Sleuth Page #4

You know what God's trouble is?

- What?

- He has no father.

He has no family roots.

He's rootless.

Nowhere to hang his hat,

poor bugger. I pity him.

That's a very interesting

philosophical speculation.

Wait a minute.

Aren't you a well-known detective?

No.

Not me, mate.

You're thinking of another bloke.

Haven't I seen your picture

in the newspaper?

Do you want to know

my opinion of the newspapers?

What?

Journalists are a bunch

of prick-teasing cocksuckers.

No.

That's right.

I'm sorry, but isn't that

a contradiction in terms?

Is it?

So you're not well-known?

No, I'm a common-or-garden copper.

I just catch sex criminals, perverts...

...homicidal maniacs.

And what do you do with them

when you catch them?

I generally cut their balls off.

I see.

So how can I help you?

Yes, I think you can help me.

I think you can.

How?

I'm looking into a disappearance.

Disappearance?

Man called Tindle. Milo Tindle.

Sorry, I didn't get the name.

What was it?

Tindle.

Tindle. Tindle...

What about him?

Do you know him?

Know him? Absolutely not.

- You mean you've never met him?

- Never.

Never even heard of him.

- That's funny.

- Why?

Well, he was staying

at the Red Lion in the village...

...where he mentioned

to the landlord...

...he was coming to see you

three nights ago.

He hasn't been seen since.

His bag is still in his room,

shaving kit, all that.

He was coming to see me?

That's right.

He mentioned it to the landlord?

Why would he mention such a thing

to the landlord?

Well, you're a famous writer

and you're well known in the district.

So how can you help me on this?

No one came to see me.

I've no idea who this man is.

And I know no one called Tindle.

You don't, eh?

What are you? A joker?

What do you mean?

I mean you're pretty quick

on your feet.

You should have been

a ballet dancer.

I can just see you doing pirouettes.

- Ever worn a pair of tights?

- Not me.

They'd suit you.

Nice house.

Thanks.

- Design it yourself?

- It's 18th-century.

No, no, I meant this. The inside.

That was my wife.

Oh, your wife.

Is she here, by the way?

No.

Popped up to London?

She's not here.

She's an interior decorator, then?

Something like that.

It's a great gift, isn't it?

You're a lucky man.

You got an ashtray?

I'm ready for another beer.

A man was passing your house

three nights ago.

He said he heard shots.

Passed my house?

How could he do that?

It's private property.

He were taking a shortcut.

I think he's a poacher.

Anyway, says he heard shots.

What kind of shots?

Gunshots.

- Fantasy.

- Really?

Bullshit. Codswallop.

Who is this man?

Are you sure he exists?

Oh, he exists, all right.

By the way, cheers.

Cheers.

I do want to ask you

one more question.

Ask.

You do know your wife's

living in London with another man?

That is my business.

My private life is my business.

Do you know the name of this man?

Why should I answer

these questions?

You don't have to,

but you'd be better off if you did.

I don't know the man's name.

I never asked.

So you do admit that your wife's

living in London with another man?

Yes. Yes.

So what?

Well, I can tell you the man's name.

It's Tindle.

Milo Tindle.

- Is it?

- Yeah.

The bloke who's disappeared.

The bloke who said

he was coming to see you.

We found this note in his room.

At the pub.

"I look forward to meeting you.

Come to the house Friday, 6:30.

Wyke. "

Is this your handwriting?

- It is.

- Do you remember writing this note?

How could I forget?

You forgot earlier.

You said you didn't know him.

You said you'd never met him.

I was lying.

Lying to the police.

That will get you nowhere.

I don't understand you,

mate, honest.

You're a clever man.

You write clever books.

But you've made a balls-up

of this one, haven't you?

Have I?

Tindle came to see you

three nights ago.

- I knew him as Tindolini.

- Oh, I see.

- He had an Italian father.

- Get away.

A traditional

Italian hairdressing family.

- Is he a hairdresser himself?

- I think he is.

He didn't come all the way here

to do your hair, did he?

Not at all, not at all.

So, what did you two do

when you got together?

We played a game.

- A game?

- A game with a knife and a gun.

- A lethal game?

- No.

Just a bit of fun, that's all.

Okay, a bit of fun.

So he came to see you.

You played a game

with a knife and a gun.

Three shots were fired,

then he disappeared.

So where is he?

- Probably cuddling my wife.

- That's the one thing he's not doing.

- How do you know?

- I've seen her.

He was nowhere in sight.

No. She's an anxious woman.

She knew he was coming

to see you, you see.

In fact, she insisted

that he come to see you...

...as I know you know.

She thinks you may have killed him.

She thinks you're round the bend.

She thinks

you're a very dangerous man.

Me? She's joking.

So tell me, between ourselves...

...did you kill him?

I'll tell you exactly what I did.

I pretended to kill him.

I shot him with a blank.

I frightened the sh*t out of him.

Your man was right.

Your spy, whoever he was.

There were three shots.

The first two were real.

The third one was blank.

He was terrified.

When I shot him, he fainted.

When he came round

I gave him a drink, pat on the bum...

...he left the house, his tail, if you

want to call it that, between his legs.

And I haven't seen him since.

You gave him a pat on the bum?

Metaphorically.

You gave him

a metaphorical pat on the bum?

- Sure.

- How did he take it?

- What?

- The pat.

He was fine. He told me that

it was game, set and match to me.

So this guy had a sense of humor,

is that what you're saying?

Oh, yes. He left the house

with a twinkle in his eye.

So tell me,

what was the point of all this?

Humiliation.

It's nice to see your wife's lover...

...a shivering, frightened,

f***ing wreck in front of you.

As a matter of fact, I liked him.

I thought he was attractive.

I thought we could have

become good friends.

The shortest way to a man's heart,

as I'm sure you know, is humiliation.

It binds you together.

You found him attractive?

I put myself in my wife's shoes,

in a manner of speaking.

I was trying to find out

what attracted her to him.

- And did you?

- Oh, yes.

He was really terribly sweet.

- I could see why she fancied him.

- I could see why he fancies her.

- Really?

- Found her very tasty myself.

- Is that so?

- Oh, yes.

Sumptuous. Ready for action.

I mean,

I'm an experienced detective.

So guess what I detected.

What?

That she's in love

with her own body.

Makes her dizzy with excitement.

You detected all this

in five minutes?

Well, 35. Perhaps even 45.

Well, let's call it 55

or even a little bit longer.

You stayed for tea?

And cakes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Must be funny for you to know...

...your own wife's getting a going-over

from another man on a regular basis.

Going-over? I don't follow.

You don't?

Not a phrase I'm familiar with.

- Means being f***ed.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote