Sleepwalk with Me Page #8

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Things are fine.

Yeah, well, I just got

an E-ZPass bill for $563.

Are you using my goddamn car

to cruise around the country?

No, I'm not cruising, Dad.

What are you talking about?

I don't think

that car can take it.

I think you either got

to settle down or get a new car.

Ll got to go.

Matthew, one more thing.

I'm gonna email

the photo to you.

- No, I got to go, Mom.

- I sent it.

God damn it!

Isolate the coordinates.

Yes, sir.

Bearing mark 2-1 -1 -3,

latitude 46 degrees north

and longitude 118 west.

What's going on?

We're currently tracking

a guided missile

that's headed

straight for this room.

Just tell me this.

What's the plan?

Well, Matt, it looks like

you don't have one.

I think you need a little

goddamn reality testing.

There's one more thing.

The missile coordinates

are set specifically on you.

What's gonna happen

to these people?

It doesn't look good, Matt.

Warning.

12, 11...

. Okay!

10, 9, 8...

I just saw a guyjump out

the window screaming.

I mean, is anybody gonna do

anything?

MY God!

Hello.

I'm staying at the hotel.

I had an incident wherein

ljumped out my window,

and I'm bleeding,

and I need to go

to the hospital.

All right.

What's painful about jumping out

a second-story window

isn't actually

the jumping part.

It's when they start to pick

the glass out of your legs.

This glass was right near

your femoral artery.

If you'd have hit that,

you'd have bled to death.

You should be dead.

No, you should.

I zinged him...

Because I'm a comedian.

I don't think that

we should be getting married.

L-and I...

I knew I wasn't ready,

and I should've said it but...

I just think

I should be on my own.

You're right.

We shouldn't

be getting married.

How long have you

felt like that?

When I was getting ready

to make this film,

I was obsessing over

my relationship with Abby

and what went wrong

and why she stayed with me,

you know, all these years.

And so I went to visit her.

She lives upstate

with her husband and two kids.

And, you know,

I called in advance.

You know, I didn't just show up

and say, like,

"I'm your ex-boyfriend,

and I want answers."

You know?

I know that that's probably

not the best thing to do.

And so I-you know,

we're friends,

and so I went

and visited her and...

and we're having tea,

and, like, her kids

are running around,

and I said to her-I was like,

"Why did you stay with me

all those years

when you knew

that we were doomed?"

And she said...

"I didn't want to hurt you."

Can you believe that?

We almost spent the entire

rest of our lives together

because we didn't want

to make the other person mad.

I'm gonna tell you a story

tonight, and it's true.

And I always have to tell people

that because inevitably...

And I would say, "Abby!"

There's a jackal in the room!"

We went to my sister Janet's

wedding.

Now, if you're ever

in a relationship

that seems to be moving

towards marriage

and you're not ready for it

to go in that direction,

don't go

to my sister Janet's wedding.

As my anxiety about

my relationship got worse,

my sleepwalking got worse.

The window was closed,

so I jumped through a window

like The Hulk.

I did what I should have done

in the first place

when I saw the jackal,

when I was in

the DustBuster Olympics.

I went to a doctor who

specializes in sleep disorders.

I was diagnosed

with REM Behavior Disorder.

And so now when I go to bed

at night,

I turn off the news,

the phone, and the internet.

I take medication,

and I sleep in a sleeping bag

up to my neck.

And I wear mittens...

So I can't open

the sleeping bag.

Please welcome to the stage,

Matt Pandamiglio.

A lot of times,

people will come up to me,

and they ask me, you know,

like, "Are you cured?"

And I say, "No."

But I think that's okay.

J'J'.

J' I've been waiting

for a sign J'

J' I've been waiting

for a sin J'

J' To tell me where J'

J' Tell me where J'

J' I belong J'

J' And you've been waiting

for the niht J'

J' You've been waiting

for the night J'

J' To take you far J'

J' Take you far away from me J'

J' Now, now, now, now,

now, now, now J'

J' Who, who, who, who J'

J' Now, now, now, now,

now, now, now J'

J' Who, who, who, who J'

J'J'.

J' I've been waiting

for a sin J'

J' To tell me where J'

J' Tell me where J'

J' Where I belong J'

J" And you've been waiting

for the night J'

J' You've been waiting

for the night J'

J' To take you far J'

J' Take you far away

from here J'

J' Now, now, now, now,

now, now, now J'

J' Who, who, who, who J'

J' Now, now, now, now,

now, now, now J'

J' Who, who, who, who J'

J' And as I'm waiting

on your doorstep now J'

J' I notice patterns

in the paint J'

J' I'm wondering how

the glass will hit J'

J' When I J'

J' As I turn and go in shame J'

J' Now, now, now, now,

now, now, now J'

J'J'.

J' There's a spot

on your body J'

J' And it caused all the boys J'

J' Follow your eyes

and get lost J'

J'J'.

J' You'll swear

to your family J'

J' Family and friends J'

J' Why, it was just yesterday J'

J' Just swear to your family J'

J' Family and friends J'

J' Why, it was just yesterday J'

J'J'.

J' If every man's

a photographer J'

J' Then smile

and hold up your head J'

J' Give him one of your

long batty looks J'

J' Before he climb on

into your bed J'

J'J'.

J' And you'll swear

to your family J'

J' Family and friends J'

J' Why, it was just yesterday J'

J' Just swear to your family J'

J' Family and friends J'

J' Why, it was just yesterday J'

J'J'.

IMmmJ'

J' Mmm, mm-mm, mmm J'

J'J'

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