Sightseers Page #6

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I don't know what he wants.

Oh, they're all the same.

Whatever you give him,

he'll want the opposite.

(SNIFFLES) I've done things.

Ooh, Tina. What?

What have you done, love?

(WHIMPERS)

Sex things?

And other stuff.

Because I thought that was what

he wanted to see me do, you know?

But now I'm not sure.

You didn't let him see you do

number twos, did you, Tina?

Never.

Mystery, Tina, is a woman's sanctuary.

(CURTLY) Bye, now,

'cause I've got stuff to do.

Mum.

(WHISPERING)

Poppy's with the babysitter.

Don't call him that.

Make love to me, Chris.

No, I can't. I'm still processing.

Please.

That poor girl. She was getting married.

Just the thought of that

just makes me feel...

Sexy.

Ruined that restaurant for me.

I've been very bad, Chris.

I think you should punish me.

With your cock.

Tina. It's not sexy. It was wrong.

You're not qualified.

Fine!

(PANTING ANGRILY)

What are you doing?

Finishing what you started.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

MAN ON RADIO:
... have been

at their highest for a decade.

There have been grim warnings that the

country could return to the dark days...

(WOOD CREAKING)

(CLATTERING)

Oh, what the f***?

Pull over!

(SIGHS) F***ing hell.

(MOBILE RINGING)

- (CHEERILY) Morning, Chris.

- Pull over now!

- Oh.

- What the hell are you doing?

I thought I'd give you a lie-in.

A lie-in? Pull over now!

- Fine.

- (TYRES SCREECHING)

Oh, Christ.

Aw. It reminds me

of the first day of the holiday.

No, that was an accident.

I feel a bit emotional,

'cause, you know,

it's the first one we've done together,

isn't it?

- Ah, you're sacked.

- What?

- You're sacked.

- What?

Look... (CHUCKLES)

... this isn't working.

Look, I don't... I don't need you.

I don't need a muse.

I'm not a bloody writer, am I?

No, you're not. You're a serial killer.

- That's what you are.

- I am not. Look, Tina,

I need structure. Organisation.

This is just chaos.

(STAMMERING) It's not my style!

Just... All this...

Oh, I can't open the f***ing door now!

(GROANS)

You did this to me. (GRUNTING) God!

TINA:
You done it to yourself.

- I need justification.

- Really?

- This is just murder.

- Well, maybe this is my style, Chris.

- Yeah, great style.

- Maybe this is my style.

You are really bloody stylish,

aren't you?

- I know.

- Look at that! That's your style?

Look, it's nothing personal.

It's just,

you're a negative influence on me.

Do you know that?

I've done more murders

in the last f***ing three days

than in the entire six months

since I got made redundant.

- Redundant?

- Yes.

You said you'd taken a sabbatical.

It doesn't matter.

You can't help it, you're evil.

Maybe even a witch.

Yeah, you're a witch.

You're a bloody witch.

I don't think anyone

will be able to see him.

FEMALE NEWSREADER ON RADIO: The tragic

death of bride-to-be Chailey Morris

on Tuesday is now considered

not to be an accident.

The police announced today

that they're pursuing

a ginger-faced man and an angry woman

in connection with inquiries.

It's not yet known

how the incident happened.

There she blows.

Journey's end.

(HAWK SCREECHES)

CHRIS:
Is that a hawk?

(WIND HOWLING)

CHRIS:
Wonder where Martin is.

Should be here by now.

Wonder where Poppy is.

I hope he can find us here.

Who, Poppy?

- No, Martin.

- Oh.

Hey.

Hey!

MARTIN:
Whoa-ho-ho!

Picked a spectacular spot, mate!

Yeah, bit off the beaten track, innit?

(CHUCKLES)

- All right, mate?

- Yeah, I'm great, yeah.

All right, love?

Yeah. Good.

Hello, boy.

- Poppy! There you are!

