Sisters Page #2

careful when you get fake hair

because some countries give

their young girls chicken hormones

and make them grow

it in their basements.

Do they get paid?

Because I would do that.

Hey, honey. I'm sure

you're out having fun

but I'm dying to see that

photo you were gonna send me.

She's having such a great summer,

but I think she's getting homesick.

I'm sure she misses you.

I miss her.

Like, in my body.

Mmm. She'll be back soon.

What's your deal? Been

doing anything fun?

Yeah. Rescue dogs have

so many hidden skills.

I've been teaching Polenta

how to smell diabetes.

You've been divorced for two years.

You should at least be going to

Chili's with your work friends

or some such basic sh*t,instead of spending

the night on Skype dates with Mom and Dad.

I've been having a lot of fun.

I've been teaching

myself how to make cheese.

I'm fine. I'm really good.

I'm real good.

What about you? Do you have

a job or a place to live?

I got an idea that's gonna solve

everything. Haley's gonna flip.

What's your idea?

I think we should move down here and

live with Mom and Dad for a while.

Give a little bit of heart and sou!

Give a little hi! Of love in grow.

Give a little bit of heart and soul...

Holy Moses with his balls out.

Is that Kate Ellis I'm looking at?

Maybe.

Hey, look at you.

Come on, Dave Blackmon! I was

a senior, you were a junior.

I lingered back so we

could be seniors together?

You were my first non-hand

I ever did it with.

Oh, my God. Yes. I

swallowed your earring.

That was a true honor.

Aw, thank you. Thank you.

Wow. Somebody told me you died.

That's crazy. That's the second

person that's said that to me.

Hmm, you should check it out.

You know, I'm a known

alcoholic in this area

but I still talk about those

Ellis Island parties, baby.

Such good times, right?

Yeah. You scaling that

fireplace with them heels?

Oh, man. That was a

beautiful sight, baby.

And who's this fine-ass female?

Hi, Dave. I'm Maura,

Kate's younger sister.

I held your mullet back one time

when you were vomiting at our party

so you wouldn't impale your

face on our cactus garden.

No. Sh*t. Those were

fun times, though, huh?

Yeah. You know, in a way.

You sure bloomed into

a juicy peach, holy...

Thank you, Dave.

So is this your liquor store?

Oh, you know, I got some stock,

I got some handshake options.

Because you heard what happened, right?

My mobile townhouse

got ate by a sinkhole.

No. Eaten by a sinkhole?

Mmm-hmm. That is a Florida heartbreak.

Wow, the Ellis sisters, man. What

a sandwich that would be, huh?

If I could tell my friends

that that went down-Oh, man.

What do you think?

Who? Oh...

Just putting it out there.

Listen,life is about

putting it out there.

And then swatting it away.

Sometimes it stays out

there. Where you put it.

And then sometimes it

goes right into the trash.

So that's, like, a no. I understand.

I think we should go.

Great to see you, Dave.

Just putting it out there.

Yeah, okay.

Nice to see you, man.

I'm glad you're alive.

Thank you.

You look, uh, weathered.

You look like underpass weathered.

Yeah. Thank you, I guess. Yeah.

So listen, is there, like, um, friends

and family discount at this place?

Oh, yeah. Two finger discount.

Oh...

That made my legs feel

weird. Just unbridled filth.

Gross! Hey, you know how it is.

Bye, Dave! Whoo!

The party just got back to O-Town!

Okay! It's cicada season, so

keep your mouth shut. Whoo!

Are you ready for

this jelly, Whorelando?

Yeah!

Hey!

Ellis sisters in the house!

Hey!

Oh, sweaty man. We have to flirt.

Slow it down for a groove-by.

Hey.

What urp? Hey.

Burying your wife?

- Um...

- Can I ask you something?

My sister and I... Hey.

Are busy professionals,

looking for an "yard artisan"

to do some work on our bushes?

You are working. We will

not bother you. Sorry.

Jump on my bush joke.

I just made that up!

Put another Jenga on it.

I bet working on other people's bushes

really makes you wanna whack your weeds.

That was dirtier than I thought.

I'm sorry. That got dirty really fast.

Don't apologize, I like that.

I actually own this house.

You live here with your wife?

Your wife's a b*tch for not helping you.

Uh, I...

I'm single, actually. Oh'

Well, we're not making fun of you.

We're flirting with you,

because you're really sweaty.

I'm a solid guy. I don't mind

being the butt of your jokes.

Good. You will be the butt of our

jokes, because your butt is no joke.

Okay.

I'm not laughing at that butt.

I'll laugh with your butt.

I'm gonna laugh in that butt.

I'm gonna laugh.

I'm gonna... I love to...

My butt's funny, too,

but your butt is really serious.

Your butt is like an hour-long drama.

Your butt's as serious as The Wire.

I mean, I can't wait to

watch your butt on DVD.

I'm gonna binge-watch your

butt when I have the flu.

Time to drive away. Great.

Yeah, um, so...

You ever buy Poppin' Fresh Dough? Yeah.

- Remember the sound it makes?

- Yeah.

- And that's how you do it.

- Oh, my God.

What

the hell

is a sold sign doing on our front yard?

Sold?

No!

They talked about

putting it on the market.

Did you know about

this and not tell me'?

Why don't people tell me things?

They spoke to me about it,

and we were considering it.

They f***ing sold our f***ing

childhood f***ing home.

I can't believe they did

this without consulting me.

This home should have been passed on.

I'll talk them out of it.

It's okay. It's not okay!

Because my great idea just

got f***ed in the a-hole!

Welcome to my life!

Damn it. Sh*t!

F***! Sh*t, f***!

Balls!

What the...

Totally shady.

Where are the curtains

with the fruit on them?

She was gonna give all this stuff away?

I'm sorry, I'm keeping this colander.

Heartless.

Where's the f***ing manatee lamp I made?

I'm sorry.

This was not our doing.

They were gonna give

away the foldy yardstick?

Absolutely hell no.

Where in the hell are

Mom's tiny, ceramic shoes?

This is just so not okay.

So now some a**hole family

gets to play in our sister tree?

F*** no.

Where are our parents?

This nursing home better not smell

urine-y, like a death-cafeteria.

It's not a nursing home,

it's an adult community.

Ifs called Village Du Soleil,

which in French means "in the sun."

Old people aren't supposed

to be in the sun! So stupid.

Yeah, Mom and Dad,

eat a pyramid of d*cks.

Sit on a bunch of pinecones.

If I see Mom in one of

those one-chair beauty shops,

I will full-out BJ a hot curling iron.

Rowdy seniors and booze by a

lake? That's a recipe for disaster.

If they have shower

chairs at this granny farm,

I will slit my throat

and put it on YouTube.

You failed to mention your plan.

Why didn't you tell me

that you sold the house?

Because we knew you'd

try to talk us out of it.

I mean, you were pushy kids.

You're selling your clocks, by the way?

What, are you secretly dying?

No, I'm not dying. I'm

just sick of winding them.

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