Small Time Page #5

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be a little big for you two.

You two are meant

for each other.

You like the car, huh?

Can I get your number?

Papito!

Mi amor.

Ma'am, if you

buy this car today,

I am gonna throw

in an 8 by 10 color glossy

of my partner, Al,

sitting by the pool

in a Speedo at Caesar's Palace.

And if you don't

buy this car today,

same photo, same Speedo

on my good friend, Ash.

And trust me,

you don't want that.

Same Speedo?

Really?

This one just came in.

Classic, all right?

Are you hungry?

We got, uh, the grill going.

Cool.

Awesome.

Yeah.

Ah.

Well, what do you think?

I like it.

I'm-I'm just not...

Just not what?

I just don't think I'm ready

to buy this truck today.

Well, why not?

I just think I need to think

about it a little more.

You know,

that's probably a good idea.

Oh.

This is a big decision.

You shouldn't buy anything

unless you're absolutely ready.

Well, thank you

for your time young man.

You're welcome, ma'am.

It was very nice meeting you.

It's too bad you're gonna

miss our offer, though.

What um, what-what

offer is that?

Well, we're giving away

a free George Forman Grill

with every car

we sell today.

What model?

Black or platinum?

Platinum, of course.

Okay.

Okay.

Let's do it.

I'll go start up

the paperwork.

I did it!

I did it!

I totally did it.

Congratulations, punk.

You popped your cherry.

Woo!

One, two, three, ooh!

Ooh!

Look at that stinky mess.

This is just to show you

that I don't care

what you're doing.

All right.

And three.

All right, come on I'm in.

Ooh.

How's uh, the shiksa,

the one that works here?

- What's her name again?

- Uh, you mean Gail?

Yeah.

I don't know.

She's fine. Why?

Have you given her

the high hard one yet?

Am I giving her

the high hard-

What is high hard one?

Am I banging her?

Yes, it means banging her.

Why do you say

"the high hard one"?

Check.

- Hey. Hey.

- What do you got?

It's the shtarker!

Uh, this one got pooped on.

Should I...?

- So it looks better.

- You sh*t on that sign again?

Oh, sorry.

You want me to throw it out?

No.

You clean it.

It's bird sh*t.

Hey, kid, congratulations.

Old man said

you made your first sale.

Hey,

you're on your way, pal.

Hey, yeah.

Just remember one thing.

People are sh*t.

- Hm.

- Yeah, that's words to live by.

- Remember that.

- Remember that.

That's wisdom.

That's wisdom.

The only job my son

wants is a blow job.

Freddy wants a blow job, too.

Lennie, blow him.

In a minute.

In a minute.

I'm out.

- All right.

- Ahh.

In five.

- See you, boys.

- Got a lot of red out there.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna take the kid out.

- Where to?

- Where to?

- Casa Rio.

- Ooh!

Bring a rubber.

Kid, just remember

the five Fs,

find 'em, feel 'em,

f*** 'em and forget 'em.

Oh, you idiot.

That's four.

Find 'em...

That's four.

Yeah.

Well what's the fifth?

Finger 'em?

Finger 'em!

I can't believe

you're friends with these guys.

How do you think I feel?

- See you later.

- All right.

Be good.

I fold.

Ooh, you are a class act.

Seriously.

You shouldn't sh*t on that sign,

though, seriously.

Listen

I wanna tell y'all

Something y'all doing but

You just don't

know it, baby

They are doing it

They're doing it

They're doing it

Yes, they are

I see some future

Mrs. Martinis in here tonight.

The kid'll take a ginger ale.

Were you ever married,

Martini?

I was. Yeah.

Yeah.

I was 19, a long time ago.

What happened?

Well, there's this, uh,

this cute little

Irish Catholic girl

in Clint, Michigan,

Joanne McGraw.

We used to live

with her folks.

Her dad would get drunk

every night and try to kill me.

Why?

I don't know.

It's an Irish thing.

They think everyone's

out to screw 'em.

They're a tough sell.

Speaking of which...

- Yeah, cheers.

- Great sell today.

Hey, your dad's proud of you.

So am I.

I think I can do this.

Think you can?

You did it.

You're a closer.

Yeah, baby.

Okay, so um, well what happened

with the Irish lass?

The Irish lass, yeah.

Well, she came home one night

and told me she was in love

with another man.

What?

God.

God?

She became a medical missionary

and went off to Pakistan.

I think she's still there.

Well, so she's like a nun?

Me and Jesus, the only two men

she ever wanted.

And I got to her first.

Ah, you're B.C.

Hm.

Two balls, two strikes.

One in to the win,

up the back it comes.

It's up there, all right.

It's Linda.

Please leave a message

after the beep.

Hey Linnie, it's me.

How are you, sweetie?

It's been a while.

Uh, just thinking about you

and wanted to wish you

a happy birthday.

I know it's not

until next month,

but why wait until the last

minute?

So... Okay, bye.

So she's just sitting there,

you know?

I don't know what's going on.

I think she's gonna

back out, right?

Bam.

She signs the contract,

hands me the check,

I give her the keys.

I swear to god,

Martini, it was like-

Three o'clock.

Hm?

What, this guy?

Not my three o'clock,

your three o'clock.

Much better.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

You ready?

Am I ready?

For what?

We're gonna go talk to them.

They're a little old for me,

don't you think?

But they're not

a little old for me.

But what if they

don't like us?

Their loss.

Should I talk first

or should you?

Just follow my lead.

Ladies?

I just want to let you know

that I'm a big, big fan.

Me too.

Of?

This whole look.

The hair, the dress.

Just...

stunning.

Really?

Yeah.

Wardrobe says

a lot about a person.

And what does

it say about me?

I'm gonna tell you

in a second.

I'm Ash Martini.

This is young Frederick.

Fred is good.

Just call me Fred.

Can we buy you

ladies a drink?

Sure.

You kidding?

All right, yeah.

- Really?

- You all right, there?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fred here

had a really rough day.

Oh.

Yeah, he's a uh,

he's a fireman.

Yeah, he works for

the fire department,

and uh, they just

put out a big,

huge blaze

down on Long Beach.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Fred single-handedly

rescued three.

It was four...

- Four?

- Yeah.

There-there was a baby.

You saved a baby's life?

I was just doing my job.

Wow.

How long have you

been a fireman?

Oh, I don't know,

just over a year now.

You seem so young.

No.

It's the good genes

I guess, you know?

He works out.

- Me too.

- I can tell.

- Can you?

- Yes I can.

Hello?

Oh, hi Al.

Hey Barb.

Everything all right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Everything's fine.

Can I talk to Freddy?

He's not back yet.

Oh.

Yeah, out, out with friends?

Uh, no.

He went out with Martini.

Okay.

Will you tell him I called?

Will do. Bye.

Where did they go?

Casa Rio.

He went to a sleazy

singles bar with Martini?

It's a restaurant, Barb.

No, I know what Casa Rio is.

It's not an appropriate

place for an 18-year-old boy.

Yeah, I'm not gonna

argue with you about it.

If you want to talk to him,

go right ahead.

No. No.

You're right.

I shouldn't interfere.

This whole thing has

just been so hard on me.

I just can't seem to let go.

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