Sleeping with Other People Page #7

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Okay, well...

You take this risk when you

start sleeping with people.

You know, you risk losing them.

So for me, I've never

slept with someone I

wasn't willing to lose.

Except one time.

And...

And it kills me that you're

probably gonna go to Michigan.

And it kills me that I

can't ask you to stay,

because I have no

right to, you know. And...

So I just want to spend as

much time with my best friend

as I possibly can.

Before I lose her again.

I'm sorry. I'm being selfish.

I know it's like...

No. You're telling the truth.

Yeah...

So what now?

Hey, I got an idea.

- Hm-mm?

- Will you...

take Molly with me and go

to a kid's birthday party?

I literally thought

you'd never ask.

- You thought I'd

never get to this?

- I thought you would

never get to this.

Where have you been all my life?

Right over your shoulder.

Waiting.

For the right moment.

Is that a yes or a no?

Happy birthday!

Look who it is.

Look at this little human here.

Hello. Happy birthday.

It's you're birthday!

Actually it's...

it's Henry's. He's seven.

She's not seven - but so

happy you guys are here.

Oh my god - are you guys high?

We're actually rolling.

XTC? You know, that's how

Henry was actually conceived.

- No kidding.

- Yeah...

- Well that explains a lot.

- Full circle...

Yeah. Don't have a baby, guys.

No offense, but

seriously, just be safe.

You know what I mean.

But I'm sorry happy

you guys are here.

It's so good to see you.

- Transformers

guy didn't show up.

You kidding?

No, no, no. Oh my god -

just kidding. No. Okay...

It feels soft and smooth.

No, and so there's a

little bit of a meltdown.

It's a little bit of a crisis

so I'm glad you're here.

Oh, is this for Henry?

- Yeah.

Oh great. He loves

New York ladies' flip flops.

Oh, no, no, no. those are mine.

Those are for me. Those are me,

that shouldn't be in there.

It's just a shitload of candy.

Great. Okay. That'll be nice.

Are those hot

pads also for Henry?

Yeah. Can I just hold them now?

Okay, sure. Come in.

Okay, hopefully she

goes down for her nap.

Okay - oh my god...

Okay, that kid has a hose.

That kid has a hose.

You guys made it, huh?

Welcome to the hell scape that

is my son's birthday party.

It's birth control.

Okay, when I say

hello, you say hi!

- Hello!

- Hi!

- Hello!

- Hi!

I'm Miss Dalton! So you say

'Hi - Hi, Miss Dalton!

Hi, Miss Dalton!

Great! Okay, who

wants to learn a dance!

Me!

Okay, everybody go

out to the grass.

I will meet you there.

I will be right there.

Naomi, put on track

seven on my workout mix.

- Wait, Lainey...

you don't have to do this.

It's not your responsibility.

Okay, relax.

I do this for a living. Also,

two minutes ago, I accepted

my body for the first time.

That a girl!

She dances for a living?

- No, deals with kids.

- She told me to relax,

and the word lasted

for like four seconds.

Okay, okay, okay.

Great, alright.

Are you guys ready

to learn a dance?

- Yes!

- Yes! Okay, this is good.

Because everyone likes

a person who can dance.

And this dance you can do

anywhere - all you need is your-

- Body!

- Yes! And just a little-

- Music!

- Yes!

Okay, are you guys

ready to learn the moves?

Yes!

Okay. Let's do this!

On my count...

here we go!

Five, six, seven, eight...

Ugh, I miss drugs...

Why don't we do drugs?

Because he have to control these

lives that we gave birth to.

- First of all, I

gave birth to them.

- Whatever.

- We gave birth to?

I have not felt that free...

maybe my whole life.

What?

- I want that...

What are you doing?

Okay, he's going to

put a stop to it.

Alright, now we're

going to freestyle.

Who knows who to freestyle?

- Me!

- Alright, grab your folks.

Who's the choreographer?

Oh, that's Jake's friend Lainey.

Jake's friend Lainey - who

he really wants to f***.

Yeah, really wants to

get deep up in there.

- Like gross.

- So she's single...

Oh, one hundred percent.

This was an awful idea.

Oh wow, that's weird.

I can hear my mom's voice

when I'm underwater.

Oh, this is good stuff.

Excuse me.

I'm Chris. This is Paul.

Lainey. Jake.

- Ah, hi you two.

Are you guys married?

This is my son, and he really

liked dancing with you.

Didn't you, buddy?

- Dude... are you really using

your kid to hit on my friend?

Shut up. Ignore him.

He's on drugs.

Hi Paul. Nice to meet you.

- We're heading out.

But here's my info.

In case you feel like

you might need it.

Come on, buddy.

You can drive.

- Oh boy...

in case you might need it?

Why would you need his info.

You're jealous.

I'm going to assume it is

because you're coming down

off a powerful drug.

First part false.

Second part true.

Chris Smith.

Hold on - what?

His name's Chris Smith?

It is?

As in Chris Smith tree?

As in Chris Smith carol?

- No.

- Holy smokes!

I always thought he'd

be heavier with a beard.

- Leave him alone.

- I love it. It's great.

Okay, I'm going to

try it again, alright.

Just see if any of the

water goes down, alright.

I love those Rush Hour movies.

Oh my gosh. Anything that

African American says, anything

and I'm laughing, you know.

Hm-mm. Yeah.

- Sh*t, that was dumb.

- No, Chris.

It's fine. They're great.

They're such good movies.

I was married for eight years.

And I just I haven't

done this in a while.

Me neither.

Are you okay?

Be rude to it.

That was ridiculous.

The Dirty DJ was our thing!

Okay?

- Jake!

- That was our thing.

- Okay, let me be

super clear here.

Please.

- We don't have things

that are sexual.

We don't sleep with each other

so we don't have things.

Okay, but you know

what I mean, alright.

I taught you that

as a gift to you.

That was not a Chris Smith gift.

So. I don't get

mad when you bring other

chicks to our restaurant.

- Our restaurant?

- Yeah.

Oh, thank you. Our restaurant?

I didn't know we put a down

payment on this place?

Come on.

- I love that you get ownership

over a randomly selected

dumpling spot but me,

I can't share with you the

slightest disappointment

over you co-opting

an original idea of mine.

- First of all, you are not the

Mark Zuckerberg of vaginas.

I don't know who that is.

- And secondly, do not gaslight

me with SAT words and sliding

scale morality.

I'm not one of your dates.

- That is very true.

You are not one of my dates.

Some water

for you and the lady?

- No, the lady doesn't need it.

She doesn't deserve that.

- I would like that, please.

I actually would like the water.

- Sir, I can't stress enough-

if we give her water I don't

know what happens.

- Give me this water.

- See? She's addicted. She's

addicted. This is an addict.

I have seen it a

hundred times with her.

You gotta trust me.

You have lost your mind.

And you have lost your water.

So...

I guess we're tied.

I want to be able to talk you

about this kind of thing.

I sense that. That's obvious.

I just don't know why.

You talk to me about chicks

you screw all the time.

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