Smokey and the Bandit II Page #4

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- Just to make you feel at home...

I'm gonna throw up a couple of bottles

of prune juice.

We're running with a crazy man.

You know that?

Are you convinced now?

I'm convinced that you is out of bullets.

Bye-bye!

Give me your gun.

Hang onto your ass, Fred. Here we go again.

Why didn't you have your gun loaded?

When I put bullets in it, Daddy,

it gets too heavy.

Shut your ass!

And that goes for the two monks, too.

Do you see him anywhere?

No, but he'll be along,

just like death and taxes.

He didn't get away from me.

I let him escape.

You see, what I'm doing

is playing with him...

like a cat plays with a mouse.

The mouse jumps this way,

and I grab him with my paw.

The mouse jumps that way,

and I grab him with my paw.

And then finally, I squash his ass!

- You're the Bandit, ain't you?

- Yeah.

You're early, cowboy. This is just a practice.

Game isn't till tomorrow.

We're big fans and wanna get good seats.

You with the Dolphins?

No. I'm with the world champion

Pittsburgh Steelers.

- Bradshaw with you?

- Of course.

Coach doesn't let us go anywhere

without him.

Thanks a lot.

- Hi, Bandit, Frog.

- Hi, Terry.

- I need a favour.

- You always do.

- You still got your ranch in Shreveport?

- You bet.

I don't have to tell you who that is.

Buford T. Justice.

- Could you hold him up for a while?

- Be glad to.

- Hey, Joe!

- Yeah?

Tackle that car.

- Thanks, Terry.

- You owe me, Bandit.

Get out of there, you sumbitch...

...or you gonna have a penalty flag

hanging out of your ass!

Really?

- Hey, Daddy, that's--

- Shut up.

I know how to handle these bubble-butts.

If you don't get out of the way,

I'm gonna run right over you.

That's been tried before.

But your possibility for success

is extremely remote.

He's like all the other jocks:

big, but dumb as a stump.

I knew this would happen

as soon as they started that busing sh*t!

Snowman, are you back there, son?

My mirrors are empty...

and so is my fuel tank.

If we don't pull over

and get me some go-go juice...

we gonna be in a heap of trouble.

What do you think?

If you're telling me you're out of gas,

we are in deep sh*t.

Why didn't you fill up?

- See what I see?

- Yes.

My stars, what is that?

I can run over him,

get you an alligator bag.

I don't want one.

- How about a belt?

- No.

- Shoes?

- Nope.

Howdy.

You always this busy?

Hell, yes.

I had three cars and a motor home,

all here at the same time, last April.

- You're kidding?

- Nope.

Of course, that was Easter weekend.

Always picks up around then.

This kind of high-pressure business

will give you ulcers.

This place reminds me of a roadhouse

I knew in Texas, called Hamburger Dan's.

- Ever hear of it?

- Let's cut the sh*t and get down to business.

- I ain't got all day.

- Yeah.

Got any diesel fuel?

If I had any more diesel fuel,

they'd make me join that OPEC.

I'll let you get back to work now.

- I guess you want me to pump it myself.

- If you want any.

Snowman...

you're not gonna believe this.

You're gonna come up on a sign that says:

"Diesel fuel. Last chance. Turn left. "

Roger. Got my 10 hung out in the wind,

looking for your sign.

By the way, when we get there,

do you mind if we check on our passenger?

I ain't heard anything in a while.

Could be in a lot of trouble.

You grip?

- Damn, she ain't right.

- How's Charlotte?

I don't know anything about elephants,

but something's bothering the old girl.

- I wish we could get a hold of a vet.

- Fat chance of that out here.

Hey, anybody in that crapper?

- How does he know whether she's sick?

- I guess he felt her nose.

I'll tell you what it is.

It's just motion sickness--

What would you do

without Snowman?

Why? What'd you do?

- Remember seeing an ambulance come by?

- Is that what that was?

- Inside that ambulance, Miss Carrie--

- Was a vet.

No, it was a doctor.

But we might get him to look at Charlotte.

- Do you reckon?

- I reckon!

- Howdy.

- Buon giorno.

- You a doctor?

- Not yet, but I'm working on it.

I got my green card. My license pending.

Salute! A la bella donna!

- You're Italian?

- Natio.

My name is Dottore Frederico Carlucci.

But you can call me Doc.

Stay.

Swamp fever.

It's no catching.

In Italy we don't have.

You know what I know about swamp fever?

What's your problem?

You know anything about sick ladies?

Plenty. I was the leading gynaecologist

in Pompeii.

Population, 23.

Well, we have a lady

who we think is very sick.

She's back down here in the truck.

Would you mind looking at her?

Well, I'm...

Appreciate it. I know you're eating.

I was just--

I know.

We really appreciate it, though.

Okay. Let me take a look.

Stay.

- Here we go.

- Get your bag.

Doctor, it's very nice of you

to take time out of your busy lunch.

Listen, when somebody's sick,

you gotta stop eating.

That's the Hypocritical Oath.

Doc, there's something we haven't told you

about this patient.

- She's not the normal-size patient. She's...

- Big.

Big? Big don't make no difference.

I got one customer, Anna Maria Teresa.

We call her Two-Tonne Tessie.

She's built like a brick--

Please!

- Remember the Hypocritic Oath.

- The Hypocritic Oath!

- She's a sweet elephant. Come on.

- Very sweet.

No, please.

Mamma mia! When you say big,

you no fool around.

She's bigger than

Two-Tonne Tessie. I tell the truth.

I was gonna take her temperature,

but I need this.

She's so nice. What a beauty!

- Then you can help her?

- No.

I told the truth. I'm no elephant doctor.

I am the leading gynaecologist in Pompeii.

She got teeth.

I tell...

give her 800 aspirin

and call me in the morning.

Doctor, can't you do something to help her?

No, I really can't.

I wish I could, but I'm working.

I'm in that ambulance!

Wait! Bob!

My goodness, Bob! Wait for me!

You son of a... I'm in a swamp!

Bob!

Listen, Lone Ranger,

can I pop a ride with you guys?

- Sure.

- Thank you so much. You going to Miami?

In a roundabout way.

We're gonna take the scenic route.

The scenic route. Beauty! Okay.

I look on... Charlotte.

Charlotte. Yes.

Show him the living accommodations.

Appreciate it.

I'll get your bag.

If you no give me ride,

I'll be stuck here...

That a girl. In the house, Charlotte.

In the house.

That's it, in the house.

- In the house?

- In the house.

Okay. I gonna go.

Okay. It dark in here.

There's a light switch

over to your right, Doc.

Okay.

Now that we've got the medical staff

on board, let's haul ass.

One of these days,

I'm gonna write a book about you.

Open.

Okay. Good.

Hey, Daddy, look at that big, ugly alligator.

That reminds me.

I gotta call your mama tonight.

You know, Daddy, I like this place.

All the gators and snakes and stuff.

Why don't we move down here?

- Why don't you move down here?

- No, Daddy. I ain't never leaving home.

That's a promise.

Don't you ever threaten your daddy

like that again.

What's that, Daddy?

That must be one of those

new Japanese sports cars.

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