Sleeping with Other People Page #6

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teaching Helen Keller about

water right now. That is

amazing. What a breakthrough!

- Like that?

- Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, just take a night, crack

open a bottle of rose and just

have multiple orgasms.

If you want...

I... Primatologists actually

believed that-that women

evolved this way so that...

they could mate with as many

men in one session as possible.

F***ing awesome...

That's neat.

Multiple orgasms for

multiple partners.

Gang bangs. And such.

Yeah...

- I'm gonna go home.

- Yeah. Me too.

- No, no. You live here.

- Yes I do!

- Okay now...

- Bye!

- Bye now.

- Thank you.

Yeah yeah yeah.

I think it's a

little bit weird that a

straight dude had

to tell you all that.

- I think it's sort of great.

I mean, he's actually dating.

He's not cheating. And I hardly

think about Matthew. Like ever.

Yeah. Because you're in a

relationship with each other.

No we're not.

You're not out there!

This guy Jake is taking up

emotional real estate that

could be occupied by a

real option, okay.

You leased the that

space out to Matthew,

rent free I might add, and

now you've replaced him with

another unavailable avoidant

breeder you don't f***.

Like where's the

f***ing in all this?

Hey babe.

Sorry I'm late.

Look at this little baby face.

It's beautiful.

Very sick in the head though.

Very sick in the head.

How's your fake boyfriend?

Oh my god!

We're just friends!

Men and women can't be friends.

It's like life 101.

- Stop lying to yourself.

- Come one! That's bullshit.

It's the 21st century.

We know that's not true.

You and I are friends.

Sex doesn't get in the

way of our friendship.

I'm not attracted to you.

And I have zero penises.

I am.

Hi, George. Hi, it's me.

Your girlfriend.

I like bad girls

with Daddy issues.

- She's twenty-two,

she'll f*** anyone.

Wait. I'm sorry, no.

Serious, she's probably

f***ed everyone in here

but I don't even care.

You got a minute?

Not really. I'm kind of

in the middle of something.

I was thinking...

Oh yeah?

Do you wanna come to Henry's

birthday party this weekend?

Really?

- Yep.

Xander, in the eight years

I've known you as a father

you have never once

invited me to any function

involving your children.

Hear me out. I was thinking...

Maybe you and Lainey...

Ah, I knew it! No.

See, Lainey and

I are not dating.

I know that. I'm not

saying you have to date her,

I'm not saying you have

to come as a couple.

I'm just saying arrive

at the party together.

Come as friends - or whatever

f***ed up thing you guys have...

- We're best friends.

- No, we're best friends!

- That's not true.

- What?

Look, she's my best friend and

I would say by circumstance and

certainly duration, you

would be my next best friend.

You know what,

I'll even allow that.

You're my last single friend,

I can't have you mingling...

- Hey.

- Yes?

We have a meeting with

group sales in twenty.

Are you two prepared?

Huh? Not at all.

Should I reschedule the meeting

for when you are ready?

Five or six months from now?

- I would make it a cool seven.

- Yeah, seven at least.

- Sh*t, I'm not available then.

Oh well, I tried.

See you in twenty?

You got it, boss.

- Mousetrap...

- What the f*** is that?

That was repartee.

- That's exactly why I can't

have you at the party.

Because you have

repartee with everybody.

You love repartee. All you want

to do is flit around the party,

flirt with the moms.

And then they all get mad, and

then they turn on each other.

Then they yell at Naomi,

then Naomi yells at me.

Then they won't let their

kids play with me kids.

Then I have to play with my kids

because my kids have no friends.

I'm raising friendless

children because of you.

Do you understand?

It is a cascading sh*t

storm that is your creation.

- A tremendous amount of Malcolm

Gladwellian logic jumps.

We'll you've spent ten thousand

hours f***ing my life up.

- So bring Lainey to the party.

- Okay. Fine.

I will, on behalf of your

children - and Naomi,

I will talk to Lainey

and see what we can do.

Listen, I'm not saying you

and Lainey need to date.

I'm just saying, for the

first time, I'm a little bit

optimistic you might

not become that creepy guy.

But he's got a point. I'm going

to be the creepy old dude!

Like, that sucks. And then what

happens when my dick doesn't

get as hard as it used to, okay.

Because that's going to happen.

It's going to happen,

it's inevitable.

And young chicks don't

put up with that sh*t,

they have no time for that.

And older women are going to be

nowhere near into my nonsense.

Okay? Just not into it at all.

It's at that point,

what do I do?

I just buy the fedora

and move to Miami, right?

Make a golf cart my

own mode of transportation.

- I've never seen you like this.

- I can't believe it...

- You're spinning. You're

spinning, and honestly...

- get lucky and happy...

- Honest you sound like a woman.

- ...bachelor parties at

people third marriages...

Like that's-

what is that? That's crazy.

It's him.

Him who?

He never calls.

He always texts.

Okay, no! Don't answer that.

- Jake! Jake!

- Don't answer it. No.

Give me the phone!

- No. Absolutely not.

Lainey, what are you doing?

Hey, you don't do this anymore.

Remember? We're okay.

I'm sorry, yeah. You got to

breathe Lainey, please breathe.

Is there a problem?

Uh, yeah. My wife, she's

prone to panic attacks.

It's this guy she's

sleeping with. It's alright.

Okay...

Dude get the f***

out of here, I got it.

Alright, easy.

- I appreciate your

concern, Superman! Fly away.

Baby. Just breathe will you.

Okay? Will you?

Here, come on, sit down.

You're gonna be okay.

It's alright, you

just got to breathe.

Please. Okay?

Yeah. There you go.

Lainey, this is just fear.

Alright?

A really, really

large dose of fear.

That's all that's going on.

A little adrenaline -

in a bad way.

Does that make sense?

Also...

Mousetrap.

Complete and total

Mousetrap right now.

Oh my god.

Stop. You're so f***ed up.

I'm f***ed up?

What are you talking about?

You went Kathy Bates in Misery

in the middle of Central Park.

Come on . Maybe we're both f***ed

up. At least give me that.

Come on. You want to get out of

here? Central Park sucks.

I mean it's a goddamn

bird toilet anyway.

Almost done.

Just one more.

This is the

greatest movie ever made.

Yeah, of course you

love it. Look at her.

God I love you...

That's you, baby.

I love you!

I'm gonna murder you all.

I love you!

That's the second

time you said that.

Said what?

You called me baby just now.

And you said it

the other day too.

- I'm sorry.

- It's okay.

No, I mean it was

a total accident.

I don't I don't

know why I would...

Do you want talk about it?

Talk about what?

We're not a couple

but we act like one.

Yeah...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um...

I guess I've been putting this

conversation off for awhile.

We don't have to...

No. No. No.

It's good. We should.

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