Smoking Guns Page #8

slip on him that's worth 30K,

and in approximately 15 minutes,

that betting slip's either going

to be worth 350K or f*** all.

Now, Jack,

I love your balls, mate,

I really do.

But I can't afford

to take that chance.

You see, you're clearly more

of an optimist than I am.

And here we all are,

the six of us.

You with the betting slip

inside your jacket pocket.

And this might be

my last chance.

And our friend, Yiannis,

is right.

I mean, opportunities

are limited right now.

Jack, you are gonna

give me the betting slip

and I'm gonna go claim my money.

And in the meantime, you three monkeys

are gonna sit with my two pals.

And if you're well behaved, you

won't meet my friend, Nagamaki.

A f***ing triad?

[laughing]

No, mate, you are brilliant,

no, no.

Nagamaki is a Samurai sword

that I own

and is currently

in the possession of Mark.

Mark go on, show them, go on.

Look at that, young Ian,

just have a look,

so sharp, so smooth, so shiny.

So...

Jack, I hate to make threats,

I really do.

The betting slip.

I can't do that, mate.

I'm sorry?

I said I can't

f***ing do that, mate!

No need to get violent.

Jack, no, no, no, no, no.

You see, you're gonna force me

to get into the whole clich,

alpha male, my dick's bigger

than your dick type argument,

and I'll be frank,

I think it's quite tacky.

But, I really have got

a 12-incher in my pants

So, if I don't choke

you with that,

that thing will cut you

in f***ing two.

I can't let you take it off

him, mate. I'm sorry, I can't.

Is that what Pipi

was doing at the bookies?

Selling you that thing?

That's a replica conversion.

Pipi, what a ridiculous name.

A ridiculous name

for a ridiculous little man.

You know, that's only

good for one shot, right?

Have you fired it yet?

Not yet.

So I take it

the gun is yours, Jack.

Alright, that makes more sense.

So, Yiannis, are you gonna

shoot me with that?

I don't want to,

but if I have to, I will.

You're like a female Kangaroo.

You know a female Kangaroo

has got three vaginas,

three holes to get f***ed

in; one, two and three.

So, Mr. One Shot Man,

who you gonna shoot?

Yeah, but he's got the gun

pointing at you, ain't he?

So, you'll be dead first.

What makes you think that

I don't own guns of my own?

And what makes you think

that just because

I underestimated your little

crew this time around...

Our crew.

[Holt] Next time,

I won't over compensate

and rain down a hail of bullets

on you when you least expect it?

Well, it's me your

trying to rob, isn't it?

So, I guess it makes

it between me and you.

You wanna die or something?

Depends what happens

in the next race.

You know, car crashes can bring

us closer to our mortality.

So, if you're feeling suicidal,

what I suggest, is you

give me that betting slip

and save you any aggro later.

Nah, I mean, you seem

like a nice bloke and that,

but I'd rather give

it to someone I know.

There's a parasite...

it's called

the toxoplasma gondii,

and it can only sexually reproduce

inside the guts of a cat.

So, to that end,

it infects rats

and then changes their behavior,

so the rats become

less scared of the cat.

Then those poor rats unwittingly

walk into the jaws of death.

See my little mate, Ian, he

loves a little bit of bullshit.

["La Bamba" by Ritchie Valens]

[Jack] Please, look out

for Ian when I'm gone.

Ian, wouldn't hurt a fly unless killing

flies got you a hard man reputation.

Unfortunately, beating up

faux gangsters does,

and Ian couldn't

resist the opportunity

to step out of the shadow

of his dad's success

and become the hero he's always

seen himself one day becoming.

[music continues]

[indistinct chatter]

Cheeky, f***ing bastard.

[speaking indistinct]

- I've got you, mate, I've got you.

- I know, bruv.

That c*nt,

he deserved it didn't he?

I f***ing told

youse boys, didn't I?

I told you he's just a

reputational rhino, didn't I?

He half admitted it himself,

didn't he?

He admitted he hadn't

killed anyone, right?

F***ing weighed him in.

It's all just f***ing urban

legends, you know what I mean?

He will be back,

trust me on this.

If he's got the ballocks,

Yiannis, to come back,

which after a beating

like that, I doubt very much.

He even said it himself,

didn't he,

he said when we least expect it?

But we're f***ing expecting

it right now, ain't we?

Nah, he won't be back for

at least a couple of days.

Seriously, Yiannis,

give me the f***ing gun.

I'll show this c*nt

who's a f***ing killer.

Look, we'll watch this race,

and then we'll lay low for a couple

of months, avoid this place.

You f***!

I'll f***ing waste you, man,

you f***ing piece of sh*t.

Just in case he

f***ing comes back for us

with a f***ing bucket...

you know.

And you know only got

one shot in that thing?

You should have bought

a f***ing magnum, bruv.

Next one to make a f***ing move

gets a bullet in the brain.

That's it, Yian,

f***ing cool line, mate.

[Yiannis] So let's just

watch this race and go.

He won't f***ing come back,

I'm telling you, man.

He'll blow a bit of hot air

and tell his pals

how he's gonna

kill us all, yeah.

But he won't do f*** all.

It's between me and you, yeah?

It was between me and you.

Oh, yeah... f***er.

[Jack]

Ian, you need to hold it down

for a couple of days though,

yeah.

I mean, you're just

a kid, mate, you know,

stop hanging about

in places like this

with scum bags

and f***ing lowlifes.

You'll end up like me, mate,

in your 30s,

not f***ing two brown

pennies to rub together,

no friends, no family, no job...

- Hear we go again.

- What?

Stop feeling f***ing

sorry for yourself.

You just turned down 30 grand

so things can't be

that bad for you.

Come on, Yian!

That was my f***ing move

you bunch of f***ing wankers!

You just cost me

30 f***ing grand!

Only God can judge

my decisions, Yiannis,

good or bad, right or wrong.

Listen, you two, f***ing,

thank you, yeah.

Jack, bruv, honestly we...

we properly f***ed him up

didn't we, bruv? F***ed him.

Lookit, man, you think I'd let someone

beat you, mate, in front of me?

No, I was f***ing, I was getting

the better of him anyway wasn't I?

[upbeat music]

You alright, Holt?

No, I'm f***ing not alright.

Zack... how much is it gonna

cost me for their heads?

- All three of them?

- Yeah, all three of them.

Hang on a minute,

that's a bit harsh, isn't it?

- I mean, we tried to rob them.

- Harsh is it?

Have you seen

the state of my face?

I've had worse.

Zack... how much?

And don't take the piss.

Rich, I was expecting...

an easy ten today.

I'm desperate for the

cash at the moment, mate.

Since that 5K win,

my luck has turned south

and I can't catch a winner, no.

So, I was playing this game

the other day

using this thing called

a Martingale theory.

Have you heard of that?

What you do right, is you

double the bet after every loss,

so that the first win will

recover all previous losses,

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