Slash Page #3

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Where are you going?

Oh, my band has a show.

What's your band?

Dance or die.

It sounds awesome.

Yeah, well, it's pretty stupid.

I bet you're really good.

- Just get out!

- All right.

I'm off.

I have to pick up Tim.

It smells like sweat in here.

What was that?

I'm bisexual, just so you know.

Eww, she's not even gay.

All women are bisexual.

All of them.

My first blog, clitora majora,

is all about it.

- So, you ready?

- No. For what?

It's time to upload.

I don't think I'm ready.

Dude, they only send invites

to writers who post.

And besides, writers,

real writers,

let people read their sh*t.

And your sh*t is good.

I mean, it's not

as good as mine,

but traditionally boys don't

write very good erotica.

- So, by those standards...

- Okay, fine.

Just, stop talking.

Really?

Oh, my god. What are you

like the one person

on the entire Internet that

doesn't lie about their age?

- Are you a Mennonite?

- No.

I just, I don't want

to misrepresent myself.

Okay. I'm gonna go

out on a limb here

and say that this is not about

misrepresenting yourself.

You don't want to do this

because once you do,

you're one of us.

It's the final line.

The last taboo.

Well, there's no

turning back, Van fan.

It's in god's hands now.

What?

Can we just turn comments off?

No, dude, it's part

of the public record now.

You're killing me.

Let's talk about something else.

Literally anything else.

I like the way you eat.

Neil, when we were

horsing around,

did you get a boner?

- Like a little bit of a boner?

- No!

Okay. It's cool

if you did.

I thought that you were...

What?

Nothing.

It's cool if you popped a chub.

God, shut up.

- Yo.

- Where's Martine?

I don't know. At the abortion

clinic with her mom.

Wanna grab some food? We can go

to footlongers and get some subs.

Watch "celebrity apprentice"

at my place.

And by your place you mean

your mom's basement?

Yeah, whatever.

I got weed.

You wanna come?

Whoa! What the f***

do you think I look like?

A f***ing full service

food court?

No, that's okay.

I've got math homework.

See, he's got math homework.

He's got a future.

F*** you.

Neil, really great work today.

I have you nymph.

The hot breath is his voice

in her elongated, elfin ear.

The ear that to nymph kind,

seconded as a highly

erogenous zone.

Fain was lost unto herself.

His name now known to her.

Michael.

Sir Michael.

My sweet Michael.

All right, so nicklepenny

comes through the door

minus his pants.

Hollycotton is surprised

and crosses to l-6.

Mr. nicklepenny!

- I thought you were...

- Across the hall?

This mansion is still

quite a mystery to me.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

That's too much.

Reverse.

No, no, that's not right either.

Look, I have a test

in 30 minutes,

and I'm not going to fail

because of your slow ass.

And how long did we wait

for you to get off-book?

F*** you!

I have dyslexia.

Miss Lewis, this is

a tech rehearsal

and I can't put up

with her anymore.

I take dyslexia medication.

Jessie, take a break.

Neil, hey.

Neil!

Huh?

Could you be so kind as to

relieve miss hunt for a moment?

I can't put up with her...

Can you imagine having

to deal with her parents?

So, Jessie tells me

you're a writer.

You really freaked her out.

- Oh, I didn't mean to.

- Dude, that needed to happen.

This place could use

some subversion.

Yeah, um, in AP English,

we got to read Oscar Wilde...

- so you gonna let me read it?

- Oh.

Okay, let's take it

from the double entendre.

It seems that Horace

has mistakenly

taken my clothes.

Thankfully not all of them.

Yes, thankfully.

Oh... it's cotton.

Cotton's a very

versatile fabric,

don't you think?

Extremely pliable

to a man's touch.

What appears course,

now in my hands

is so very, very soft.

Oh, my god.

Oh, listen to this, "Deron Zaxa,

ever the orator, put his mouth to

quite a different purpose now."

Dude, this Deron Zaxa guy

is you straight up.

- Neil. -You do know

he's straight, right?

Thanks.

You're gonna have

to drive my car.

Are you crying?

No.

I'm pretty sure you're crying.

Never drink vodka from a

plastic jug with a handle.

Okay.

Mike Holloway

is pure dick cheese.

Neil, I have something

important to tell you.

Something I've been

thinking about for a while.

I think you use

too much flowery prose.

What?

You say things like,

"he stroked his velvet rod,"

when you should be like,

"he pumped his stone cock."

Readers respond better

to direct language.

Thanks.

I can impart the wisdom

of our one year

age difference, you know?

Um, your mom has a lot

of religious stuff.

Yeah, I think that's why

my dad killed himself.

He was gay, you know.

My dad, he kept it to himself.

I guess he preferred death

to coming out.

Man, do you really think

being gay killed him?

I don't wanna be here

when my mom gets home.

What?

Mom's home.

Stay here.

I... I had to print

something for work.

You know we've always

supported your interests.

And the Internet is, wow,

an incredible tool.

- We don't have to do this. -I think

what we're trying to say is just 'cause

information is out there,

doesn't mean it's accurate.

We just don't want you getting

particular information, you know,

- from the wrong sources.

- I'm 15.

Hey, you can read whatever you want.

We're fine with that.

As long as you're reading.

Uh-huh, as long as

it's not "mein Kampf."

But actually, well, "mein Kampf" is

actually a pretty interesting read.

Honey, I don't want you

to feel awkward about this.

If you want to read intelligent

prose on human sexuality

I can make you a reading list.

Eww! No! What do you

mean intelligent?

Well, it's just whoever wrote

that story on your computer,

they obviously don't have

the first clue

about actual human

relationships.

It's demented.

I don't think your mother's

talking about

- the homosexual content, not particularly.

- Please stop.

It's just more

of a basic plotting problem.

You're absorbing material

that has some rudimentary

grammatical errors in it.

You've got sentence fragments,

you've got dangling participles.

I actually have been helping

Neil with his writing.

- Huh. -He's got a lot

of innate talent.

He just uses too much

flowery prose.

There's no flowery prose!

Neil tells me you two

are considering a split?

- What?

- I'm sorry.

I just thought I could

provide some insight,

since my parents are divorced.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Open and honest dialog is key

to maintaining a stable

relationship.

- Is it now?

- Totally.

I write about it all the time.

That and be honest about

one's own sexual desires.

- It's rare that anyone ever is.

- Huh.

I edit a lit journal

on women's studies.

I plan to pursue that

in college.

- Women's studies?

- Yeah, female sexuality

in literature, specifically.

Reverse gender roles

in pop culture,

sexual submissive hierarchy,

rape paradigms.

I actually wrote a 22 page

thesis on the concept

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