Slash Page #6

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or celebrity slash.

Slash about, you know, celebs.

Oh, oh, like the Bronte sisters.

They wrote stories

about Napoleon

and the Duke of Wellington.

Yeah, I mean,

it's pretty old school,

but now it's mostly just like

pointless boy band orgies.

Yeah, and juvenile regressives

are popping up all over.

Speaking of... How long

have you slashed vanguard?

Oh, vanguard is juvenile,

but trek and Tolkien, that's...

It's all about audience

and intent, Denis.

This is first year stuff.

Vanguard doesn't play to

the 40-plus crowd, our base.

Besides, it's not our mission

to indoctrinate children.

It's not our mission

to indoctrinate anyone.

I read Tolkien when I was eight.

Yes, and Denis loves

his vanguard.

Ronnie prefers

her masturbation material

to stem from bad

'60s television.

You ever see

"the Brady bunch," dude?

Really, Freddie?

He's a child.

Mainstream success has no bearing

on our field. Never has.

What we do know

is juvenile fiction

begets juvenile erotica.

Let me be frank. You write

sex like a 12-year-old

and I think you know it. It's like you

found all these provocative words

and just tossed them

into a text editor.

Have you ever even had sex?

I doubt half our writers

have had sex.

- Let me see your ID.

- Ronnie.

Well, I don't know

about you, Denis,

but I don't want to go to jail.

Nobody's going to jail.

Jesus!

Neil, come on.

It's fine. Sit down.

Yeah, it's fine

if he ponies up an ID.

I remember now.

You wrote all that really gross

Mike and Greg Brady fic.

What's your point?

I thought you liked sex

with 12-year-olds.

If it's written maturely.

Nice.

Are you really 18?

Neil, Neil, come on, stop.

Stop, stop, stop.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Look, Ronnie, I mean, you know,

she's like that with everybody.

It's not you.

Oh, um.

Let's go someplace else.

Wait, wait, wait,

wait. Wait.

It just...

This doesn't feel right.

Why?

Look, I'm not gonna be mad,

I'm not be upset or anything.

I need you to tell me

how old you are.

- I already told you.

- I know, I know.

Tell me again.

- 15.

- 15? Oh, f***!

I'll be 16 in November.

- Please don't reject me.

- Dude, this is wrong.

I know it is.

This is just

the second time today.

- I could go to jail.

- I won't tell anyone.

Did you just tell me you were 18 so

you could get into the live reading?

- No! -What do you

even want from me?

I just thought

it'd be different.

Here with you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You actually remind me

a lot of myself.

- You turned out okay.

- Did I?

I shot off a series

of insane messages

to somebody I didn't know

the first thing about.

I said things I would never

say to somebody face to face.

Ever.

You know, outside of like cons,

I have practically

zero social skills.

My mother always said it's

going to get me in trouble,

and now here I am. And yes,

incidentally, I live with my mother,

in the house where I

grew up, in Saginaw.

So, you know, don't be

too sure about things.

You live with your mom?

Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop.

You said this was

the second time.

It it someone in our group?

Was it that girl

you came here with?

Yeah, well. I thought

you might be straight.

- I might not be. -Well, this

isn't the way to find out.

You have time. You're writing.

Focus on that.

How can I focus on something

I'm not even old enough to do?

Well, what do you want to do?

You want to be a writer?

A real writer, not fan fic?

You're good.

Keep writing and let

the rest of the stuff

sort itself out naturally.

I wish somebody had told me

that when I was your age.

Well, you better go.

It's about time.

I don't know what the right

thing to do here is.

I wanna make sure you're okay.

Well, I know you have to go.

I am the moderator.

I mean, you don't have

to worry, I'm not coming.

I can't, not now.

Not right now.

I wish it wasn't this way.

You know, for what it's worth,

I think you want to be queer.

Why would anyone want that?

To fit in,

even some place small.

I'll see you around.

You came back?

The live read's about to start.

You should be there.

I came back for you.

You don't get it.

You submitted once

and they're like,

"hey, come read it

on stage."

I have like 500 things

posted up there.

I know.

I've read every one of them.

It's hard caring about someone.

Letting them care about you.

It doesn't have to be hard.

I love you.

I kissed him.

That Denis guy?

I'm not going to the live read.

- You have to.

- I can't.

Neil, please, for both of us.

F*** those crusty old a**holes.

I followed you

into the restaurant

when you weren't

answering my calls.

I'm sorry that lady

is such an a**hole.

Look, they only win

if you let them.

You are a featured

f***ing story, dude.

You made it!

We're doing this.

You and me together.

I am your goddamn coach.

Okay?

As they entered the nexiverse,

Gandalf, his penis

now longer than his staff,

tuned... turned

to Dumbledore,

"Dumbledore,"

he said to Dumbledore,

"only the energy

of our mutual orgasm,

combined with unbroken

eye contact

can close the door

to the nexiverse,

thus stopping the combined

armies of Sauron and Voldemort.

Without a moment's thought,

Dumbledore selflessly

gave of his own manhood,

placing the head

of his pounding penis

against that of the wise old

wizard from alt middle earth,

like in Ghostbusters.

- End of chapter seven.

Okay, that was gan-dum 69

with "hole pluggers

of the nexiverse."

And who doesn't like some good

old-fashioned wizard-on-wizard action?

One more time for her,

gan-dum 69.

Um...

So-uh, I think everybody

knows my feelings

about what we do

and the purpose it serves.

Often we're treated like freaks.

Especially those of us

who are a little bit older.

- And uh, still doing this.

Um... and when we're away

from this little community

that we've created

for ourselves,

you know, we're outsiders,

and we're weirdoes,

and we're sexual deviants,

but not here.

Our next reader is a young man

that I have been following

with much interest.

And not just because

he writes vanguard.

Please welcome to the stage,

Van fan 42.

Um, this is called...

"Shore leave

on dreenan four."

"The balmy tropic

weather patterns

of dreenan four gave cause

for the indigenous proxans

to wear very little

in the way of attire.

This year with the elliptical

orbit pulling them closer

than ever to dreenan prime,

clothing was more

a hardship than an option.

Vanguard found himself unarmored

on the beaches of the Zaraug

during what seemed to be

a religious mating ritual.

'Do you happen to know

where they keep the towels?'

a lean, naked proxon inquired.

His supple manhood stood proud

against the harsh light

of dreenan prime.

The proxon boy repeated himself,

'well, do you?'

vanguard's hand now pumped

his stone cock."

He's 15.

You're outsiders.

You were supposed to support

other outsiders.

I mean, you guys write

ninja turtle bondage porn

and you're judging?

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