Snatched Page #2

I know what's going on

with you, man.

Ah, please.

You got shot through the heart.

Okay, Michael's gone.

Ew.

And it sucks.

Because you know what? He was

the best you'll ever do.

Mom, can I eat upstairs?

No!

I would like to eat right

here with you, Mom. Mama.

You're so gay for Mom.

I'm not gay for Mom.

You're gay for Mom!

She's a woman.

She has a vagina.

You suck Mom's dick.

(GROANS)

Guys! Cool it!

If you keep this up,

I'm not cooking anymore

and I'm not feeding you.

Stop it.

Truce.

Truce.

LINDA:
Arthur!

Here, kitty, kitty.

Honey, have you seen Arthur?

Did he get out?

He's right there.

LINDA:
Oh, good.

Hi, okay.

Does he ever move?

Sweetie, want to watch a movie?

I don't care, Mom.

Oh, honey,

I know you feel so sad.

But everything is going

to get better, honey.

I'll tell you, when Dad left

I thought I would

never have sex again.

And I was right.

What?

But I tell you,

I am really, really relieved

that you are not going

on that trip.

Who said I'm not going

on that trip?

I'm definitely going

on that trip.

I'm just trying to pick

which friend

to bring with me right now

because, like,

everybody wants to go.

Okay.

I can't deal with you

evaluating my life right now.

Can we just take the night off?

I'm not in a place.

I get it.

Enough.

Don't do that.

(LINDA SIGHS)

EMILY:
Okay, Shadee, how about

instead of rent this month,

hear me out

you cash in on a free trip

to Ecuador?

Come on!

Aren't you, like, from there?

Uh, no, you're the one

who sounds racist, actually.

Wow, you jumped to the

C-word pretty fast!

How rude is that?

Oh, sh*t.

Mom!

Can I borrow a shirt?

Sure, honey.

Go into the hall closet.

Down on Cyprus Avenue

With a childlike vision

Leaping into view

Clicking, clacking

Of the high heeled shoe

Ford & Fitzroy,

Madame George

EMILY:
Pack your bags.

You're going with me to Ecuador.

Absolutely not. Not with my knees.

Not going.

Yes, you are.

No!

Mom! Look what

I just found.

Look at how fun you were.

Look at that! I can't

even believe that's you.

LINDA:
Mmm-hmm.

Look at this.

Oh!

That was a long time ago, honey.

Ma

This would be so great for you.

Oh, everybody knows you need

two years to plan a vacation.

No! What are you talking about?

You don't do

anything fun anymore.

Idol

I go to the Y twice a week,

and I take sculpting class.

I mean, look! Voila!

Mom! I told you I would

not acknowledge that.

That is not right. Okay?

It's your home. You put

it where you want it,

but it's an upsetting image.

Okay.

Mom, look, I didn't

want to do this

but here it goes.

(SIGHS)

What?

My trip...

Yeah?

Is non-refundable.

Oh, my God!

Yeah.

You always book refundable,

Emily! Everybody knows that!

I know, but...

(STUTTERS)

Look, it's done,

and no one else will go with me.

No one.

But I booked a journey.

And I refuse

I refuse to let

Michael's decision

dictate whether or not I,

as a woman

go on this trip.

I will embrace this challenge

in the intrepid spirit

of all the independent women

who have come before me.

All the single ladies!

'Cause it's upon their

shoulders that I'm standing.

No, I won't back down!

No!

So I stand before you

right now, Linda

and I ask you

will you

Linda, my mother, Middleton

join me

on this pilgrimage?

(SIGHS)

No.

Non-refundable!

Mom!

I can't.

Help me put the "fun"

in non-refundable.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

(EXCLAIMING)

(SHUTTER CLICKS)

(CHUCKLES)

I actually kinda caught

a piece of you, Mom.

Could you lean out a little bit?

(SHUTTER CLICKS)

That's cute.

Here, put this on.

What is this? What?

That is a rape whistle.

That's a rape whistle.

What?

(CLEARS THROAT)

This is a dog whistle, Mom.

Oh, well...

Are you afraid these dogs

are gonna rape me?

Is that the main concern?

Can I just see that?

I didn't look at the dogs.

Do they look like

rapists to you?

Whatever!

LINDA:
Why don't you just

say, "Thank you, Mom"?

EMILY:
Thank you.

"I'm being raped by a dog."

(WHISTLES)

(BARKING)

(BOTH YELP)

EMILY:
(SHRIEKING)

Oh, my God!

It works.

Wow! Mmm-hmm.

Huh?

Welcome.

Oh, thank you. Um

That's check-in, right?

Welcome.

No, no! Thank you so much.

No. Thank you.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

This is me.

Thank you.

(LINDA SIGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, thank you very much.

What's this?

Welcome!

(EXCLAIMS)

(GROANS)

Ma'am!

"Whale" what?

"Welcome."

Oh!

"Welcome."

I'm sorry. Honey!

They're not serving up

whale semen.

I'm so sorry.

I've got it, thank you.

I know, but that was not good.

Okay. And I have you

down for a king.

Oh. Nope,

that's not right.

I was supposed to be a king

but one thing led to

another, and I changed it.

So, it's two queens now.

Are you sure you changed it?

Yeah, I called ahead.

I do see that note here.

Okay, well, can you look

at that note

and make that note happen?

I'm sorry, I cannot.

So I'm just gonna share

a king-size bed

in a romantic locale

with my mother?

You can sleep

head-to-toe.

Like we're 69-ing.

Great.

(CHUCKLES)

I know what that means,

you know. "69-ing."

Really, Mom?

What does it mean?

LINDA:
Don't test me.

(SHUTTER CLICKS)

Hey.

Hi.

You ate lunch without me.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

And you got a drink.

At 2:
00 p.m.

Mmm-hmm. Sure do.

Hey, honey, you're gonna

break your toes in these.

No, I'm not.

These flip-flops are bad

for your feet.

Okay, all right.

I know.

I'm a grown woman, so I'm fine.

But thank you.

Why are you dressed like Powder?

You look like a beekeeper.

Just get some sun,

is what I'm saying.

The sun is very dangerous.

Mom!

Okay, please.

I just want to fix this.

You put so much on.

I don't want you to get

melanoma in front of my eyes.

Please.

Here. Here.

Mom! (GRUNTING)

(SIGHS) So

I'm just gonna read my magazine.

Oh, that's nice.

I didn't know they had a day

care program at the hotel.

(LAUGHING)

So, I don't get it.

It's gross.

It is gross.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, God!

Have you talked

to your dad lately?

Mmm-mmm. I think he's still

in Florida with Susan.

Let's go out tonight.

What? No, I can't.

Yeah, you and me.

We're going out.

No, no, no.

Why?

Hair, make-up, b*obs.

We're going out.

Come on.

Don't do this.

Emily, I am not going strolling

in Ecuador at night.

You're such

a scaredy-cat.

This is what I'm talking about.

You're gonna miss

this whole trip.

Everything shouldn't be

so scary.

Oh, it damn well should.

Okay, thank you.

Name's Ruth. Traveling with

my best friend, Barb.

We usually go to the Arizona

Gem Show every year.

But this year, Barb got

a deal on this resort.

Well, enjoy it.

Ecuador's a pretty place.

No arguing that.

But you can't

let your guard down.

That is right.

That is exactly right.

A lot of terrible things

happen outside

these little gates.

Exactly. See?

The world's a scary place.

One in four tourists in

South America are kidnapped.

What? Incredible!

Not true.

Totally true.

One, two, three,

somebody's missing.

It's false.

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