Sleuth Page #6

- I can't, no.

- No.

- You're a married man, aren't you?

- Yeah, been married 13 years.

It was love at first sight.

- Very moving.

- Yeah.

And we're still in love.

Like two peas in a pod.

Someone told me

your wife has a lover.

- She has, yeah.

- Do you know him?

No, I've never met him.

He's some sort of Italian.

Called Tandoori or something.

One of the Bombay Tandooris?

You've got it, yeah.

You know something? I've never met

an artistic burglar before.

That's fantastic.

- What's your background?

- Me?

- You.

- Irish. Connemara.

Spanish descent.

By way of Uganda.

My grandparents were slaves.

My mother was a dark-eyed,

dusky beauty.

- Were you breastfed?

- Oh, sure, like a baby.

Shall I tell you what I want you to do

with these jewels?

What?

You look so charming.

How do you want it?

Like this?

Or shorter?

How about this?

Or even shorter like a halter?

- You're hurting me.

- Oh, am I hurting you?

- Yes. Don't hurt me.

- Are you sensitive to pain?

Very. Very.

I wouldn't want to hurt you,

sweetheart.

You're too much fun.

- Am I really?

- Oh, yes. You're wicked.

I like that. Yeah.

Do you know something?

I don't think

these earrings really suit me.

You're right. Take them off.

I don't...

I don't think this bracelet

is really my style either.

But the necklace is nice.

I'm not totally sure.

Listen, you can play with these jewels

until the cows come home.

They're yours.

Do what you like with them.

But I thought you'd just stolen them.

No, no! It was a game!

It was just a game!

I thought it might amuse you.

Well...

Aren't you the wicked one?

You remember what I said?

You won the first set, 6-love.

I was 3-love up in the second.

Well, now it's one set all.

But who's going to win the third set?

Remains to be seen.

You like games, don't you?

Some. Not all.

But you like being in charge...

...of the game?

Oh, yes. Sure.

I like a man who wants

to be in charge of things.

- Do you?

- Yes, I do.

Listen, you've met my wife, I think.

I have met her. Yes.

- Did she say if she had a husband?

- Yes.

Yeah, she said she had a husband.

How did she describe him?

Remote. Cold.

Malevolent. Spiteful.

Arrogant. Ruthless.

Jealous. Paranoid.

Criminal tendencies.

Mentally unsound.

That's me, all right.

You know something?

I like your mind.

- Do you really?

- It excites me.

I like the way you go about things.

You mean you like my style?

Oh, I like your style.

I like it very much.

Look, I want to

make you a proposition.

What?

I want to show you something.

- Can't you put that gun down now?

- No.

God, you're so strong, so ruthless,

aren't you?

Yes.

Have you any idea

what my proposition is going to be?

- No.

- Are you excited?

I'd say intrigued.

I think you're going to be excited

very much.

This is the guest suite.

Isn't it nice? Look at the view.

There's a private bathroom.

A small fridge.

A bottle of Chilean Chardonnay

is chilling in there at this very moment.

This suite is uninhabited.

It has no occupant.

How would you like it?

Me?

Yes, yes.

I think I've come to the conclusion

that you're my kind of person.

Am I, now?

Well, I told you.

I liked your mind. It excited me.

I need intellectual excitement.

Intellectual stimulation.

Well, they don't grow on trees.

I'm a rich man.

What do you want to do?

I can subsidize anything you want.

You want to open a bookshop

in the village?

An art gallery?

Or, of course, a little theater.

You're a wonderful actor.

You could choose all the plays

and play all the leading parts.

But this would be your home.

And this would be your bedroom.

You're asking me to live here?

Yes, I'm asking you to stay with me.

Oh, we would also travel.

I mean, Jamaica, Swiss Alps.

I bet you're a wonderful skier,

aren't you?

You could ski

to your heart's content.

Swim in the blue Caribbean.

I'd be waiting at our table

with a Scotch on the rocks.

Or a chilled Chilean Chardonnay.

The world would be your oyster.

But what about Maggie?

Forget her.

Let her rot.

Stay with me.

You're my kind of person.

It's quite tempting.

Hello?

Hi.

It's going okay.

We're still talking.

We're on the right track.

It's all going okay.

Don't come down.

That would be a mistake.

It's all going fine.

I love you too.

I am.

I'm kissing you.

Oh, yes.

I can taste your mouth.

What the hell did she want?

She wants that divorce.

What about my proposition?

Well, I like the idea of Jamaica.

- What about Barbados?

- Well, and Barbados, and Antigua.

Yeah, it's true. There's so many

places I haven't seen.

Hollywood. Saint Petersburg.

The Cte d'Azur, Coney Island.

And I hear there's that wonderful hotel

in Scotland called Balmoral.

- That's where the queen lives.

- So bed and breakfast is out.

- It's on if you know the queen.

- I don't.

I do.

That's fantastic.

But seriously, though.

We could have

such a wonderful time together.

Venice? Disneyland?

Whatever you want.

Whatever you want.

Whoever you want.

I could introduce you

to whoever you want.

Kissinger? Dick Cheney?

Madonna? Mike Tyson?

- Yes.

- Yes?

I must say, that as offers go...

...it's quite tempting.

You're a naughty tempter,

aren't you?

I'm so glad you like my mind.

Not many people like my mind.

Quite a few people like my body...

...but I can't think of anyone

who likes my mind.

That makes you unique.

But then, of course,

you know what they say.

The mind is the body.

Is that what they say?

Somebody said something like it once.

Bullshit, of course. Anyway...

Perhaps I am your sort of person.

Who knows?

But you would have

to be very nice to me.

For instance,

just at this moment, I need a drink.

You can get your own drink.

No, you get it for me

and I might be nice to you.

- Nice to me?

- That's what I said.

Whisky, please.

Can't deny, I can be

quite a congenial companion.

I really... I can't deny it.

I could be quite a witty companion.

Would you like a witty companion?

- Very much.

- I'm particularly witty in the morning.

Would that suit you?

Some people hate wit in the morning.

What about you?

I love wit in the morning.

Over boiled eggs?

Do you like eggs?

Absolutely.

I'm a dab hand in the kitchen.

But you have to be nice to me

and get me a drink when I ask for it.

You see?

You can be really sweet...

...when you put your mind to it.

Cheers.

Listen, I can see what you're saying.

I can see why

you're inviting me to live with you.

I can see that you're lonely.

That you need looking after.

It's obvious.

You need someone

who would cater for your every whim.

Don't you?

I do.

Hello? Darling.

What?

Oh, is that so?

Are you?

I see.

Are you sure?

I see.

I got it.

I told you I got it. I understand.

Okay.

- Okay, I'll tell him.

- Tell me what?

- That she loves you.

- Is that so?

- What else did she say?

- Nothing.

- Nothing?

- Nothing.

Listen, for chrissake,

make up your mind.

I'm offering you something special.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote