Sisters Page #3

Hey, I want Pop-Pop's

grandfather clock.

Where are you going to

keep it? In your purse?

The things in that house

meant something to us.

Each one of those objects is a puzzle

piece in the story of our lives.

We just don't want clutter anymore.

Then what the f*** is this?

Clutter? You don't want clutter?

Clutter has a name.

And it's Pogee, the Christmas Tree Elf.

You take him. We're

gonna get a tabletop tree.

Honestly... We can't

have Christmas here!

It feels good to purge.

And we downloaded all our pictures!

You threw away our baby pictures?

No!

We sold them to the gay

man at the flea market

who turns them into funny cards.

And your father put them on this.

So I just stick this up my vagina

and then I can see the pictures?

Oh, Katherine Anne. Stop. What'?

She's being funny,

because this is so crazy.

What I think we all need

to do is go to lunch.

And then we can discuss if selling

the house is the best plan for us.

"Us" is happy with the decision. Mmm?

You two go whoop it up.

No, don't go whoop it

up. It's all spiffed out.

It needs to stay that way

for the inspection on Monday.

If you have to poo, go to Arby's.

I can't go to the bathroom

at restaurants. You know that.

All right, all right. I understand.

If she's gonna poop at the

house, I wanna poop at the house.

Yeah... All rig ht, you

can both poop at the house.

I like Arby's.

You know, let's just all

agree that this is a bad idea.

Listen to me. We're gonna take

you to dinner tomorrow night.

Not gonna spend one last

night together in the house?

Okay, I think... Maura, cool it.

It's a done deal.

Done.

I got lured down here for this?

I don't clean up after

myself anymore. I'm an adult.

This is gonna be deeply painful.

Oh, boy.

Holy

sh*t.

Gimme!

Ooh, listen to this.

"I got in a wreck

because I was admiring"

"the shoulder hickey that Brett gave me"

"and got t-boned by a parked car."

"Brett came over to comfort me

and I'm so obsessed with him."

"His face smells like Sea Breeze"

"and his hair is so long

that when I make outwith him"

"I pretend it's a scarf."

"P.S. I might be pregnant."

That sh*t is juicy. Read yours.

Okay.

"I changed the grit on

my rock tumbler today."

"The amethyst is really shaping up."

"I'm gonna mount it in

a bolo tie for Dylan."

"He got a new neck brace to

stretch his melting vertebrae."

"He loved his birthday card."

"Especially how I burnt

the edges of the scroll."

"P.S. Crafting heals."

Huh.

"Last night at the party, I danced

so hard my bra was soaking wet."

"Jeff and I were flirting, and then

he said, 'Let me show you something.'"

"So we went to my room, and

guess what he showed me?"

"A ween that is still wearing its hat."

Mmm. Your mm.

Wow. How many times did

you have sex in this house?

You should have had sex here.

Having sex in your childhood

bedroom is a rite of passage.

You chose the party mom role

to protect yourself from fun.

No! I was not afraid of fun.

Here, check this out.

"Happy birthday to me."

"My party was amazing.

I got what I asked for."

"I am now a sponsor

of a child in Ecuador."

"I was the designated driver because

I could tell no one else wanted to be."

"My favorite birthday gift was

knowing everyone got home safe."

"Last night was so fun I

can't even talk about it."

"There are no, period, words, period."

Man, I couldn't even talk about it!

"I took my deaf friend

to the Sheila E. Concert"

"so she could really feel the music."

"She was so grateful."

"I didn't smoke pot because I was afraid

there wasn't enough for everyone..."

Oh, come on.

I miss those goddamn glory days.

Well, clearly' we had

different experiences.

Oh, here's a play-by-play

of a Jerry Lewis telethon.

Here's a chart of all

the penises I ever saw.

Oh, good. Here's a

quote from Helen Keller.

Here's really incorrect information

about how to put a IUD in.

Here's a list of my houseplants.

Put it in my butt. Ew.

I swear I was having fun.

I guess I was just making sure

the house didn't get destroyed.

It's a damn shame that you

never had your night here.

We cannot have a party.

A party?

That's a great idea. No.

You can't avoid putting

yourself out there forever!

You're gonna dry up

like a granny apple doll.

The house is sold.

No, it's not working.

Kate! Don't make that face.

Do not work me like this! I hate

it when you make me the bummer.

My life is super shitty right

now. I need to feel happy again.

Ah...

Fine. Let's just brush

our remaining teeth

and call it a sad, hard

day for two dusty old twats.

Because we're done.

Also? P.S. It would be such an easy way for

you to pop your post-divorce flirt cherry.

I would love to see you let it rip.

You're such a fun as sh*t little sister.

I really am so fun.

I shouldn't keep that to

myself. No, you shouldn't!

I think maybe we should do it.

Can't hear you.

I said maybe we should have a party.

Say what I wanna hear, girl!

Oh, my God. I don't know!

- Okay, let's do it.

- Let's have a party!

Oh, and you can invite

that cute neighbor guy

and you can finally have

sex in your old, crappo bed!

Yeah, but he's younger than me.

Yeah, but he's taller than you,

and that's all that matters.

Oh, my God. I need this

night to reset myself!

We are having a party!

How'd you sleep?

I dreamt I had no job

and no place to live.

Oh, wait.

Got a picture from Haley.

Well, Her friend has a

fancy-ass fireplace in her house.

No, it's one of those

Cosi Sandwich Shops.

Oh. Who the crap is that'?

Are those the new owners?

- Ew. F*** my life.

- Gross!

I want the front yard

to be open-concept.

That old tree has gotta go.

Oh, you just try to take down our

sister tree, you stupid stinkbug!

I can smell that b*tch's

hairspray from here.

No, they can't f***ing roll in

here like Jehovah's Witnesses!

Rude.

What?

Can we help you? Yes.

Our secretary didn't tell us

that we had an appointment.

Oh, I'm Patrick Campbell.

This is Jane and Henry Geernt.

They' re relocating from New

York City and buying this house.

So, are you their interpreter?

If so, please tell them hello for us.

They just want to see what these

blues look like on the sun porch.

What do you mean? Sun porch? Mmm-hmm.

Are you even old enough

to get a mortgage?

Oh, yes. But we're buying it with cash.

You're painting the sun porch? No.

It's a little "country" for us.

Can you let your parents know that if

things like this aren't fixed by Monday,

we're gonna have a real issue

following through with the sale.

Yeah. That won't be okay.

I got a question.

What percentage of your

ward robe is dry clean only?

Seventy-eight?

You guys seem like you

wear a lot of linen.

What kind of hot moron

paints a sun porch?

Why don't you just put a toilet in

the living room and call it a day?

Crazy!

Is that dress from Target?

Um, no... 'Cause I've

seen one like it at Target.

I've never been there before.

You know there was a murder here, right?

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