Slacker Page #3

Sitting there right in the middle. It's really bizarre.

Why don't you come look? It's really weird.

So where you getting all these statistics from anyway?

Dallas Morning News, man. You ought to read it for a change.

See, he's gone. All his stuff's gone.

- Strange. - He's a strange guy.

- What do we have here? - Those are the cards he left.

There's writing on the back of them.

They're numbered. It's like a little story or something.

"Juan Apagato spends a lot of time wandering around town.

"He tried college for a while, but it consumed too much time.

"So now he's looking for a job that doesn't involve much work.

"He rents a room in a large house and rarely sees the people he lives

with.

"One is called Frank something, and he thinks there are some more...

but he can't be sure. "

I guess that means all of us.

"He comes from a light blue-collar family.

"He doesn't see his parents much anymore.

"He quit going to visit when they quit sending him money.

One of his grandparents died last month, but he can't remember which. "

It's Uncle Fester.

"Last summer he thought about sticking his index finger in a fan.

"Someone told him his fingerprints are unique, and he believes...

"there's too much direct evidence against uniqueness.

"He thinks that differences are minor compared to the

similarities.

"All his days are about the same.

"He wakes up at 11:00 or 12:00...

"eats cereal or toast, reads the newspaper...

"looks out the front door, takes a walk...

"goes to a movie matinee, listens to the radio...

"watches sitcom reruns till 1:00...

"and usually falls asleep about 2:00.

He likes to sleep. Sometimes he has good dreams. "

It's the finale.

"Watch for the next episode:

"Juan joins up with an emerging European terrorist organization...

and soon returns to the U.S. With a supply of homemade nuclear weapons. "

Huh. That's interesting.

Just a second.

- Hi. - Hey, guy. - Hi.

What's going on?

- Paul moved out, man. - Oh, yeah?

Yeah, took all his stuff, just left these cards here.

- Can I have his room? - Sure, why not?

Cool.

Hey, where you headed?

Oh, I got some band practice in about five hours...

so I figured I'd mosey on out.

- Okay. - See you.

Stephanie?

- Oh, hi. - Hi. Wow.

I haven't seen you around in a long time.

Yeah, I just got back about a week ago.

- Yeah? From where? - Dallas.

Dallas? Man.

What were you doing up there?

Hanging out, resting.

I was in the hospital for a while.

- Wow. - It was really awful.

- Yeah? - Yeah. It was awful.

Your parents, probably?

- Yeah, you could say they put me there. - Yeah.

So what are you up to?

Same old, same old. Just...

lollygagging around.

Still unemployed.

Uh, I'm in this band.

Well, the one I was in before, but now we've changed our name.

Ta-da

We're The Ultimate Losers now.

And, uh, the singer is still a jerk.

And, uh, well.

We're playing this Friday. If you wanna come, I can put you on the list.

I'm sleeping a lot, you know.

- Yo, hey, dude. - Hey.

Man, I am freaking out so severely. Did you hear what happened on the

freeway?

You didn't see the local news today?

Oh, it's beautiful.

Man, this old man driving to town from San Antonio...

like this old man about 40 or 50 years old...

goin' about a hundred miles an hour down the freeway...

waving a gun at people, laughing.

Like, doin' f***in' chicken squawks at people out the window...

and showing them his gun and going like -

Things like that.

People were freaked. They didn't know if he was just a lunatic, you know...

with, like a squirt gun or what.

And then, check it out, the guy started firing on the freeway...

randomly through his windows.

He shot one bullet up at the roof of his car...

and it just ricocheted around inside with him for a while.

He was, like, out of his mind. Everybody tried to get off the freeway.

Some chick who had a bullet lodged in her ponytail...

called the pigs in San Marcos.

And they had six or seven pig cars chasing him into the south side of town.

He was still swingin' the gun around, man, and laughing.

He f***in' laughed all the way.

Finally his car spun out and slammed into the grassy knoll...

you know, the median.

As soon as his car came to a halt, man...

he just put the gun to his head and blammo.

Offed himself, man. Blew himself away right there.

It's like, I don't know...

he had had enough, enough.

- It's like - - Do you know Stephanie?

Oh, yeah. I thought I heard that you were in "Timberlawn. "

- I got back about a week ago. - All right, cool.

Oh, yeah. I know what I gotta show you guys.

This -This will blow your gourd.

I have this friend, all right, she's a gynecologist in Hollywood.

And she scored this for me from the lab where she works.

It's a Madonna pap smear.

I know it's kind of cloudy, but it's a Madonna pap smear.

It's got "Ciccone" on the top. That's like a medical label. "Ciccone. "

Check it out. I know it's kind of disgusting...

but it's like, it's sort of...

like getting down to the real Madonna.

I don't know if you can see it now. I freaked out when it came in the mail.

It had two pubic hairs in it, and I showed it to this a**hole...

and he stole one of them.

But if you look real close, you can see it's still in there.

It's about as black as they come.

Do you think maybe, uh...

you'd be interested in buying something like this?

It's like a high-dollar item.

It's, you know, one of a kind. It's like chance of a lifetime.

Yeah, I'm sure.

I'm pretty broke, though.

What about you? Do you think you know anyone who might be -

I mean, it's a little bit getting closer to the rock god herself...

than just a poster.

No? All right. You guys' loss.

I thought I could, you know, maybe swing a bargain.

- Sorry. - All right. Can't blame me. I tried.

It's a material world and I'm a material girl.

I better cruise. I gotta check this guy Chico on the east side.

He's real interested in this.

- All right. - Hey, how's your band going anyway?

What is it? Beautiful Loser?

- Yeah, it's The Ultimate... - All right. Check you later.

Losers.

So, yeah, Friday night. Guest list?

Oh, yeah. That might be all right.

Okay.

- Well. - I'll see you Friday.

All right, yeah.

Everybody's running around here wondering when the bombs are gonna fall,

and the fact of the matter is that the bombs have already fallen.

People are running around here dwelling in the 11 th-hour concept...

and it's well afternoon.

I mean, our thought processes have been totally subverted...

by the concepts these people lay before us.

By the church, the schools and the media right now.

I mean, it's almost impossible to find someone out here...

that can think outside of their own caste system right now.

I mean, look at this man across the street in a tie.

This is a ruling-class man...

and he's actually suffering from oxygen deprivation. He's

brain-dead.

Can I sell you a shirt? You know?

And it's like, look at this magazine. Buy this magazine.

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