Small Time Crooks Page #10

Synopsis: Dishwasher and small-fry criminal Ray hits on a plan with his partners in crime to re-open a local pizza place and dig through to the bank down the street. As his wife can't cook pizza but does great cookies, that's what they sell. While the no-hope tunnellers get lost underground, the cookie operation really takes off and the team find themselves rich business people. But the other local money isn't quite ready to accept them.
Genre: Comedy, Crime
Director(s): Woody Allen
Production: DreamWorks SKG
  Nominated for 1 Golden Globe. Another 1 win & 3 nominations.
 
IMDB:
6.7
Metacritic:
69
Rotten Tomatoes:
66%
PG
Year:
2000
94 min
Website
728 Views


- I was gonna make a phone...

I've looked back here,

and downstairs.

- Try back there.

- I'll try that. Thank you.

Oh, Winkler?

- Do you play golf?

- Golf? No.

I was just gonna make

a phone call upstairs.

- I guess I was misdirected.

- Yes, well, I was gonna use the phone.

I'm sorry. I wanted a match on Sunday,

but I'll get somebody else.

I would've looked

forward to it.

There'll be rain over the tristate area

and increasing fog.

Temperatures will hover

in the low 60s till Tuesday.

I must say, you are most amusing.

Would you like a canape?

Those are shrimp.

These are quail eggs.

I don't have any idea

what they are.

Thank you. I hate anything with

a toothpick. They lodge in your throat.

I'm George Blint, mutual funds.

And you?

May Sloan. I'm a lookout.

I noticed the way you walked and

carried yourself from across the room.

You remind me of my wonderful,

departed wife.

You can't carry yourself across

the room. That's physically impossible.

You're charming.

You're the first woman I've met since

Helen died that I could say that about.

Was Helen your wife,

or just a woman who died?

Hi. Where's Mr. Winkler?

I want to talk to him.

Oh, he's around mingling.

Cloudy today, wasn't it? With a chance

of light sprinkles followed by sunshine.

Right. Chi Chi, would you get

those photographs from the bedroom?

I wanna show Mr. Winkler the property in

Aspen where we're gonna build the theater.

Yes. I just wanna talk

to Dr. Henske.

He would be perfect to do

Beth Kramer's face work...

...after the unbelievable job he

did on Mrs. Morton's buttocks.

Oh, I'm gonna be right back.

Will you just...

Ray?

Jesus! You scared me.

For God's sake!

I came to warn you.

Mrs. Potter's gonna come up here...

...to get some pictures

that Mr. Potter wants you to see.

- She's lookin' for you.

- Now, I closed the safe!

This is a tough safe!

I'm outta practice. I can't...

- Did they see you come up here?

- I, I don't think so.

Get out there and stand watch.

I'm gonna do this again.

Are you okay?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

Get out! Get out!

If you could fit it into your schedule,

it would mean so much to Beth.

She's been so down

since the divorce.

And don't you think...

he got custody of the polo ponies.

Chi Chi, don't forget

those photographs for Mr. Winkler.

- Where'd he go?

- I'll get them.

- So, you will try?

- I'll do my best.

Kiss, kiss. Whoops!

Mrs. Potter is coming.

- She's gone.

- Shh, not so loud.

But she's gone. She's gone.

Thank you, dear.

I want to show those to Mr. Winkler.

- He wouldn't leave without saying good-bye,

would he? -I don't know, he's not upstairs.

- Jesus.

- I met a wonderful man downstairs.

He seemed to like me. He said I

reminded him of his wife who's dead.

But I assume he meant

when she was alive.

May, can you stop talking to me

while I'm doing this?

Little short fellow.

Bright yellow shirt, unbelievable tie.

Oh, yes. I think I know

the gentleman you mean.

He was going

up the stairs before.

- Are you sure?

- Yes. Mr. Winkler.

Ray, I hear something.

Oh!

She's not feeling well.

I took her up here.

- Yes, she's had one of her spells.

- Spells?

- Yes, she gets spells. - How extraordinary.

We have a doctor right here.

- No, not necessary. She gets these spells.

- I'm a hemophiliac.

- Oh, dear God! Are you bleeding?

- Why would I be bleeding?

No, she... Her neck.

Wasn't your neck...

It is, but my nasal passages

are clearing up now.

I handle all this. On weekends,

I do this for a little hobby.

- She had champagne.

- Poor darling. I'll go get Dr. Henske.

Really, I'm... Ray, you have

my cortisone pills.

- Me?

- My medication?

I will feel a whole lot better

if I let Dr. Henske take a look at her.

No, no, you just relax, put your

feet up, and I'll go get Dr. Henske.

A hemophiliac? Cortisone? Where

did you come up with these things?

- It's on TV. - The weather's on TV.

I said stay with the weather.

I thought I did some

really quick thinking.

Yes, very quick. Mean while,

you're gonna be examined now.

Why?

I just had a checkup.

Jesus! I got no time to work here.

