Sixteen Candles Page #3

He's an exchange student

that's living with them.

Yeah, well, he's totally bizarre.

He is not.

He is a very

sweet boy.

I just hope you burn the sheets

and mattresses after he leaves.

I don't suppose it makes

any difference to you,

but there's

a very weird Chinese guy

up in Mike's room.

Ginny dumped Rudy.

He's her new fiancee.

[ Brenda ]

Mike, stop it.

Sam, honey,

do you think you could help

the grandmothers with supper?

Dad and I have to go to the club

for dinner with the Rice Chex.

Rizczechs.

Oh. Rizczechs.

Uh, do you think

that there's any reason...

that I should

possibly stay home tonight?

Well, it might be nice

if you'd visit...

with your grandparents

and Long Duk Dong.

Who?

[ Gong Clangs ]

The weird Chinese guy

in Mike's room.

Oh.

- I think I have a dance to go to.

- Well, that's okay.

Oh, can you remember

to turn off the stove in 20 minutes?

I can remember lots of things.

[ Laughs ]

[ Sighing ] This is the single

worst day of my entire life.

What the hell

are you bitchin' about?

I gotta sleep

under some Chinaman

named after a duck's dork.

Well, where am I sleeping?

Sofa City, sweetheart.

~~ [ Heavy Metal ]

Do you think Grandpa Fred's

going to embarrass me?

I don't know why not.

He does to everyone else.

He already asked me if Rudy

was the oily variety bohunk.

Is he?

Don't be cute.

I really love Rudy.

And he is totally

enamored of me.

I mean, I've had men

who've loved me before,

but not for six months

in a row.

I think I'm in love.

So how long have you been

in love, hmm?

Well, it hasn't

really happened yet.

So what's the deal?

I'm not sure

that he knows I exist.

Sam, I really don't

have time for this.

[ Sighing ]

Well, I'm sorry.

I always listen to you talk

about your boyfriends.

Darling, is something

bothering you?

You're really acting like...

an a**hole.

And I think

I know what it is.

I think you're jealous

that I'm getting married...

and that I'm getting

all the attention, hmm?

[ Sighing ]

You know, everybody

in this family...

has just gone

totally Outer Limits.

No, Sam.

I think you're just being

a little selfish and immature.

[ Sighing ]

Oh, yes. That's it.

That's exactly it.

[ Laughing ]

Unbelievable.

You make someone a bridesmaid,

and they sh*t all over you.

[ Gong Clangs ]

Very clever dinner.

Appetizing food fit neatly

into interesting round pie.

- It's a quiche.

- Hmm. How do you spell?

Well, you don't spell it, son.

You eat it. [ Guffawing ]

Dong has only been in

our country a short time, Fred.

- I think we could all

help him assimilate.

- [ Chortling ]

[ Dorothy ]

Long Duk Dong is

about your age, Sam.

You two should have

a lot to chat about.

I love, uh, visiting

with Grandma and Grandpa...

and writing letters

to parents...

and pushing

lawn-mowing machine...

so Grandpa's hyena

don't get disturbed.

Hernia!

[ Fred Chortling ]

Oh, yes, yes, yes, indeedy-heeby.

He does the dishes

and helps with the laundry.

You betcha.

May I be excused?

Where are you going?

I have a dance to go to...

at school.

It's a very important dance.

Uh, we're being graded on it...

for gym.

Wait a minute.

I have a wonderful idea.

Would you like to go

to the dance with Sam?

[ Gong Clangs ]

~~ [ Dance ]

[ Indistinct Arguing ]

[ Band ] 'Filene'

- [ Whooping ]

- 'Filene'

I wonder if Jake's here.

I don't think it's healthy

to get jacked about some guy

that isn't a thing yet.

Yeah, when you don't have

anything, you don't have

anything to lose, right?

That's a cheerful thought.

Let's go make

ourselves available.

"[ "Peter Gunn" ]

[ Kids Chattering ]

That's the one, dude.

Scope it out.

She doesn't look

like a freshman.

Sophomore, dude. Sophomore.

Fully aged sophomore meat.

[ Sonar Pinging ]

We do the bus

together.

You talk to her?

Talk? Dude, I have

a relationship with her.

Get out.

Figure to, like,

1 7 digits.

You are such a liar.

We'll see about that,

my man.

By night's end, I predict

me and her will interface.

"[ Slow, Romantic ]

'Ahh '

'Ahh '

'I know this '

'Much is true '

'Ahh '

'I know this..."

Check it out,

Wease.

Pretty intense, huh?

Over.

To the max. Over.

- [ Gasping ]

- All right.

"[ New Wave Rock ]

I knew you'd come around.

Whoa.

Christ.

Crank that, sister!

~ Whoa ~

Very hot. Very hot.

This night... This night

is happenin'.

~ Whoa, whoa, whoa ~~

I'm blowing your mind,

aren't I?

I'm just getting warmed up.

[ Growls ]

[ Ted Farts ]

[ Boys Laughing ]

Ow. Excuse me.

"[ Continues In Distance ]

[ Cheering ]

Way to go, dick-face.

She took off.

Don't spaz out. Okay, Wease?

The situation'll come on-line.

Yeah? I'll bet you

a dozen floppy disks

you don't even get tit.

You got a bet, scumbag.

I'll get it all.

Take off.

You wouldn't be able

to prove it anyway.

"A," don't hit me.

Secondly, what kind

of proof do you want?

[ Both ] Video.

No way. I can just see

the thing getting duped

a thousand times...

and winding up on cable

somewhere.

Try again.

[ Both ] Underpants.

No problem,

butt-lick.

[ Man ] 'Wild sex'

'In the working class'

'Wild sex, wild sex'

[ Together ]

Girls' underpants.

' One, two '

'And your girlfriend

swears that she's 1 7 '

[ Groans ]

'She's got her layered hair

and her flared jeans '

' You know what that means

She's just a little queen '

'She shares your London flat '

'She thinks that London's

where it's at '

'Although it stinks and when it rains

you wear your hat '

'And your plum-colored PVC

wet-look maxi mac '

' You tie your ginger hair

back in a bun '

[ Dong Blowing Nose ]

' You're the ugliest creature

under the sun '

"[ Continues ]

So what's your name?

Dong.

What's your first name?

Long.

What's your middle name?

Duk.

I bet all the boys chase you

plenty in the school, huh?

Nobody's caught me yet.

Hmm. I betcha you big teaser, huh?

[ Laughing ]

No. I run the 40

in five flat.

Flat?

Hey.

Oh, I'm really sorry, man.

Whatever I did was an accid...

l-l-I didn't mean to...

Relax.

You... You were dancin'

with a girl?

Oh, man, I'm really...

I'm really sorry, man.

I must've been on drugs

five minutes ago.

Do you know her?

She grabbed me, guy.

I'm totally innocent.

Is she yours?

"[ Ends ]

What do you know

about her?

[ New Song Begins ]

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