Sleeping with Other People Page #3

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Let her down easy.

Yeah.

Elaine?

Elaine Dalton?

Yes, um...

Sorry. It's Lainey.

Only my father calls me Elaine.

Doctor Sobvechik

will see you now.

You didn't have

to make an appointment.

This used to be our move.

Me pretending to be a patient.

You look great.

It's been a while.

I get worried when

you disappear.

Me too.

It's really good to see you.

What do you want to talk about?

- I can't see you anymore.

- I agree.

Yeah, I think...

we need to be over.

I asked Emma to marry me.

She kept bringing it up.

I thought it was the

right thing to do.

You and Emma got back together.

Yes. Did I not tell you that?

How's Sam?

He's...

fine.

Good.

I'm glad we ended

it face-to-face.

You were right to come.

Will you do me a favor?

Will you erase your

number from my phone?

I won't be able to do it.

Is this what you want, Elaine?

Yes. I want it all the time.

It's all I think about.

Good afternoon. Doctor

Sobvechik's office.

I'm sorry, the Doctor's

unavailable at the moment.

He's getting married.

Who would marry him?

Did she consent?

Is she in a coma?

I mean, who is this person?

Where do you find her? Some sort

of like, website for people

who want to have a horrible,

painful life...

I think I need to stop having

sex altogether for a while.

No, alright.

The problem isn't sex.

The problem is Captain Amazing

has monopolized your vag for

like a decade and now

you're a pod person.

But maybe if I don't

have any sex...

And become sexually anorexic?

No.

What? Is that a real thing?

Yeah, of course it's a

real thing. Sexual anorexia.

It's like depriving yourself of

sex because of low self-esteem,

or abuse or other gnarly sh*t.

- That's great.

That's another dysfunction I

have to worry about developing.

It's like enough with this sh*t.

It's over, Jack.

It's like enough! I mean,

you can do so much better.

I don't care if it's a woman

or if it's somebody else,

just anything but the schmuck.

I feel like people

are looking at us.

The guy I lost my virginity to

was at my sex addicts meeting.

What do you think that means?

It's a sign. You should

f*** that guy. A lot.

I don't think everyone should

just be running around f***ing

willy-nilly, Okay, in your

specific case I do think you

should f*** that sex addict.

One look in the mirror and

I know the party's over.

You have lipstick on your teeth.

Thank you.

This is my wife!

This is Blainey.

Lainey. Lainey - with an L.

What's wrong with you.

Bring it in here.

Never make it end.

This is Lainey!

Lainey, Naomi.

This is my wife!

Shots. I'm getting everybody

shots. Shots for all round.

We're going to keep it going.

Top shelf, bro, because

we're rich as sh*t now.

Okay,

stop screaming that.

- Rich as sh*t!

- I'm telling you,

someone's gonna murder

us if you keep screaming...

- I don't care. We're in a cool

bar. I just bought a Tesla!

That's not true.

We are borrowing a Tesla

to see if we like it.

Listen, are you guys...

are you guys sleeping

with each other?

- No!

- Oh good. Oh my god, good.

What are you guys talking about?

I'm telling her not

to have sex with you!

Oh, well you're too late!

Because we lost our

virginity to each other!

- Are you serious.

- You didn't know!

Yeah, I told him earlier.

- We all knew.

- You didn't know!

- That's a beautiful story.

- Yeah.

- True romantic.

- Right!

Here we go. Bring it in.

To virginity!

- To virginity!

- Get lost.

- I just gonna

go outside for a...

- Naomi still has

her anal virginity.

That's not true.

A lot of guys have been

up there, just not you.

Oh, wait, wait.

Girl, girl, girl -

- Lainey, her name's Lainey.

- Lainey, sorry.

Quick question before

you walk out the door,

are you the reason that my

friend Jake here is the biggest

slut in the world?

- What are you doing?

- I'm saying, like,

he puts his dick in like

every sticky hole he finds.

- That's not true.

- It gross.

- Xander!

- But like I'm jels.

Come on.

- No, I'm just kidding.

- I don't know.

I don't know.

- I'm just kidding.

I know it's not you.

I know it's not you.

I know it's because

his dad molested him.

- What?

- What?

- Now everybody knows!

- He was a boy scout leader.

Bro, you're welcome.

You're welcome.

- How am I welcome?

- I just set that up for you!

Where is she going?

- Yeah, don't let

her get away, man.

Dude, you have

to chase after her.

- I know.

- She's a lobster, man.

- Okay. Alright.

- She seems...

amazing.

- Awesome!

Hey, Lainey.

Where are you going?

Yeah, sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

I want to thank you for tonight.

It was great.

Just go in and have

fun with your friends.

I just-I FaceBooked you

because it thought I should

start dating again, I'm

trying to get over this guy...

Was this supposed to be a date?

Oh sh*t, it was...

Oh hell. I'm an idiot.

I'm sorry, I'm a dick.

I'm sorry, I didn't know. I...

Hey, how about

we go on a date.

This is a date now.

- We'll go out...

- Oh, now it's...

- Yeah, it's a date.

Let's go on a date.

This is good.

I'll go inside, I'm gonna get my

jacket then I'll come out and

we'll date it up.

Matthew Sobvechik?

The guy had all the charm

of a broken Etch-a-Sketch.

- It feels so freeing to

tell someone about it

who actually knows him.

Okay, you're going to have

to explain this to me.

I mean, is he packing? Huh?

Is that what's going on?

Does it tip in hundreds?

Read you the Polar

Express before bedtime?

You know, it's pretty

average actually.

Ah, goddammit!

Even his junk is boring.

God damn boring dick!

That's so weird, and

you're a catch! It's true.

You know, I'm serious.

You've got a strong vocabulary.

You look dynamite in a tank top.

It's just - what gives?

I guess...

I guess, I just thought

eventually he'd choose me.

And so I always chose him.

If he texted I'd think

of an excuse. I'd lie, I'd...

That's psychotic.

Thanks.

Well, I mean it's

not your fault.

You know, little girls are told

someday they'll find The One.

What they don't tell you guys is

that The One might be a complete

f***ing d*ckhead with a boring

heroin penis that turns you all

into a sex addict.

That's what they...

- I'm not a sex addict.

- Oh yeah. Yeah. Me neither.

- I went to a few meetings

because my therapist suggested

that I go, that it might help.

But it didn't, so I stopped.

- Okay.

- What's your excuse?

- Me?

- Yeah.

My girlfriend said if I didn't

go she'd break up with me.

So I went to a meeting.

She broke up with me anyway.

I'm cured.

Well why did she want you to go?

She... some have suggested

that I have a little bit of

a problem staying faithful...

for long periods of time...

or possibly at all. I guess.

And it all comes out.

Look, once I come to the

realization that I'm with-

the wrong girl, I don't

know how to end it.

So you sabotage it by

sleeping with other people.

Yes. Exactly, yeah.

Obviously they get upset,

but then comes the big old

rigmarole of like 'you're

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