Smart People Page #4

I'm sorry I called you

an arrogant windbag the other night.

You called me a pompous windbag.

So have you heard back yet from any

of the publishers about your book?

Did you ever tell me

where you're from?

Well, how long ago did you send it?

Well, a few weeks ago.

What did your parents do?

- What are you doing?

- What do you mean?

I'm asking you about the book.

Yes, and I'm not taking the bait, am I?

Come on, I'm interested in the book.

It's been rejected by a few publishers.

Actually, it's been rejected

by everyone, so...

Rejection is tough.

It can scar you for life.

But you can rewrite it.

You can, you know,

send it out again, can't you?

It's about time!

That's some real riveting sh*t there.

You Young Republicans

really know how to party.

Bet you guys are a lot of fun

on Friday nights.

I have fun.

You're at a Hitler Youth Rally

the first night of Christmas break.

My fun is just a little more cerebral

than yours.

Come on. When was the last time

you did something bad?

Or subversive? Huh?

Like a normal teenager.

Do you know what you're doing?

Jesus.

I bet you never cheated

or stole anything.

Or jaywalked.

Well, I've smoked pot

with my perverted uncle.

Okay, that was because I coerced you.

You didn't do that of your own volition.

You know what?

You're really in jeopardy of becoming

a 17-year-old robot.

Okay, shut up.

'Cause you really don't know me.

I actually got accepted to Stanford

two weeks ago.

Really? But Carnegie Mellon is free

for you.

And Stanford's, I don't know,

$600-$ 700 a year.

Well, your father is gonna kill you.

But for the time being,

I'm filled with pride.

Come on, little mermaid,

let's go celebrate.

Think older. You'll appear older.

I want you to grab that table.

I'm gonna get a pitcher of beer.

There's too many things I can't afford

So what do you mean when you say

Keep your eye out, there's a guy

over there that used to be a woman.

Out on the town with Grandpa?

F*** off.

- Those seem like nice girls.

- Yeah.

I wouldn't wanna rush you

lose you

Fuss you

But I love love love you

That's disgusting.

That is disgusting.

You must miss your wife.

Sorry, I shouldn't be so direct.

If my wife, Caroline,

were here right now,

she would be telling me

to stop pitying myself.

She was a lovely,

funny, intelligent woman.

And she'd want you to know it.

But she'd also advise me

not to talk about my dead wife

on a date with a beautiful woman.

And she'd be wondering

when I was going to get around

to kissing you.

I wouldn't wanna rush you

lose you

Fuss you

I wouldn't wanna rush you

lose you

Fuss you

But I love love love you

Love love love you

Said I love love love you

Love love love you

What is it like being stupid?

What's it like sitting alone

at lunch every day?

It sucks.

Come with me.

I'm

not used to condoms,

but I thought it went okay.

Very nice.

'Cause I just don't want

to blow it with you.

Do you have any plans for Christmas?

Will you excuse me for a minute?

'Cause my daughter, Vanessa,

makes quite a spread.

I was just paged.

I haven't been up this late in years.

If this were a book

It'd start with a line

I once knew a man

I was his and he was mine

So predictable

So confused

I'm at a loss for words

to explain my mood

I stitch this bow

into the bottom of my dress

Linsey hates me, you know?

Brooke hates me. Everybody hates me.

Well, if you tell people they're

stupid, they'll usually hate you.

And I wasn't completely

congenial when you first came.

You're right.

- But you like me now.

- I like you now.

Vanessa,

come on...

You're adopted. It's not like it's...

Biblical...

You just want to f***

that trashy waitress.

Yeah, that's none of your business.

You're drunk

and you're 17 and you're my niece.

- My shoe.

- Great idea, giving you beer.

Come on.

Hey, you!

Are you drunk?

- Did you get her drunk?

- No.

- She seems drunk.

- She's drunk.

How was your date?

You're a giant toddler.

Mom and Dad

did you absolutely no favors,

allowing you to become

the immature scam artist that you are.

Vanessa, did anyone call me today?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, a telemarketer.

It was a man.

You're acting very desperate.

I got it.

Will you stop avoiding me?

I was drunk.

I'm not avoiding you.

I just need some time alone, please.

Thank you.

Hi, Janet, sorry to leave you

yet another message,

but I realized that you may not have

my phone number,

and that's why you haven't

called me back.

My number is...

Didn't you prove the other night

that you can't hold your alcohol?

I'm having one glass, moron.

And I chose this Beaujolais

specifically to go with the ham.

Neither of you is old enough

to be drinking.

Dude.

Let's all just get drunk.

I need something

to wash down this rubber ham.

Actually, I downloaded the recipe

from the Internet.

I translated it from Old French.

It dates all the way back to Louis XIV.

And he was the one

that actually decided

dishes should be served in courses,

because before that,

it was served as this big pile of food...

Maybe you messed up the translation,

and that's why it tastes like burnt tires.

Well, if you'd like,

I could jam that up your ass for you?

That's enough. Enough.

- Well, this is cheerful.

- Shut up.

Who would think to interrupt

this perfect Christmas dinner?

- Hi.

- Hi.

You're the doctor girlfriend, right?

You're the adopted brother, right?

Well, you don't appear to be boring.

Well, you've just met me.

For all you know, I'm quite boring.

You've presented yourself here,

uninvited and unannounced

for Christmas dinner.

That is not boring. And the cake?

Lexotonin? That's an antidepressant.

I stole it from the break room.

- Am I interrupting anything?

- No, welcome.

We could use a little antivenom

in the snake pit.

Thank you very much.

Move along, thank you.

Hi.

Hi. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

The woman brought a cake.

Hello.

Vanessa!

I'm getting the physician a plate!

My, what a generous portion.

Enjoy.

Well, Vanessa here

is the perfect little housewife.

I mean, daughter.

Yes, if, by perfect, you mean

not retarded/suffering from

insurmountable credit card debt,

then, yes, I am indeed perfect.

Would you two please stop bickering?

These children haven't

been properly parented in many years.

That's why I was brought in.

To ensure that they don't

kill each other.

Merry Christmas.

Please.

"So much depends upon

"a red wheelbarrow..."

William Carlos Williams.

He was a physician.

Yes, I know that.

Many considered him to be an imagist,

but he was really more of a modernist,

eschewing the poetic traditions

of Europe,

in favor of celebrating

everyday circumstances.

But I digress.

I like suburban Pittsburgh

for Christmas.

Yes, it's really glamorous.

You're in the

Paris of Western Pennsylvania.

I'm really glad that you stopped by.

I just saw Dad and the physician

kissing in the den.

I am going to puke.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes