Smartass Page #2

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now you're telling me you

only got half his money, Nick.

Say yes, Donny.

You know I'm good for it.

If you're not cut

out for this sh*t,

go get a job at a carwash.

Will you just take a

minute and just listen

to the words that are comin'

outta your mouth, please?

Look, my guy is a

trust fund surfer.

It'll be fine, just

meet me at the beach

around 10 and I'll

have the rest of it.

Yeah, right, meet at the

beach at 10 because

nothing bad ever happens

at the beach, right?

Donny!

You know, we're up.

I'm fine, right?

I'm fine, f***, I'll do it,

but only f***in'

because it's you.

Come on, buddy, you

gotta eat something.

Can't just survive off

of donuts and drugs.

I drink.

Z, Yoohoo is barely

considered a drink.

You're crazy.

Yoohoo is wizard milk.

It's wizard milk.

I'm getting you a burger

and you're gonna eat it, okay?

Hey!

You're gonna eat it

'cause I love you.

I don't want you

to hook up with Nick.

Ugh, what do you care?

It's just a bad idea.

I care.

I mean, he's cute and I'm

pretty sure he likes me.

Guys like him never like me.

They always like the

douchey California counter

girls of the world.

Not true.

Nope, it's definitely true.

What the f***, Z?

Excuse me, do

you have a warrant?

Zandar Phillips

gave us permission

to search the vehicle, miss.

Zandar, where the

hell are you from?

- He's from Connecticut.

- I know.

Mommy and Daddy Phillips

are gonna be pissed.

Whose is this?

It's mine, actually.

And why do you have it?

It was a prize.

- Prize?

- Mm-hmm.

How old are you?

- No, you're not.

- Yeah, I am.

- No, you're not.

- Yes, I am.

I'm arresting you.

Oh, couldn't resist, could ya?

Freddie.

I'll meet you at the

beach tomorrow, Otto.

And Zandar of Connecticut,

when I get back,

ice cream sundaes for days.

Otto, what are we gonna do?

Don't worry, we're gonna

be best friends in like

two minutes.

Shut up and get in.

See? He likes me already.

What are we gonna tell Nick?

You don't tell him anything.

I'll figure out what to say.

Wait a minute, really?

Really?

B*tch just pops a bunch

of f***in' pills.

I gotta deal with the bullshit.

- Where the f*** do you live?

- Where the f*** do you live?

Where the f*** do I live?

Yes, really.

Well, you know what?

F*** this.

If I can't be asking

f***in' questions,

I see what's going on here.

This is

a collect call from...

Freddie.

I accept.

Freddie?

Hey, Mom.

You're three days late.

Sorry, I thought weekly

was more of a range.

Where are you?

California.

Where exactly?

Um...

I don't know.

How's Hugo?

Sleeping.

It's late.

Sh*t, I'm sorry.

I forgot the time difference.

You know, Courtney had

her sweet 16 last weekend.

Her mother called to see

if you wanted to come.

I told her you were

with your father.

Come on, you're lying.

Courtney's mom would never call.

She hates me.

What the f*** is a sweet 16?

Is that like a fancy name

for a birthday party?

It's an important milestone.

Why?

Is 15 like a year we

celebrate the surviving of?

- Freddie.

- Mother.

Could you just please

wake up Hugo, please?

No.

You want your family,

you come home.

Gosh, for the

millionth time, I told you,

I'm not coming home.

Why are you doing this to me?

Jesus Christ, Freddie, I'm

really worried about you.

I miss you.

Stop worrying, okay?

I'm fine.

Will you just tell

Hugo that I miss him?

I gotta go.

Bye.

Freddie.

Freddie?

Stop.

Okay, stop.

Crying, okay.

Ooh. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

You're lying. There's no way

that she's with Dave.

That guy is a total scumbag.

She didn't go

because of him, man.

Dave's ridin' with Dready Jeff.

You know what kinda

player that cat is.

I still think

you're full of sh*t.

She said she'd meet us at

the beach tomorrow, relax.

What'd he do?

He, um...

Sorry, man.

Whatever.

Get Freddie's bag.

Let's go, debutante.

Ooh, where we going, a ball?

I got your ball.

This amuses you?

No, but if you're

gonna make the effort.

This is a mugshot.

I know.

But my mom always says-

Nobody in here

gives a damn what your

white ass mama says.

Lost your doggone mind.

Turn.

Oh, yeah, who

let the wetbacks out?

Hey!

Step it back, would you?

Oh, come on.

Why am I alone?

'Cause I know it

will annoy you more.

Come on.

What if you forget to feed me?

It happens at the

zoo all the time.

Oh, I wouldn't

worry about that.

Besides, you could afford

to lose a few pounds.

Damn.

Hey, listen, I just,

I was wondering,

are you guys taking bets on

who's gonna win over there?

Because I want in.

My money's on the chicas.

Why is that, cracker baby?

I don't know,

they work harder,

not always late.

You know what happens

if I put you in that cell?

Hmm, we toast marshmallows

and sing a multiracial

version of Kumbaya?

Child, you got your

little privileged ass

arrested in the wrong county

at the wrong time.

Right, there is a good place

to get arrested.

I forgot.

You don't even know, do you?

Why don't you tell me?

Ooh, it'll be like story time.

Hmm, I'm gonna do

better than tell you.

Oh, come on, don't leave now.

Keep playin'.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Just trying to realign

all the blood in my body

so it floods to my brain

so I'm not so bored.

You?

Releasing you, you're OR'd.

What does that mean?

Releasing you on

your own recognizance,

but you have to come back for

your court date, of course.

Of course, yeah.

Why you smiling like that?

Happy for you is all.

Now get the hell outta here

before I change my mind.

Yes, ma'am.

You gotta take her back, man.

No, I will not take a gift back.

- Bad luck.

- Look, I'll leave her here.

It'll be like I

never had her, right?

How bout this,

I can help wake her up

and then

you can discuss it with her.

Okay?

Venice, bring

something for Chuchu.

It's all here?

Where the f*** did she

even come from anyway?

She was my brother's girl,

but you don't have

to worry about that.

The f***er is in the

pen for shooting

some n*gger's head off.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, you f***in'

psycho voodoo bastard.

You're tryin' to

f***in' kill me!

It's like you f***in'

sit there in your chair

with your f***in' cowboy hat on.

You look me in the

eyes and you say,

"I like you, Donny,"

'cause I remember it,

and then you send me

with a lifeless chick

and she's a f***in'

fruit basket.

Donny.

- Shut the f*** up.

- You shut up.

Why don't you both

shut the f*** up?

Relax, my brother's the

least of your worries.

He's as good as dead.

Least of my concerns?

Would you listen to yourself?

You're talkin' about your

own f***in' brother here.

No, no, no, no, absolutely not.

No f***in' way.

My brother was a no good thug.

We reap what we sow.

The f*** does that mean?

Now like I deserve this?

What did I do?

Donny, come here.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, don't start this sh*t again.

Maybe this is a good thing.

When's the last time

you got laid?

Are you f***in' serious?

Yes.

Paolo, you gotta

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