Skvernyy anekdot (A Bad Joke) Page #2

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Whether you like it or not,

you have to receive the guest.

Porfiri Petrovich, introduce me

to your young wife,

to your bride-to-be, as it were.

Come on, brother.

Very, very pleased to meet you.

Especially on such an occasion.

The bride has wanted

to get married for a long time.

She has never had any girlfriends,

as well as brains.

Although she once attended

some German school,

she didn't learn almost

anything except the basics.

She especially enjoyed pinching.

Pseldonimov!

She is very pretty.

Quite a couple!

Although,

she could at least get embarrassed.

Then I would be able to tell a joke.

Instead, I have come up

against a brick wall.

Gentlemen!

Have I, by accident, interrupted

your entertainment?

We will start in a moment. And for now...

we're just having a rest.

Don't be hard on us, Your Excellency.

As you haven't shuned us

and did us the honour of

attending our son's wedding,

then, please, be so kind as

to congratulate the newlyweds.

Don't shun us, do us the honour.

So you are...

your son's parent?

She is indeed,

Your Excellency.

I wish you, madam,

and you, my friend Porfiri,

I wish you absolute

and long happiness.

Our old women are simply fabulous.

She has enlivened everybody.

I have always loved

the people.

Porfiri...

Un homme trs mal lev.

Oui, oui.

Porfiri, tell me please -

I have wanted to ask you about it

in person for a long time -

why

your surname is

Pseldonimov

and not Pseudonimov.

It must be Pseudonimov.

It's must be that his father

made a mistake in papers

when taking service.

And so he remained Pseldonimov.

It happens.

Exaclty. Exactly.

Because, judge for yourselves,

Pseudonimov comes from the literary word

"pseudonym".

While...

While

Pseldonimov

doesn't make any sense.

Sheer foolishness.

Sheer foolishness what?

The Russian people

sometimes out of sheer foolishness

change letters

and pronounce

in their own way.

For example, they say "nivalid"

instead of "invalid".

Right, nivalid.

They also say

"niss",

"niss" instead of "miss".

Stop badgering him.

What? I'm only talking.

Or, maybe, I can't even talk?

His Excellency has got loaded.

The general is out of sorts.

What do you mean out of sorts?

I mean exactly that,

in a drunken state of mind.

Our general is drunk.

Who is it?

I don't know.

The general is drunk.

...They float in the air just like this.

And all that was discovered

by captain Cook,

the seafarer.

Music!

Gentlemen, please! I have

news, gentlemen.

One moment. One moment, gentlemen.

Can I have your attention, please?

One moment, please. I have news.

You Porfiri,

don't have to be shy.

If you have some issues

concerning orders and so on,

then please...

So, Your Excellency?

I don't really know...

I don't really know whether...

After all,

I have got here by accident.

Allow me to introduce myself...

And, of course...

some might consider it

inappropriate, as it were, for me

to be present at such

a gathering.

But

I hope, you understand why I am here.

I have not come here

to drink wine, after all.

I am here to encourage, as it were,

to show, as it were, the moral,

as it were, purpose.

Your Excellency, I...

Porfiri!

Bravo!

Porfiri!

Lend me 2 roubles, please.

Mesdames!

Messieurs!

Lend me 2 roubles, please.

Oui.

Not a single centime.

You don't have a life line.

Do I exist?

Very strange indeed.

Listen, are you my friend or not?

Am I your friend?

Haven't I proved it by being here?

In that case, lend me 2 roubles.

What for?

I absolutely have to buy

champagne for my general.

So will you give it to me or not?

I won't give it to you

because I don't have it.

But even if I did,

I still wouldn't give it to you.

Because your general is a retrograde.

Louise!

Louise!

Attention! I have news!

News, gentlemen!

I have no money.

Not enough.

Thief! B*tch!

Maman! Maman!

For Christ's sake, maman,

I need two more roubles!

What?

Two roubles...

It's an honour...

To buy champagne.

Champagne then?

Champagne is good.

It turns out, you have good taste.

You just can't live without champagne.

I'm not asking it for myself.

It's for the general.

Parasites!

Damn spongers!

Your friend Pseldonimov is raging,

he demands money.

Where would I get any?

What money, for God's sake?

Hush!

You, womenfolk!

Too much talk.

Step aside.

Dad.

Porfiri.

Two steps forward.

So then, Porfiri,

you receive generals.

That's what it is about.

It appears,

you are trying

to put yourself

above me.

You say you're better than that,

you don't want to know us anymore

since you've befriended a general.

Mlekopetayev is not good enough for you.

Dad...

Shut up!

I am your general! Not him!

I am! You hear? I am!

Dad!

I will pray for you day and night.

I need two roubles, please.

Dance for me.

No, not good enough.

We need music.

Sing for him. Go ahead!

Dad...

Dad.

They are dancing, let them dance.

But don't even think about feeling

too sorry for him, gentlemen.

Of course, he is suffering,

but at the same time, he feels some

base shameful delight

and, horribile dictu,

enjoyment.

Yes, gentlemen, enjoyment.

And I stand by that.

The need for this secret

and disgraceful enjoyment of slavery

is a trait of each Pseldonimov alone

and all Pseldonimovs of all times.

The Tree of Good has the good fruit.

The Tree of Evil has

the evil fruit.

The tree shall be known by its fruit.

How can viperous brood

tell the word of good?

Bravo!

Let's take a syllogism.

Morality...

Madam!

Akim Petrovich.

I'm here.

Porfiri!

Your Excellency,

do us the honour, come to the table.

I'm don't really know...

I was going to leave.

Do us the honour.

Gentlemen!

Gentlemen!

Do come to the table.

Enough.

Your Excellency, do us the honour,

do not shun us, poor people.

Do come to the table, Your Excellency.

I have become older not by the quantity

of the years gone by, but by their quality.

You told me to shave off my whiskers

because they lack patriotism, and I did it.

Gentlemen, allow me to propose a toast.

Gentlemen!

Now a kiss!

Excuse me, but I am, as it were,

a fanatic of love of fellow men.

I'm writing a will.

What and to whom do you bequeath?

Due to the impossibility of

being Russian, I've become...

They wanted to take him to court,

but then noticed he was insane...

I think that tomorrow I might

suffer a stroke of falling sickness.

I like philosophizing.

I love speaking and I'm good at it,

but I warn...

No, that's no good.

And not appropriate as well.

I should have left.

And not just left, I should have fled.

No, I won't leave.

I have to discover the moral purpose.

I will talk about issues,

reforms

and about the greatness of Russia.

I'm writing a will.

I've discovered it.

The moral purpose.

I will engage them.

Maybe, nothing is lost yet.

But what should I say to engage them?

What method can I devise?

I'm simply at a loss.

What do they want?

What are they demanding?

And what do I want? Why am I here?

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