Sleeping with Other People Page #5

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Wait. You mean like

Game of Thrones Khaleesi?

Yes. Either A) we make

multiple babies with you or

B) we cut your dick off.

Jesus...

I've got my fingers crossed

out here for an option C.

C) You appease her.

And how do you

appease your Khaleesi?

I spend about a

month's rent on this.

What do you think?

Yeah, I mean you should

definitely wear stuff over it.

Nice neg.

Mousetrap.

Hey, you've reached

Lainey. Leave a message.

Hey dude, It's me. I

haven't heard from you in a

while so I'm gonna guess

you either finally f***ed Jake

or you got into med school.

Either way, mazel tov. Happy

Hannukah or whatever the...

Just pick a TV

and we can get out of here.

So tell me what happened.

Oh right. Okay, so I've been

seeing this gal Thea, alright.

She's black. And...

- Wait. Stop!

Does this story end with you

doing something super racist?

Oh my god. No!

Why are you telling

me she's black?

I don't know. I...

I'm just trying to give you

a mental picture, that's all.

Okay. Racist. Keep going.

Okay. Well, we go see a movie.

During the day.

And she's super smart and cool

and also gorgeous but I do what

we talked about:
I do

not sleep with her.

You're so strong.

I'm so proud.

Hey. Not all of us can remain

celibate for a year, alright.

I'm just waiting

for the right guy.

The white guy?

Whose racist now...

- The right guy.

- Oh, the right guy.

Oh, the one you waited

for for ten year.

That right guy? You know,

he's married now - that one?

What're we doing

in this aisle?

Can I finish my story please?

I wait four days and then I

call her and we go out again.

Alright? No sex.

I mean, we hook up but I don't,

like, finger her or anything.

Awesome.

So I call her last

night, and I'm like:

Hey, do you want to go see the

new Wes Anderson movie?

- Ugh.

- What? And then she's like:

Jake. What are you doing?

- And I'm like, Oh of course.

Wes Anderson is such a

stupid white guy thing

to do suggest, you know.

Okay, racist.

And also dumb. Yes.

Do you two need any help?

No, we're good. She just takes

a while to make a decision.

- I do.

- Yeah, you got it.

And so I'm like well do you

want to go see something else?

And then she says:

- Why haven't we had sex yet?

Do you just want to be friends?

Because honestly, I

have enough friends.

Where are you right now?

That was awesome.

Oh my god...

Oh golly...

Sorry if I was too noisy,

but that was like...

I don't know what got into me.

Hey...

Did you...

- No.

- Oh.

But don't take it personally.

I don't orgasm

during sex that much.

So? Lots of

women don't cum during sex.

So? No, no, no. That has

never happened to me before!

What positions did you do?

- No. We did everything.

What's your favorite position?

- I don't know.

The regular one?

The regular-come on.

From behind.

- Exactly. Because

you hate your dad.

Oh my god. Mousetrap!

All set.

And can I just say

we think you two are the

coolest married couple ever.

- That's-we don't

get that enough.

- So sweet.

- Thank you.

- That's really sweet.

- Happy holidays.

- Let's go, hon.

- Happy holidays, yes.

I will just meet you

out by our minivan.

- I'll meet you out front.

- Okay, great.

I'll have to move the

car seat and then there

will be plenty of room.

Car seat? Are we

going to have a kid?

It's just like-

when do you orgasm?

When does it happen to you?

- When I'm with Matthew.

- Yeah, okay.

- That's it.

That's it!

Okay, well that just

explained everything.

That's-you haven't had

an orgasm in a year?

Come on, that's bullshit.

Not even when you masturbate?

Lainey, you've got

to be kidding me!

You don't mast...

Why not?

What-I don't know.

I've tried to! I try.

I just, I don't know,

I - I get bored.

Bored? How's that boring?

- I feel good when

I'm with Matthew.

I don't know. I don't know

how to recreate that for myself.

Well f*** the TV,

I'm going to teach you

how to finger yourself

today. Right now, okay.

- What?

- It's go time.

Sister. Alright?

Let's go. Alright.

- Okay...

- No, no. This is a good thing.

It's about time.

Get it out. Okay...

For the purposes of today's

tutorial your vagina will be

played by this former

bottle of green tea.

- Looks just like it.

- Okay. Good to know.

So, here's what we do. First

thing you do is you take this

guy, this index finger

and you're just going to slide

it in there like that, okay.

And you're going to curve it up

a little bit and I want you to

tap the roof like that.

You see that - that's your G

Spot - alright, you got that?

Yeah. I'll check it out.

- Alright, now next move, you're

going to take the middle finger

here, you know, the bad boy

right you're gonna pop that in

as well and then you're gonna

have that one tapping the roof

and then this one - the middle

finger - is going to be sort of

circling this sort

of fleshy gap area.

My cervix? Jesus.

Yeah, sure. You know what it's

called. Wonderful. Good for you.

Okay yes, so you're going

to go after the cervix here.

So you're going to mind the

gap, right. And tap the roof.

Mind the gap. Tap the roof.

- You got it. And at this point

you want to start thinking

about something arousing. You

know, like maybe you want to

think about the guy you lost

your virginity to perhaps.

Gross.

Okay, and then you're

going to start to get wet.

You're going to start to get wet

and then you're going to start

to feel some contractions

in your vagina.

At that point you're going to

want to squeeze your vagina

harder than it

wants to go, okay.

- And that's called...

- Kegeling.

Well it's pronounced kee -gul

- ing, but it doesn't matter.

Uh, I got into medical school!

I think I know how

it's pronounced.

What - you did?

You didn't tell me that.

Oh yeah. I got in. Michigan.

Wow...

Lane, that's great...

Alright.

I mean, are you gonna go?

What are you thinking?

Well I mean I have until the end

of the summer to decide. So...

- Keep going!

- Oh, right. Yeah. Oh, um...

Okay, so do you know

what a dirty DJ is?

- No.

- You don't? Okay, great.

Okay, so the biggest

misconception that guys have

about the clitoris,

if they can find it,

is that they're too nice to it.

Okay, that's the problem. I

mean the trick is to be a little

rude to the clitoris, okay.

Oh really?

Yeah. Go to town on this little

motherf***er right here.

You just-you just you know,

so that's the dirty DJ -

it's like you're

scratching a record.

Let-let-let the drummer

Let-let-let the

drummer get wicked right?

And you just really want

to work that little bugger.

You know, remember

like the old IBM Thinkpads?

And that little nub. Right?

Okay, so you just really

go after it like

that - just like this.

So you have that -

that's phase three.

So again - yeah, perfect.

Natural...

So tap the roof.

Mind the gap.

Oh, see. Okay, yeah.

Work all three.

Look at that.

It's like you're doing

oh boy, oh boy...

I feel like Anne Sullivan

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