Smokey and the Bandit II Page #5

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- Howdy.

- Swamp fever!

Swamp fever!

Swamp Fever?

Damned if I know where it is.

I'm new around here myself.

Help!

If I wasn't in high pursuit,

I'd have that bum and his Sukiyaki bicycle...

in the clink,

for driving on the wrong side of the road.

How about you, Bandit?

Got them ears on, son?

Yeah, Snowman. Come on back.

Look two doors behind you

and tell me what you see.

Damn! That son of a b*tch never gives up!

Yes, but if you'd like to see a bit of heaven,

turn around...

'cause Big Bulldog Joe Klecko is driving

that Pete parked right on your backdoor.

Right, Joe?

Hi, Joe!

Howdy, Bandit.

I'll leave this in your hands, Snowman.

We're coming around.

Roger. We'll break for that,

Big Bulldog Joe Klecko.

You got the Bulldog.

Kick it back.

See if you can delay that

County Mountie at your backdoor.

10-4.

It's the Bandit.

Hey, you big piece of turkey dump!

- Get that mess the hell out of there!

- You talking to me?

Yes, I'm talking to you!

I'll see if I can get it in gear.

Wait a minute! Hold it!

Wait a minute!

You do that once again,

and I'm gonna take you apart...

piece by piece.

Badge is crooked, sir.

Much obliged.

Who was that, Daddy?

I don't know,

but the circus must be in town.

Hang on, Junior.

- Daddy, the bridge.

- I can make that easy.

- I tried to tell you, Daddy.

- Shut your ass.

- Now, get out and push.

- Daddy, I...

Get out and push.

Okay, but...

It looks like we've got

a decision to make.

Yeah, it does.

- Heads up, tails down.

- You got it.

This one's for you.

Would you look at that?

They love me in Ole Miss, too.

Hi!

Snowman, you got your ears on?

- Anything happening with Charlotte?

- Negatory.

Ain't much with Charlotte. You don't reckon

the doc got squashed, do you?

- Come on, ring my phone.

- We'll stop here.

Giving Doc a mercy stop every

1,000 miles ain't asking too much, is it?

But we're not gonna make this

a habit.

- You drive crazy!

- Is Charlotte all right?

She's okay, but I need air.

Give me a break.

- Where are we?

- On our way to Texas.

Texas? Is that near Miami?

- Her nose cold.

- It's very close to Miami.

Yes, that's good because

I gotta go to Miami.

You understand? I've got

a lot of patients there. I'm no real doctor.

But I do operations on the side.

A lot of sick people need me.

It would be no good if I leave,

because I got the swamp fever...

a lot of them got a rash,

different things like that.

I tell you the truth, they need me.

They gonna be fine. Don't you worry.

Pardon me. All right, take it easy.

I'll give her a nice examination

soon as she gets her nose out of my crotch.

We'll leave the elephant on the truck.

Give her an examination while we drive.

No, it's no good. No room for the stirrup.

- You don't understand. We're in a big hurry.

- Bo, it's a living creature!

That's right. She'll mean very little

to us if we get to Texas and she's dead.

All right, I'll bring her off.

Excuse me.

Snowman's always had a heart.

Cares about something other than himself.

Well, at least you aren't mad at me.

Come on, sweetheart.

Daddy, I got to pee-pee.

- Swallow it. I'm busy.

- But, Daddy, I got to go.

You're just like your mama.

Your mama can't drive more than two miles

before she's gotta take a squirt.

Hurry up. Give it a fast shake.

Well, what do you think?

She's something else, I tell you.

Okay, I gotta look down

your throat. Open. Say "Ahh."

For goodness' sake.

- What happened?

- My ring! Oh, geez!

I need a tongue depressor about this big.

Daddy?

My zipper's stuck.

Get in the car, Junior.

- But, Daddy, my zipper's stuck.

- Get in the car, Junior!

- Daddy, my fly's still open.

- Let me tell you something, Junior.

If you ever embarrass me like that again...

I'm gonna get an axe...

and you're never gonna have

to open your fly again.

He loves me. He loves himself.

He loves me. He loves himself.

- He loves me.

- Hi.

I brought you a present.

- You're kidding?

- No.

- Is it gonna blow up in my face?

- It's my record.

We only pressed 75 of them, but...

Well, I wanted you to have one.

You probably saw them at the KMart,

you know.

They gave them away to everybody

that bought anything over 25 cents.

- I've still got 74 of them.

- I think it represents you well.

I mean, Frank Sinatra sang My Way...

and you sing

Let's Do Something Cheap and Superficial.

Cruel.

Yeah, I know it.

When I'm around you,

I don't like the way I sound.

Probably the way I used to act

makes you act that way.

That's right.

Oh, God. Sometimes I hate the way

I sound around you.

Maybe it's because of the way

you used to treat me.

Hey, Frog, Bandit! Charlotte's sick.

- Charlotte's sick. Let's go.

- Wait a minute.

Sometimes I think you like that elephant

more than you do me.

Hang on to that thought.

Doctor, what's the matter with Charlotte?

She all right?

I think you're gonna be very happy.

Charlotte's fine...

and I hope the bambino fine, too.

- The what?

- The bambino. Baby!

- Did he say "baby"?

- He just said "baby."

- Why did you say "baby"?

- Because la signora Charlotte is pregnant.

- Gonna have a little baby elephant.

- No, you gonna have a big baby elephant.

- Who did it?

- Don't look at me.

Probably another elephant.

- I know that, but when?

- Long time ago.

- When is she gonna have the baby?

- Any days, any minutes.

Sh*t! What are we gonna do?

- We better keep our eyes peeled.

- For what?

For the biggest goddamn stork

you ever seen!

Big stork! With the...

- American joke, right?

- That's not funny.

We'll take this elephant in the truck,

and we'll drive to Dallas with her.

- Bo, pooh!

- What?

We're not gonna move Charlotte anywhere.

Honey, you probably don't

realize this.

In Dallas, they have the greatest

elephant doctors. Ain't that right, Cledus?

Why don't we ask this doctor?

What do you think?

You think we should we move Charlotte

or let her rest or what?

The lady gonna have a baby.

She no can be move for 24 hours.

- What?

- Make it 12.

I'll load her up right now. Come on.

We're running out of time.

- Bo.

- What?

What?

God, I've missed you. I've missed you so.

It's a little hard to get reacquainted

going 110 miles an hour.

So what could be wrong

spending the night...

- ...under the stars together?

- Nothing.

- You mean, just you and I, alone?

- Together.

What's going on?

- What's going on?

- Well, I would say that she's in love.

Of course,

the fat ones always did go for Bo.

She's jealous.

Pregnant ladies always act funny.

What am I gonna do?

It's important not to upset her.

She's got to be very calm.

Keep her calm.

Get her nice and calm.

Then later tonight, you and I...

- Later on, I'll...

- Yeah!

Later on, I'll meet you.

Okay? Later on.

Yeah. I'll keep the blankets warm.

Just keep her calm.

Charlotte, look.

This isn't gonna work out because...

physically we're not the right size

for each other.

You know what I mean?

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