Sightseers Page #5

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Do you? Is that where you've got

your toolbox and stuff?

Yeah, yeah, I keep it down there,

like our wind-up torch and that,

- and, uh, my stove.

- Yeah?

Chris!

I'm ready!

...glass fibre epoxy struts,

as used in spacecraft extendable masts.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- I'm Chris, by the way.

- I'm Martin. Nice to meet you.

- Yeah, nice to meet you. Yeah.

- Yeah, you.

- Yeah, I was in plastics.

- Was ya?

Yeah, extrusion blow moulding.

No. Cor, they're given an hard time,

ain't they?

But, here, let's face it,

they're here to stay, mate.

Yeah, preaching to the choir, mate.

Right, yeah, yeah. Nice one. Yeah.

It looks like an alien's coffin.

I call it the Carapod. You know,

what with the ground displacement

of persons due to the instability

of geopolitics,

I'm hoping that this will become a whole

new way of living for economic migrants.

We're trying a whole new way of living.

Aren't we, Chris?

- Oh, are you?

- Tina hasn't travelled much.

Right, right, yeah. I hear you.

Hey, uh, you back later for a beer?

Oh, I don't really drink much but, um,

always up for a bit of smoke,

if you know what I mean.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, great.

- Yeah? Great.

- Nice one.

- Cheers, Martin.

- Cheers. Chris?

- Yeah.

Yeah. Take care.

Right.

(WOMEN CHEERING)

(WHOOPING)

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

One in the pink,

- one on the sink!

- ALL:
One on the sink!

- CHRIS:
It's crazy, this.

- Thank you.

- Madam.

- (CHUCKLES)

Thank you very much.

Uh, can I just ask you, actually,

I've got this, er...

I've got this voucher

- that I picked up about a week ago.

- Oh, right.

Hey, that dress looks a lot better

on you than it did on your mother.

I haven't got any knickers on.

Oh, dear, it looks like

your knife's fallen off the table.

I'll just have to go and pick it up.

I might be five minutes or so.

Can't see anything.

Well, I'm wearing tights.

You know all that stuff

that's been happening, you know...

It's all right, Chris.

It's all right,

because I understand you.

- And I know you...

- Do you?

...and I get it, 'cause it's just about

personal empowerment, isn't it?

It's just expressing yourself

and thinking outside the box.

And I've been in a box.

I don't wanna go back to the box, Chris.

I'd rather die. Do you know that?

You'd rather die?

Yeah. How romantic would that be?

If we both just died together.

Well, I mean, going to salsa's romantic.

We could maybe try that first.

What you're doing is

you're giving to the world.

Take carbon footprints.

By reducing people's lifespans,

technically,

you're reducing their emissions.

What, so you're saying that...

murder is green?

Hmm, I hadn't thought of it like that.

Thanks.

- This beard turns me on, Chris.

- I love it when you do that.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

- Ginger-minger!

- (ALL CHEER)

What's the favourite thing I like to do?

Yeah. With me.

- Oh, well, that's obvious, innit?

(CHUCKLING)

- Put the bins out.

- (LAUGHING)

I like to put the bins out... in my pants

and then have you come over

and rub bin juice all over me leg.

(LAUGHING) What's bin juice?

You know, that bit that you get

at the bottom of the bin

- when all that stuff drips out.

- Oh, yeah.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

- That was Dave!

- Wasn't his real name...

(CHATTERING CONTINUES LOUDLY)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Don't be sick.

You Okay?

(WOMEN CHEERING AND WHOOPING LOUDLY)

WOMEN:
Nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four, three, two, one!

(WOMEN WHOOPING)

(LAUGHING)

(BRIDE-TO-BE SLURS)

Do you wanna have sex with all us?

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

Ooh! (STAMMERING DRUNKENLY)

It's just a bit of fun.

Get off, that's enough. That's enough.

Getting married, are you?

- Yeah.

- Are you?

I am. Aren't we?

(WOMEN CHEER)

What would your fianc

think of this, then, eh?

He'd love it.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

- I'm gonna go and pay the bill now.

- No, let me pay.

Sit down! Sit!

Stay!

(INDISTINCT)

BRIDE-TO-BE:
In a minute!

(# SEASON OF THE WITCH

BY JULIE DRISCOLL)

# When I look over my shoulder

# What do you think I see?

# Some other cat looking over

# His shoulder at me

# And he's strange

# Oh, he's very, very strange

(ALL CHEERING)

# You've gotta pick up every stitch

# You've gotta pick up every stitch

- I like your veil.

WOMEN:
Nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four, three, two, one!

# Must be the season of the witch

(SIGHS)

# Must be the season of the witch

(CHEERING LOUDLY)

(WOMEN SQUEALING)

I'd never do that.

Do what?

Chailey!

Chailey Morris!

Chailey!

- Chailey!

- Chailey!

She's not texting back.

- Chailey!

- Chailey!

(HEAVY BREATHING)

(SHALLOW PANTING)

(SQUEALS)

(MOANING)

(TEARING)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING)

(HISSING)

(GASPS)

(GROANS)

Oh, for Christ's sake, Banjo,

you've pissed the bed.

- (SLEEPILY) Poppy.

- Disgusting.

Where's that necklace?

I'm sure I had it

when we got back from the restaurant.

Well, that's what happens

when you go off schedule.

Chris, are we going

to the Pencil Museum now?

Actually, I told Martin

I'd help with modifications

to the Carapod this morning.

But we scheduled the Pencil Museum.

Well, it's my turn to go off schedule.

Fine.

Come on, Poppy.

Come on. Come on, Poppy.

(GRUFFLY) Come on, Poppy.

Poppy! Poppy! Poppy!

(GRUNTING) Come on. Come on, Poppy.

(GROWLING)

Well, f*** you, then.

How long have you two

been together, then?

Uh, about three months.

Still getting on all right?

Yeah. (EXHALES)

Sex life's f***ing fantastic, mate.

- Is it?

- Better than ever.

- Fair play, mate.

- Yeah.

She don't mind you smoking a bit

of the old herb every now and again?

No, she don't care about that.

She doesn't like me drinking

and she doesn't like me doing her

up the bumhole.

FEMALE NARRATOR ON PA: Legend has it

that in the early 1500s,

a violent storm

in the Borrowdale area of Cumberland

led to trees being uprooted

and the discovery

of a strange black material underneath.

This material turned out to be graphite.

A cottage industry of pencil-making

soon developed,

culminating in the formation of

the UK's first pencil factory in 1832.

The factory has had various owners...

And then like this, sort of disco style.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Excuse me. How much is that big pencil?

24.

Go. Fast as you can.

- Oh, mate. You all right?

- (COUGHING)

- Oh, bloody hell.

- Bloody hell, mate.

CHRIS:
Banjo.

- Banjo. Banjo, get away.

- Ugh!

Go!

NARRATOR:
... becoming

the Cumberland Pencil Company in 1916.

The Lakeland children's range

was launched in 1930,

followed by the Derwent brand

of fine art pencils in...

How did you decide on the size of this

when you were originally...

Oh, from a P&O ferry.

(CHUCKLING)

NARRATOR:
... canteen building,

and advertisements were placed

in newspapers,

seeking artefacts and memorabilia.

The famous Pencil Museum...

(PHONE RINGING)

(SOBBING) Mum.

Is that you, Tina?

Oh, Mum.

- Has it gone wrong?

- No.

Yes.

Yeah, a bit, sort of.

Shall I come? No, I can't. I'm too ill.

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