandwiches.

CHRIS:
Oh, thank Christ.

(SIGHS) F***ing hell.

I know, get your notebook out.

- Huh?

- Get your notebook out.

Come on, write down your ideas.

Just write down what's happened and

all your feelings and stuff like that.

- Yeah?

- Mmm!

- All right.

- Go on, get it down.

Oh, my God, Chris.

I'm musing.

I'm musing right now. Do you feel it?

My God, I feel amazing.

(SIGHS) Christ, that was hard.

I don't think I'll get

anything more out today.

I think you've found your oeuvre, Chris.

You're not gonna tell, are you?

No.

What are you looking at me

like that for?

This will put 'em off the scent.

(GRUNTING)

Come on, give us a hand.

(BARKING)

Mother Shipton's Cave! (GASPS)

CHRIS:
If you could wish for anything,

what would it be?

Well, if I tell you, Chris,

it won't come true.

I just wanna be feared and respected.

It's not too much to ask

from life, is it?

Can't look at that any more.

NEWSREADER ON RADIO: The man found dead

yesterday at the Kimberly Stone Circle

has been identified as Anthony Breal.

Police are treating the death

as suspicious

and are looking for a culprit

that they are describing

as a dangerous sexual predator.

(INAUDIBLE)

(IMITATING ANIMAL SOUND)

Now be good,

because Mummy and Daddy are going out.

What do you think of this?

CHRIS:
Ah, that is very nice.

Very nice indeed.

Hey, turn round. Turn round.

Why?

- There you go.

- Ooh!

- What do you think? Eh?

- It's an owl.

It's nice, innit?

Excuse me.

Sorry, mate.

Guys! Dinner in five minutes!

All right, mate?

Not seen one of these before.

It's a prototype.

Yeah, all the things that...

You know, all your practical stuff,

you keep down at the end by your feet.

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