Slash Page #4

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of venereal disease

as a female guilt trigger.

It's no big deal. I did a paper

on monotremes, remember?

Are monotremes a form of VD?

Don't be embarrassed, Neil.

It's natural.

Yeah, Neil, don't be embarrassed.

It's natural.

- Do you ever read any online...

- dad!

- I actually write online

- poetry.

Online poetry.

Lady poetry.

- About strong women.

- Lady poetry?

You really need to bring

friend around more often.

Did Neil tell you guys

about the convention?

- The comic con?

- It's also for writers.

Neil, you didn't mention that.

It's for regular writers!

- Is that true?

- Define regular.

I think she means

non-erotic.

Are you guys crazy?

What makes you think

I would go to an erotic

writing convention?

I don't know! Why would you

have it on your computer?

I mean, do they have that...

What was the name?

- Uh... Vang...

- Vanguard erotica.

- Please stop saying "erotica" at the

dinner table. -No, please don't.

I just need to know if you're

going to a place for adults.

Yeah, mom has a strict

no sex dungeon policy.

I'm not. We're not!

You don't have to lie

to me, you know.

Your mom is not

as square as you think.

I even went to a key party once.

When did you go to a key party?

I'm not lying.

Good.

Good.

So speaking of writing,

how much do you guys know

about the Bronte sisters?

I'm sorry about that.

You know what, no, Neil, you have

to get past this repression.

Yeah, well, why don't I come by

and give a lecture

on the sexual fantasies

of Emily Bronte to your mom.

Your parents are cool.

You're lucky.

Our situations are so different.

- You told me that your dad

killed himself. -He did.

"Oh, hey, Neil's parents,

why don't you let me

give you some insight because

my parents are divorced."

- You don't get it.

- Yeah, I don't.

What?

Well, I'm picking you up

tomorrow at 9 am,

so be ready.

- Some dinner, huh?

- Sorry.

Hey, I like her.

She's a character.

Well, lemme guess.

I can't go now?

Dad. I'm good.

Take it.

Take it.

Do you remember

when I used to take you

to those autograph conventions?

Yeah.

Remember when you stood

in line for two hours

to try to get

butch Patrick to sign

your munsters lunch box?

And then he wouldn't.

Butch Patrick was a dick.

All right, as far

as your mom knows,

you're staying at your

cousin's, all right?

And I'm counting on you

to do the right thing.

At least not to do,

not to do the wrong thing.

She's more mature than you.

Huh? In some ways?

I mean, maybe mature

is not the right word.

Dad.

You really like

this girl, don't you?

I liked the same type.

When I was your age I did.

But be careful, huh?

These arty girls...

I don't wanna see you

get hurt, okay?

All right, good talk, right?

All right, I'll see you later.

Hola!

Neil, your friends

are multiplying.

Is that a pregnant joke?

This sh*t is getting super old.

We're not letting her

do this again.

You can say whatever you want about

me, but I'm not a f***ing flake.

- What happened?

- Mike happened.

F***ing douchebag.

It's a good thing

I went by there.

- She's not gonna go?

- Oh, she's going.

I mean, look at you.

Look at what you do to

yourself for her, dumb ass.

That's fine.

I feel kind of

responsible for you.

I mean, you're just like her

when we first met.

I liked her 'cause she was

all smart and funny,

and she tried so hard

to be my friend.

And she would, like, offer

to do my homework and sh*t.

And I would just make fun

of her costumes and stuff.

You know she used to dress

like an elf, right?

I don't know.

I didn't think I tried

to change her.

I mean I took her out

with Mike, and that was it.

I guess he was like

the first normal guy

to ever take interest in her.

He's normal?

Don't change for her, dude.

Don't let her be your Mike.

- Please be quiet, okay? My

mom's sleeping. -She here?

- Yes.

- Then what the f***, dude,

- what is she doing here?

- I don't...

She told Neil she would

take him to comic con.

Holy sh*t.

That's amazing.

Dude.

Oh, ho, dude, please get out.

I need a better look at this.

This coming from a guy

in his pajamas.

I'm listen... I'm not

busting your balls.

I promise you.

Just come on.

- I need a f***ing picture.

- -You're such a dick.

I'm not the one making

a scene, okay, Martine?

You're the one making

a scene right now.

Come on, get up. Give me a little,

give me a little twirly twirl.

Oh, man, I'm not nearly stoned

enough for this right now.

Oh! What the f***!

Jesus!

- I only wanted a picture, freak.

- You are the freak.

You and your stupid

f***ing mustache.

Ow.

Yo, bro.

You ever see those um...

You ever see those pictures

I took of her wearing

that elf sh*t?

Well, sometimes all she wore

were those little ears.

Yeah, those were

my special pics.

Neil!

Get the f*** off!

Oh, Galadriel.

Babe, I knew you were a nerd.

I didn't know you were

a f***ing retard.

Whoa! Oh, sh*t! Oh!

This is funny.

You're f***ing crazy.

You can't be all stoic

in that costume.

It looks ridiculous.

Don't worry about me.

I am worried about driving

for three hours

with a guilt-bot programmed

to guilt me to death.

How can you hang out

with that guy?

He's like everything

you pretend to hate.

What do you mean "pretend?"

Nothing.

Just forget it.

You are acting like a really

jealous boyfriend right now.

Well, I'm not your boyfriend.

Yeah, you're not.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Okay, I know...

I know that Mike

brings out the worst in me.

You have to admit,

it was, like, really cool

when you knocked him down.

F***er.

I have to tell you something.

About the live read.

I know already.

I saw.

It was posted on the forum.

Congrats.

I told you it was good.

- Did they write you?

- Mm-hmm, yeah.

They said something about

the number of slots.

Politics again.

Politics.

I'm really glad that you

transcended all of that.

Yeah.

Welcome to comic con.

What name is

your reservation under?

How do you know we're here

for comic con?

Emily Bronte.

All right, miss Bronte,

I have you down

for a single king?

Oh, can we get two beds?

Unfortunately,

we're at capacity.

That's okay.

We'll sleep together.

Swanky.

It's big.

Come here.

Try this out!

I don't wanna mess up

my costume.

Did you talk to them yet?

No, do I need to?

You're reading tomorrow.

If it were me, I would be

checking up on like

the order of the lineup

and how much time I have,

and how I'm gonna

be taped and sh*t.

Taped?

Why would they tape it?

I don't want to be on tape.

That's normal, okay?

You need to relax.

You're so f***ing nuts.

Jesus.

What's with you? You

look like how I look

when I'm trying

to avoid someone.

Okay, so we have the opening

night party tonight.

And then tomorrow we have

writer Evals 'til five,

then the slash mixer,

and then the live read.

Hello!

Person talking to you I.R.L.

Sorry. Um... i have to

go to the bathroom.

You're just going to gawk

at your phone somewhere

where I can't give you

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