Sleepwalk with Me Page #7

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sharing our load J'

J' Side by side J'

J' Through all kinds of weather J'

J' But if the sky should fall J'

J' As long as we're together J'

J' Doesn't matter at all J'

J' When they've all had

their quarrels and parted J'

Yeah!

J' We'll be the same

as we started J'

J' While travelin' along,

singin' our song J'

J' Side by side J'

Matt, come back to bed.

We're gonna do the drill.

No, thank you.

I can't come in there anymore.

Matt, come back to bed.

No, I said, "No, thank you."

Matt, you got to call

the doctor today.

I will. I will.

I'm sorry.

L-I promise.

What are you doing?

I'm writing it on your hand.

The Promise of Sleep

by Dr. William C. Dement.

During their entire lifetime,

people...

My dad got me a book called

The Promise of Sleep.

His four basic tips

for helping you sleep,

they all have to do

with powering down

a few hours before bed,

turning off the news

and the internet and the phone,

and don't eat big meals,

which just so happen

to be my four favorite

activities before bed.

I'm completely addicted

to cable news.

I think it's 'cause

they hook you in

with the laser sound effects

and questions you couldn't

possibly know the answers to.

They'll be like, "Puh-choo!"

Do you know

what's in your soup?"

And I'm like, "My God."

"I guess I don't know

what's in my soup.

"I got to stick around.

"I thought maybe broth,

but I wasn't 100%.

"What is this,

a commercial for Toyota?

"All right, I'll watch this,

just as long as you tell me

what's in my soup."

And then they'll be like,

"Puh-choo, it's broth."

I'm like, "I knew it."

I knew it was broth,

but I wasn't 100%."

And I've been sleepwalking.

I walk in my sleep and...

Sleepwalking

is a terrifying phenomenon

when you think about it

'cause it's your body

making a decision

that's distinctly different

than your conscious mind.

Your conscious mind is like,

"We're gonna rest

for a few hours."

And your body's like,

"We're going skiing!"

I should see a doctor, really,

'cause it's gotten

pretty serious,

but I don't really want

to see a doctor, you know,

because sleep disorders,

they involve your brain.

And the list of fun

brain diseases is very short,

you know,

if you're ever surfing WebMD.

I got booked

at nine colleges in seven days.

I was performing across Ohio,

in Pennsylvania, in Delaware,

Washington, D.C.,

North Carolina.

There are 78 known

sleep disorders,

things that range

from sleep apnea

to night terrors to narcolepsy.

Narcolepsy is terrifying

'cause there are people

who fall asleep

at any time for any reason.

There are female narcoleptics

who fall asleep

the moment they reach orgasm.

I was thinking you could call

these women "men."

And while I went on the road,

Abby started preparing

for our wedding

for months and months,

working on

very specific things:

Locations, dresses, caterers.

I knew this wasn't gonna happen,

but I couldn't say it.

Where is he?

He's in Philadelphia.

Playing a club

called The Joke Barn.

You're kidding me.

The Joke Barn?

I don't really know

what to think anymore.

They're having you perform

in the center

of a walkathon for lupus.

Seven shows in a week.

I really appreciate it,

Colleen,

but right now I'm just...

you know, I don't think

I should be driving that far.

I mean, that's, like,

Well, I got a lot of guys,

Matt.

I'd be glad to take you off

the speed dial.

No, no, I can do it.

I can do it.

I just-yeah, no, it's fine.

It's fine.

. Okay...

Thanks, Colleen.

Thanks.

Police have a suspect

in custody,

but they're not releasing

any information

until they complete

their investigation.

I hear you're good at taking

the bullet for other comedians.

J "J"

HEY...

You okay?

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Here we have some of

the heavier cardstock options.

It's beautiful.

Beautiful.

And when are you

sending these out?

Right.

Well, the invitation

would go out June 15th.

June 15th.

And then the wedding

will be August 22nd.

I guess.

You guess?

If you're gonna get married,

dean

you have to be running down

the aisle.

Yeah, no, I know.

It'sit's a lot of decisions.

- I understand.

- It's fine.

Here.

This is one of my favorites.

You'll notice how...

The Promise of Sleep,

by me, Dr. William C. Dement.

What are you doing in my car?

I'm not really here.

You're just exhausted.

Is your name

actually Dr. Dement?

Surely is.

I feel like if I were

a sleep physician,

I'd want to go with

a more soothing name

like Dr. HappysleeP,

Dr. Chamomile Tea.

Can we please begin?

Yeah. Sorry.

Sorry.

Chapter Four,

The Promise of Sleep.

We sleep more than 200,000 hours

during a lifetime.

That's the equivalent

of 8,000 days.

In spite of all the research,

we know very little...

Okay. Go ahead.

Well, is there like a...

ls there a chapter

on sleep disorders?

Let me skip ahead.

Chapter Nine, Sleep Disorders.

There's sleep walking,

sleep talking,

eating while you're asleep.

But one of the most serious

of the many sleep disorders

is REM Behavior Disorder.

People who have

REM Behavior Disorder

actually act out the dream

they are having.

In REM Behavior Disorder,

people are often running away

from some kind of demon

or wild animal.

In rare instances,

people with this sleep disorder

have actually gone so far

as to kill the person

they're sleeping with

while they're asleep.

Wait. What?

In rare instances,

people with this sleep disorder

have actually gone so far

as to kill the person

they're sleeping with...

While remaining asleep.

Almost nothing is known

about it

and almost nothing can be done.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Matthew.

Where are you?

I'ml'm in Maryland.

I'm staying at La Quinta Inn.

No, you mean La "Keen-tah."

No, I think it's La Quinta.

Welcome to La Keen-tah Inn.

Thanks.

Told you.

Is Abby with you

at La Quinta Inn?

No, she's at home.

I have to tell you,

she sent us a photo

of the dress.

Have you seen it?

No. No, I-sorry.

You're fine.

Great pool here, huh?

I just checked in.

I don't really know.

It's open, like, 2417.

Sorry. Right.

Waffle bar's awesome too.

I'm not gonna tell you

about this.

Okay, Mom.

- Right?

- Right.

Right, I mean-but I could

tell you, but I shouldn't.

No, I know.

On the other hand,

I just don't think

it would be so bad

if I just described...

I mean, a little description

won't really ruin the effect.

Okay, well, let me tell you

about the dress.

It's off-white and very bosomy,

which I know that you like.

Linda, are you telling him

about the wedding dress?

I'mno, just giving him

a little bit-little...

God damn it.

You're not supposed

to let the groom

know about the dress.

Well, I don't think a little

tease will hurt, really.

Give me the phone.

Give me the...

Why did you have

to bring that up to him?

Because I thought

he would enjoy it.

Hey, look, hey, Matthew,

where the hell are you, anyway?

Are you all right?

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