They'll be back in seconds.

I can't tell the difference

between these.

God! Then you better

take 'em both.

I can't take 'em both. If they come back

and don't find any necklace here...

...we've been suspiciously

seen in the bedroom.

- I'll go right to jail.

- Especially with your D.N.A.

What does my D.N.A. got

to do with it?

You better make a choice,

'cause they're gonna be back any minute.

Ray, let's go!

All I know

is what I told you, Doctor.

She's right in here.

Come along.

Here's Dr. Henske.

Now, what seems

to be the trouble?

False alarm.

It was a hot flash.

I think it was a menopausal thing.

I've seen it before.

- I'm given to occasional spells.

- Spells?

Well, not spells, but, you know,

she was drinkin' booze...

No, no, sometimes for no good reason

I get hot and cold flashes.

The room will begin to spin, then spots

before my eyes, a ringing in my ears.

You're making too much of it.

We should go.

Little pin points of light and my tongue

turns black, and I can't swallow.

- Really?

- They diagnosed it as Parkinson's.

But they think it could be

the Ebola virus or Mad Cow Disease.

We gotta get her out of here because,

you know, it's a false positive.

Come, sweetheart,

we're due, we're due.

I do hope you feel better.

And not to worry, Mr. Winkler, the

theater in Aspen will just have to wait.

The Ebola virus or Mad Cow.

- I just said the first thing that

came into my mouth. - Great.

- I tried to do my best...

- Hello again!

George! Do I still remind you

of your wife?

You kill me.

You're great.

You're not feeling well. I'm taking

her home. She's not feeling well.

I'm in the book. May Sloan.

I'Il, I'll be better.

Oh!

Well, I'll call you.

- Ray, I just got the news about Frenchy.

- Frenchy?

Didn't you hear?

Sunset's gone under.

She was defrauded out of every penny

she owns and then some.

And I know you're out of there,

but I figured you'd know.

Yeah, sure, I do know.

I, I, I...

I came as soon as I heard.

I got exactly what I deserved.

I really missed you, Frenchy.

I'm sorry I blew

our cookie company...

...but I'm even more sorry

I blew our marriage, Ray.

What do you do? Everybody makes

mistakes, you know what I mean?

The important thing is

I still love you.

I don't deserve it.

I behaved badly.

You behaved like an ass, but that's one

of those "A" words you used to practice.

Ass.

But I'm not the easiest guy to

get along with. I'm not Mr. Sensitive.

There's a lot of things

I could've done differently, maybe.

We stayed in separate rooms

the whole trip, Ray. That's the truth.

So where's David now?

- He split the second I went bust.

- No! I don't believe it.

- He was hustling me for the dough. Sure.

- Oh, jeez.

So now we gotta all

begin again, you know.

And in more ways than one.

- You still want me?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes

Woody Allen

Heywood "Woody" Allen is an American actor, comedian, filmmaker, and playwright, whose career spans more than six decades. more…

All Woody Allen scripts | Woody Allen Scripts

4 fans

Submitted on August 05, 2018

Discuss this script with the community:

0 Comments

    Translation

    Translate and read this script in other languages:

    Select another language:

    • - Select -
    • 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
    • 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
    • Español (Spanish)
    • Esperanto (Esperanto)
    • 日本語 (Japanese)
    • Português (Portuguese)
    • Deutsch (German)
    • العربية (Arabic)
    • Français (French)
    • Русский (Russian)
    • ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
    • 한국어 (Korean)
    • עברית (Hebrew)
    • Gaeilge (Irish)
    • Українська (Ukrainian)
    • اردو (Urdu)
    • Magyar (Hungarian)
    • मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
    • Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Italiano (Italian)
    • தமிழ் (Tamil)
    • Türkçe (Turkish)
    • తెలుగు (Telugu)
    • ภาษาไทย (Thai)
    • Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
    • Čeština (Czech)
    • Polski (Polish)
    • Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Românește (Romanian)
    • Nederlands (Dutch)
    • Ελληνικά (Greek)
    • Latinum (Latin)
    • Svenska (Swedish)
    • Dansk (Danish)
    • Suomi (Finnish)
    • فارسی (Persian)
    • ייִדיש (Yiddish)
    • հայերեն (Armenian)
    • Norsk (Norwegian)
    • English (English)

    Citation

    Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:

    Style:MLAChicagoAPA

    "Small Time Crooks" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 19 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/small_time_crooks_18326>.

    We need you!

    Help us build the largest writers community and scripts collection on the web!

    Watch the movie trailer

    Small Time Crooks

    The Studio:

    ScreenWriting Tool

    Write your screenplay and focus on the story with many helpful features.


    Quiz

    Are you a screenwriting master?

    »
    What is "on the nose" dialogue?
    A Dialogue that is poetic and abstract
    B Dialogue that is humorous and witty
    C Dialogue that states the obvious or tells what can be shown
    D Dialogue that is subtle and nuanced