Slash Page #5

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sh*t about it.

- Fine, I'll leave it. -No,

don't do it for me, dude.

I'm just trying to bust you out

of your self-induced

social media prison.

You've really opened my eyes.

Throw off the shackles!

Throw 'em off!

Wizards man.

Wand-on-wand action.

That's what the readers want.

It's casting a spell on my wand,

- I'll tell you that.

- Yeah.

But that Harry-Draco genre,

that's getting old.

Now what I'm into is that

Snape-Dumbledore fic.

Wow, that is literally old.

I didn't realize you

were into octogenarians?

Yeah, well, uh, vanguard

is no spring chicken.

Easy.

Well, usually.

Hey.

Oh, did you read

that story I sent you,

"panty raid at Slytherin"?

Oh, yeah, dude.

I called my mom.

I read it out loud.

Finally.

Come on.

We got business to conduct.

I think I'd rather

go look at comics.

Neil, this is toho.

What are you drinking?

I dunno. Toho?

Uh, hmmm... is blue.

It's blue.

Works for me.

That is a sick vanguard costume

you've got there, bro.

Is that from

"Kragon's war?"

Anyways, so...

My name is Hagoff Paul

and this is a little greeting.

Is that?

Is that LSD?

For the party tonight, playboy.

It's Molly. Mdma?

- No, no.

- It looks like acid.

It's ecstasy.

Have you ever done that before?

No, but I want to.

That stuff stays

in your system forever.

Have you ever heard

of an acid flashback?

Look, I don't want

to wake up in a year

and stab my parents to death

with a kitchen knife, okay?

Well, that makes one of us.

What if it ruins

the whole weekend?

What if we miss the live reading

because we're in the hospital

getting our stomach's pumped?

We are going to a party

with all sorts of lights

and costumes, okay?

- Do you normally go to

parties, Neil? -No.

- Do you like to mingle?

- No.

- Open your mouth, playboy.

- No... Julia.

There we go.

Oh, whatever you do,

don't swallow.

What will happen

if I swallow it?

I'm hallucinating!

It's not acid!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold her there.

Off, off, off, off.

- I'm sick.

- Okay.

I'm so stoned.

Stoned on acid.

I mean, Molly...

This must be like

every day for Madonna.

Here.

Drink some water.

Oh, okay.

Oh.

You're safe now. You're

in a totally safe place.

What?

I don't know if I've uh...

Ever been attracted

to anyone before you.

You mean any girl.

Any human being.

What are you

attracted to about me?

I'm not ashamed

of myself with you.

Should I have done that?

I don't know if I should

have done that.

Pants.

- Are you doing your homework?

- No.

"Julia tugged at his pants,

sliding them down

ever so slowly."

Okay, if you're gonna

write about us,

you need to use some modifiers.

"Julia tugged

at his tight pants,

sliding them off painfully slow.

Savoring the moment

the heightened

pleasure involved."

I'm glad you decided

to branch out.

You're a tough one

to figure out.

No, I'm not.

Hi, you've reached

Julia's voicemail.

I probably don't want

to talk to you.

Hi, you've reached

Julia's voicemail.

I probably...

The alliteration is good,

but you use it way too much.

Yeah, it's sort of my crutch.

And the allegory is a bit

on-the-nose.

Oh, I actually thought it was more

of a metaphor than an allegory.

Uh, do you know

what an allegory is?

Look, you're okay.

Uh, and you're female.

We need more women in our field.

Most of them are pretty ugly.

Unlike you.

You can have a career. Writing

is more than just writing.

There are other factors.

Dude, I want

to show you something.

It's a...

It's a Tijuana Bible.

It's quite the important

artifact.

Mexicans are far more

sexually liberated.

What's with the look?

You just left this morning.

Yeah, I was getting a critique.

I mean, that's why we're here.

To meet the pros.

I'm sorry.

Hey.

I have to go meet someone.

Who?

Denis?

Sorry, I looked

through your phone.

I didn't think

that you would care.

Hey... don't!

Don't do that.

- What's your deal?

- Nothing.

Don't get all weird on me

just because we messed around.

Why did you rip up our pages?

I don't know.

We were zonked.

We wrote some crazy sh*t, okay?

I didn't want it

just floating around.

So last night

was just the drugs?

You have been hiding

this Denis guy from me.

I didn't even think

that you were straight.

Can you hear me now?

How about now?

I'll check my bars.

That's better.

Oh, I'm sorry.

This is age restricted.

Hi.

Oh, my god, Neil.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I uh... I didn't expect you

to look uh, so young.

- Uh, do you wanna see my ID?

- No, no, no, no.

No, I'm sorry, believe me,

I looked young

when I was your age, too.

Uh, when I was 18.

- You still look young.

- Oh, well, thank you.

Oh, my god, it's just so great

to uh, finally meet you,

in the flesh, so to speak, um...

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Oh, yes, of course.

Shall we? -Yeah.

You're staring.

Virgins stare.

- They do? -Yeah,

well, con virgins.

Yeah, it's just so weird now

that it's all in 3-d.

Yeah, I know.

Internet rule 34.

If it exists there's porn of it.

Just when you think

you've seen it all.

I just discovered what

a curtain fic is.

- Curtain fic?

- Mm-hmm.

I mean, okay, so,

this is aimed at older gays.

Of course they're

like post-sex,

proto-nesting,

domestic fetishists.

And so normally where you'd

have like kirk and Spock,

you know, making love,

uh, in this case, it's couples having

these like lavish shopping sprees

at pottery barn.

For curtains.

They sell curtains

at pottery barn?

They sell everything

at pottery barn.

I mean, you know, it's mostly

harmless I guess,

but not all of it is...

And you really need

to watch out for creeps,

especially at your age.

- But you're not a creep.

- No, I'm not a creep,

but isn't that exactly

what a creep would say?

Oh, I thought you came alone.

Oh, Jesus, speaking of creepy.

I came with a friend.

Oh, and does he write slash?

She.

And yeah.

You know, actually, I think

she's in regular writing today.

Oh, regular writing.

- Denis. -Oh, Ronnie,

hey, um, this is Neil.

- He's one of our new writers.

- Oh, yeah, I bet.

Ronnie Harwood. I'm senior

writer at the rabbit's hole.

So some of the inner circle

are gonna go out

for an early dinner

before the reading.

- Are you game?

- Yeah.

You can bring your

new little friend.

Everybody agrees

that Batman blowing Robin

and Robin blowing Batman

is totally played out,

but now I'm seeing

Christian bale's Batman

blowing Ben Affleck as Batman.

Blowing Val Kilmer.

Oh, that's really hot.

I got a cease and desist

from Warner's last week,

so obviously I'm doing

something right.

Yeah, you're moving up

in the world.

What kind of slash do you write?

You've been to our website,

it's easy enough to find.

Right.

I'm guessing this

is your first con,

since you're what, he's 18?

- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, 18.

Hmm.

I was editing

the R.P.F. Board today.

I'll never get

all the Bieber fic.

Neil, are you

into Justin Bieber?

What's R.P.F.?

R.P.F. Is real people fiction

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