Sleuth Page #5

- You mean like in sexual intercourse?

Yes, the old one-two.

In like a lion, out like a lamb.

I must say, you have

a great gift for language.

Did you learn it at school?

The hard school. Family life.

- But you keep cheerful.

- You've got it, I keep cheerful.

I've got an optimistic nature.

You got to when you're a policeman.

Otherwise, you'd go mad.

No, I'll tell you

what keeps me going.

The chase. The thrill of the hunt

and the sudden shafts of bright light.

For instance,

when I was talking to your wife...

Very attractive woman.

Wonderful legs.

She was crossing them at the time,

I remember.

She suddenly said

you had a murderous nature.

Now, that really

made my nose twitch.

Itch?

Twitch, mate.

Twitch.

So I'm looking at you

and I'm wondering...

...what have you done

with the body?

Where's the body?

Come on, I need to know.

Where's the body?

What have you done with the body?

There's no body.

Don't f*** about!

Don't bullshit me.

I won't stand for it.

Where is it?

In the house or did you shift it?

There is no body!

Here, look at this.

You got holes in your walls.

They're bullet holes.

Live bullet holes.

I fired two live bullets

to set up the trick...

...and one blank to complete it.

It was a game, I told you.

I played it to the hilt.

It's not worth playing

unless you play it to the hilt.

- The third shot was a blank?

- That's right.

- What's that?

- What?

Blood. Dried blood!

Some of it's not even dried.

It's still damp.

- That's impossible.

- That's blood, chum.

- Whose blood is it?

- It's impossible.

It was a game. It was a blank.

No, it was a game

with real bullets and real blood.

This is a carve-up.

Let's see what else

is new around here.

Hello, what's this?

We've got a shirt, jacket and trousers

in the back of your cupboard.

Very negligent of you, mate,

unless they're not yours.

No, I don't think they're yours.

I think they belong to Tindle.

You say he left the house

after you shot him.

- Yes.

- Naked?

I don't know how those got there.

So you made him strip

before you shot him?

Part of the humiliation, was it?

No. The thing is this.

It might have started as a game,

but it got out of hand.

The third shot was live!

It killed him. So where's the body?

I didn't kill him! He's alive!

Bollocks. You're a joker, all right.

A real joker.

Come on, we're off to the station.

- There's something very wrong here.

- Hey, dead right.

I'll tell you what you are.

You're f***ed.

Jesus Christ.

Don't struggle, chum.

I'll have you for breakfast.

There's something wrong here.

You're up sh*t creek, Wyke.

You're up sh*t creek without a paddle.

Look at you. All aquiver.

Who's the dead duck?

Jesus Christ.

You're the dead duck.

I just sucked you in

and blew you out in little bubbles.

- It's you.

- It's me, all right.

You bastard. You stinking bastard.

Just a little game, Andrew.

- Just a little game.

- You sh*t.

- I thought it might amuse you.

- You're a total sh*t.

I know I am.

- But you're also a genius.

- I know that too.

When did you do this?

The clothes in the wardrobe?

- The blood?

- The blood belongs to a pig's liver.

But when did you do it?

How did you do it?

I did it last night. I used that ladder.

I heard you snoring.

Does Maggie know about this?

Your detective, was it her idea?

- How much does she know?

- She knows nothing about it.

Entirely my own idea.

This is a game between us, old boy.

Between you and me.

Don't forget, I'm half Italian.

We go in for revenge.

After all, you frightened

the life out of me deliberately.

You fired two live bullets

into the wall...

...and then you pointed

the gun at me.

And then you fired.

I don't like guns.

They kill you.

Okay.

So, what does this make the score?

You've had your revenge.

So, what do you reckon?

One set all?

No, no, you're way ahead.

I only teased you with my inspector,

gave you a few goose pimples.

But you frightened me to death.

Did you really think

I was going to kill you?

You fainted, you see.

It was a blank.

I may be three games up

in the second set.

If I had killed you...

...I'd have to bury the body

in the garden or somewhere.

Too exhausting.

But you won the first, 6-love.

So we're a long way

from one set all.

By the way, I spoke to Maggie.

I told her all about you.

She loved it.

Loved what?

That I frightened the life out of you.

That you pissed your pants.

And that you actually fainted.

She said to me,

"You mean he actually fainted?"

I said, "Dead out,

he was scared shitless.

Went out like a light. "

She laughed so much,

I thought she was gonna burst.

Oh, incidentally,

she's coming back to me.

Oh, is she?

Yes, that's right.

You know what she said about you?

What?

She said:

"Faint heart never won fair lady. "

Is that a fact?

Yeah.

Listen, I want to

show you something.

Go into your study and sit down.

Go into my study?

And sit down.

- What are you doing?

- It's late at night.

You're reading a book under a lamp.

Read something.

- What's going on?

- Read a book.

It's late at night.

You're reading a book.

You hear something. You look up.

It's me jumping off the ladder.

You see me with this gun.

You're caught like a rat in a trap.

You stare at the gun, you're paralyzed.

I've come for the jewels.

- Where is the safe?

- What jewels?

The jewels. Where's the safe?

- You know where it is.

- I don't.

- You don't?

- Don't f*** me about, I mean it.

Get up.

You think this gun isn't real?

Where is it?

- Upstairs.

- Well, let's go upstairs.

Get up these stairs

or I'll ram this gun right up your ass.

- The safe is behind the fish tank.

- How am I gonna get to it?

Well, you press the button

and the button moves the tank.

Then press it.

It's not working. It's out of ord...

Are you a maniac? You're crazy.

- Open it.

- I changed the combination yesterday.

- What is it?

- I forgot. I can't remember.

- Remember.

- It's the truth. I can't remember.

Remember!

What are you doing?

What are you gonna do?

I've broken into your house because

I know you have jewels in a safe.

I have inside information.

I want them.

Remember the combination

and open it.

It was a blank.

The next one's real.

There's a good boy.

So, what are you writing

at the moment?

What am I writing?

Yes, I'm very interested in literature.

Do you mind if I have a drink?

Sure. It's your house.

I'm always interested

in the people I rob.

Like I'm always interested

in the husbands of the wives I f***.

Are you really?

Well, well.

Cheers.

So, what are you writing?

It's the story of a pathological killer.

- I call it The Smiling Man.

- Does he come to a bad end?

He dies during the act of love.

Like countless others.

Countless others, eh?

I can see you've researched

the subject thoroughly.

- What subject?

- Death in orgasm.

Isn't that a beautiful notion?

To die in the arms of your beloved.

Can you imagine

anything more poignant?

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