Sleeping with Other People Page #4

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afraid to commit' and it's like

'no, I just don't want

to commit to you.'

But I can't say that, because

that's like mean on top of mean.

So it's no, no, no.

It's not you, it's me.

I don't like you.

You know, like that.

- Yeah, that's harsh.

That's harsh, right.

You can't say that.

So instead I'd rather

just say something like:

'I f***ed your sister.'

- Much better.

Well, it's honest.

You have to f*** the sister

in order for it to work.

It's like I'd rather -

Be the bad guy than

tell the truth.

See. You get it.

Yeah. But I'm psychotic.

But like an

approachable psychotic.

That's the thing I don't

think I mentioned earlier.

- You like it?

- Yeah, it's Like Ted Bundy.

You can't get into a van

by just being a jerk.

You've got to have a

certain way about you.

...appetites?

- That would be -

That would be something.

- Yes, yes, yes.

- I'm hungry again.

Already?

You know, that's

Dim Sum for you.

I have snacks at home.

I have...

This is actually -

this is my train.

What here? Oh yeah?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Alright.

- So I'm probably

going to hit the road.

- Yeah.

- Jake, thank you.

We did it.

This was a good date.

We did the date.

- I think it was the first I

think it might have been the

first date I've ever been on

so I don't really have much to

compare it to, but

it seemed solid.

Good. Okay.

Sh*t...

What?

I- I want to f*** you.

- What? That's so...

- I know...

- No!

- What do you mean no?

What did I do?

Stop wanting to!

It's kinda hard.

I mean, look at you.

I mean, you're so pretty and

you're vulnerable and it's just

like you might as well be

wearing a sign that says:

Solve my problems

with your penis!

Jake, we just spent the entire

evening talking about how we

screw up every sexual

relationship we've ever have.

I know, right.

And yet here I am, wanting...

So maybe we gotta

just be friends.

Yes. That is the mature,

responsible thing

to do for each other and

ourselves, yes I agree.

Okay, but we've got to

come up with a system,

if we're gonna be friends, and

I want to be good friends...

It's fair. So maybe we come up

with a safe word for if we're

having sexual tension and

then we'll stop whatever...

If you're doing something sexy

or I'm doing something sexy.

- Feeling attracted.

- It's mutual?

So it is mutual?

You're saying it's mutual?

- It could be mutual.

- That's a yes.

I may or may not have to use

the word. We'll have to see.

Okay, alright.

Well say it for me.

- Yeah. Anything. I'll do

anything. You pick it, and yes.

- It's Avocado.

- No. Can't do that.

No. It's an immediate veto?

I mean, it's too sexual.

It's too sexual.

- Avocado is too sexual?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, you've got to

see the way I eat an avocado

and you'll be like that's

you know, do that to me.

Guam.

- Guam, like the country Guam?

No! No.

I knew a girl whose father was

from Guam and she literally had

one of the best natural bodies

I've ever seen in my life.

Noodle salad.

Noodle salad?

That's a sex thing.

What?

That's a bunch of guys

putting flaccid d*cks into

someone's mouth.

That is called a noddle salad.

That is not a thing.

I mean it absolutely is a thing.

I know it's a thing.

Go to noodlesalad.org

Now I feel like you're

just trying to find problems.

I would make the argument that

you are just suggesting only

things that can only be

perceived as sexual.

- Okay, so it needs

to be more violent.

- Yeah.

- Dick in a Mousetrap!

- Yikes! What is that?

- Oh!

- That's awful!

You don't like it?

- No!

- That's the one.

- What?

- We'll shorten it to Mousetrap.

- Thank you. Goodbye.

- Mousetrap? Alright. Goodbye.

- I'm going. I'm going for it.

- Yeah. Live on the edge.

- Goodnight.

Careful. Bye.

Bye.

- Bye.

Your face

will surely show it,

If you're happy and you

know it clap your hands!

Yay!

Good singing. Good. Alright,

free play. Everybody play.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Lyle, no, no, no, no.

Alexander had the ball first.

Why did you take it from him?

Hey, no. You've got to use

your words. We don't do that.

- One of my students

reminds me of you.

He's devastatingly handsome?

He reminds me of us.

He has no one to play

with and gets angry.

So nobody wants to play with him

cuz he's angry all the time.

No dates, huh?

- Haven't met anyone.

I've been busy.

Studying for the MCATs,

you know. You?

Nothing. Nada.

Have you texted Voldemort?

Trying to distract myself.

Sometimes I dress up in lingerie

just to feel something.

Oof, mousetrap.

You should text me what

you want to text him.

I miss your cock in my mouth.

I miss the way you

feel on top of me.

I miss making you cum.

- Whoa, since when are you a

porn star with killer grammar?

That's how I text with him.

- Okay, well you're

sending porn star

vibes instead of Lainey vibes.

- You're one to talk.

You're a completely different

guy with me than

with other ladies.

That's not true.

- If you want someone to fall

for you, you gotta be you.

- Yeah, I don't think I

like me enough to introduce

him to other people.

Night.

That was fun.

- Goodnight.

- Goodnight.

He looked so normal.

Like he hadn't even noticed

we stopped sleeping together.

No, no. He noticed.

He's just not thinking

about it the same way.

Right. Right, great.

I'm a guilty slut and he gets

to be a heartless alpha

male who f***ing jogs!

No! That's not it at all.

To Sobvechik,

you're like the hardest

drug at the coolest party.

In a second he has

to make a decision;

do I go home now or cancel

everything tomorrow.

You know, no pre-meditation

means no post-meditation.

It's not like months from

now he's thinking, oh gosh,

I wonder how crack is doing?

Or I hope cocaine

isn't mad at me!

You know. No dude thinks like

that. Except Aaron Sorkin.

Are you saying I'm

crack cocaine?

Yeah. Don't sell

yourself short.

We wouldn't have The

West Wing without you.

What is wrong with me?

- Nothing's wrong with you. Are

you kidding me? You're great.

I mean you're funny,

you're sexy, you're cool,

like...

Oh... -

What? You run

out of compliments?

Yeah. No. Do you

remember that girl, Renee?

- Had a spectacular time

with you last night.

I'm at lunch.

Just tried calling you.

Have you ever thought

about taking a road trip?

At least respond so I know

you're alive and okay.

GIF of a panda dancing!

Seriously - are you okay?

I was on the subway,

did you text me?

F*** me then ignore me...

Nice one, Jake!

Photo of a dog

dressed as a Nazi!

I have chlamydia...

Okay, I was joking!!!

I do have HPV though...

and I hope it's the one

that gives you dick cancer.

Emoji of a heart. xxx Renee.

Well, that's sort of normal.

You actively stalked someone

today, your perception of

normal might be a

little skewed, my dear.

Okay, you slept with her.

Rocked her face.

Yes. With my body.

You didn't call her.

I lost my phone in a cab.

And you unleashed her Khaleesi.

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