- Hello.

Oh, Poppy. It's Mummy. Eh?

Come on, let's get you in the warm.

- Cheers. Cheers, yeah.

- Cheers.

- Cheers, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Glad you made it, mate.

Yeah, well, it's lovely

to be here, mate.

You know, with a sort of marketing

strategy and a good production schedule,

I think we could

make it work, yeah. Yeah.

Actually, I was thinking

of going to see this guy in Spain.

He's got, um, some amazing ideas

about combi-power inverters.

- I mean, you must know about them.

- Yeah. Oh, right, cool, yeah.

Well, here's to Carapod International.

Eh? Cheers.

- Cheers.

- Tina? Carapod International.

- Brilliant.

- Yeah, yeah.

I'm going for a piss.

Yeah, yeah, fine.

It's, uh...

Sorry, it's a bit squished in here.

Sorry. Um, just... (SNORTS)

Yeah, he's a lovely bloke, isn't he?

Oh, honestly, I'm so happy

I bumped into you guys.

You know, I really need

a business partner, you know,

'cause I come up with the ideas

but I'm not good

at the organisational end of things.

So, you know, and, uh, I really bonded

with little Banjo over here.

Who?

That's his name, isn't it?

It's just that Chris said it was...

Did he?

(STAMMERING NERVOUSLY)

So did I get that wrong?

Do you know what it's like

to be a woman, Martin?

(CHUCKLES) Uh, no. No.

I do.

Fine.

It's not too bad, actually.

Yeah, I imagine, yeah, yeah.

He can be very controlling.

- Really? Right. I...

- Very domineering.

- Well, he's... Yeah.

- But you're not like that, are you?

No, no. Me, I'm a pretty

easy-going guy really, yeah.

Haven't you got lovely eyelashes?

- Have I?

- Mmm.

- Thanks very much. Yeah.

- (WHISPERING) Kiss me.

Martin, did you hear me?

- Kiss me, Martin.

- Um...

Just quickly before he comes back.

- All right, mate?

- All right?

- What?

- Cheers.

- Cheers, yeah.

- Cheers. Here's to you.

What?

Martin just said

some filthy things to me, Chris.

Yeah? Well, do tell. (CHUCKLES)

He said I was a dirty, slutty b*tch.

And he wanted to f*** me.

And he said he wanted to sh*t

in my mouth and in my underwear,

and he said he wanted to sh*t in my hand

and make me use it as a brown lipstick.

(STAMMERING) Mate, I... I...

You know,

if Martin really said these things,

then I've got no objection, in theory.

- In theory?

- Yeah.

What about practice, Chris?

- Right. Um...

- Chris.

Um, I'm gonna go to bed now, all right?

I'm... (EXHALES)

Yeah, it's probably best,

actually, mate. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's been a long day.

Yeah, yeah, so I'll just...

Yeah, I think we're probably

gonna turn in, too. So...

Yeah, can I just...

Yeah, can I just, uh...

Will you let Martin out, please?

Right, cheers then, yeah.

See you in the morning.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Why are you behaving

like that in front of Martin?!

Why can't I have a friend?

You've got that bloody dog, Banjo!

- Poppy!

- It's called Banjo!

- (SQUEALING) Poppy!

- Banjo!

Just stop saying that

in front of the dog.

You're giving him an identity crisis.

How is he gonna have an identity crisis,

Chris, when he's a stupid f***ing dog?

(WHIMPERS)

MARTIN:
Hello? Hello? Hey!

(WHEELS CLATTERING)

Hey! Hey, what are you doing?

(SCREAMING)

(EXHALES)

Well, that solves that problem.

Oh, f***in' God, no.

No!

Martin?

Martin?

Martin!

You are a f***ing liability, you are.

You're a liability.

You're just like your mother.

You can't... Ow, f***ing hell.

(SHRIEKING)

(GRUNTING)

(KISSING)

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

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