Some Freaks Page #7

your coat and get

you some Goose.

- You know, I think I'm just,

I think I'm gonna head out.

This place is just a little

too wild for my tastes.

- Oh, yeah, no, I get it.

Tell you what, get you a drink...

- It's all right.

- You sure?

You all right?

- Yeah, I'll just, yeah.

- Okay, yeah, drive safe.

Justin!

- Hey, do you know

where the bathroom is?

- Oh sh*t, it's you.

Patrick Keever huh?

- What?

- I heard dude,

he's a f***ing stud.

I'm jealous.

- Who are you with?

- Fabio, he's the sexy Latin

dude taking the photos.

He's got his own

name tattooed on

his back and he's

already misused the

word pedantic twice in

conversation tonight.

But f*** it, he's

on the rowing team

and he's got biceps

like softballs.

So who gives a sh*t right?

But yeah, Patrick.

You're a lucky girl.

Got a fun night ahead of you.

- Look, I gotta talk

to you about something.

- Why do they all

wear solid black?

I mean whatever happened

to vertical stripes right?

- I don't think I can do this.

- What?

What are you talking about?

You're one of my best pledges.

- Isn't there any other way?

- You wanna leave, no one's

forcing you to be here.

- No, I know, it's just...

- More importantly, no one's

forcing her to be here.

She's not stupid, she

knows what's going on.

Why do you think she

hasn't stormed out by now?

Why haven't all of

them stormed out?

- I don't know.

- Because they wanna f*** a

bunch of good looking dudes.

Are we exploiting them?

Obviously.

Are they exploiting

us right back?

You better believe it.

- Cheers.

- I'm not gonna f*** you.

- Wow, that's a relief.

- I'm just saying,

you're not my type.

I figured we should get that

out of the way up front.

- Up front, you mean like

after I pay for your drink?

- It's nothing personal.

You're just too...

Normal.

- Normal.

Oh God, okay.

Of course, of course

that's the reason.

- What?

Whoa.

- You want different,

huh, you want weird?

There you go, it's all yours.

You know what, the funny

thing is I actually

don't disagree with

you, I really don't.

I don't care what

the f*** you call me.

I just wish that you

guys, all you guys

would just get together

and agree on it

'cause I don't know

what the f*** I am.

And all these guys,

they seem to know.

I mean they're here, they put on

this little uniform,

and the only

reason I don't have

mine on is because

this thing doesn't,

it doesn't fit me.

And if it did, if

there was something

I could wear or

say or do, then...

Are you even listening

to me right now?

I'm saying something to you.

- Sh*t, that is so f***ing cool.

- Unbelievable.

- No, how did it happen?

You gotta tell me.

Actually wait, before you start.

Hey Andy!

Get over here, you've

gotta see this!

- 204...

205, ladies and gentlemen, 205!

All right, last up.

Hey tons of fun, come on.

Come on sweetie, it'll just

take a second, let's go.

- Don't f***ing touch me.

- Come on, it's not gonna hurt.

Just get up.

- I said I didn't...

- Just get on the scale.

- I'm not doing this, I don't...

- Get your f***ing

hands off her!

You okay?

- Yeah.

- Dude, what the

f*** are you doing?

I was just taking

her on the scale.

- She doesn't wanna get on the

scale, so do not touch her!

- She doesn't wanna

get on the scale?

What are you, her

bodyguard all of a sudden?

- What's going on?

- She doesn't wanna

get on the scale.

- So?

- So everyone else

has, so she has to now.

- She doesn't have to do

anything she doesn't wanna do.

This is supposed to be fun.

- Yeah, but everyone else has...

- I don't give a sh*t

about everyone else.

Only person I care about is...

What's your name?

- Jill.

- Beautiful name.

All that's important

is that you have

a good time, isn't

that right Patrick?

- Yeah.

- Upstairs.

Last door on the left.

- How did you know I played

basketball back then?

- Well we went to the

same high school remember?

- You went to Ben Frank?

- Yeah.

Don't you remember

there was that

one time we were in the hallway,

I was looking at the

college placement board,

and you came up and I was like

hey look, we're going

to the same school

and you said nice,

I'll see you there.

You want another beer?

- No, that...

- Who is she?

- She's, we were dating.

- Were dating, as in

you guys broke up?

- Not exactly.

- Right.

Not exactly.

How long have you been together?

- Year and a half.

We were trying the whole

long distance thing.

- Oh really?

How's that working out for you?

That was another joke.

- Right, yeah.

Hole in the boat

And now we can never go home

There's a hole in the boat

And now we can never go home

- Oh God.

I'm such a shitty singer.

- Oh f***, were

you even listening?

Come on man, no, you're good.

- You got a good voice.

- No, no, shut up, that's wrong.

- F*** that, it's true.

- No man, it's not, I'm

not gonna.

- Oh come on.

- Watch it, jeez.

Outta here.

Roker, huh?

You read him yet, he's good.

He's kinda like...

What's his name?

Whatever.

There was this poet

that my dad knew,

or knew someone

who, I don't know,

but this guy, he

was like, not famous

or anything, he was

just unbearably ugly.

Like hideous.

And no woman would

touch him, so he...

He tried guys.

No guys would touch him.

So he tried hookers.

But none of them would

touch him either.

- Take off your pants.

- Don't you wanna just

wait a little bit?

- For what?

- I don't know, just...

- Just take them off.

- Okay, just give me a minute.

- So one day he

went out to a store.

He bought one of those

plastic revolvers.

And he took the

little orange tip off,

the one that makes

you know it's a toy.

And he ran out into

traffic just waving it.

And the police came

out and tackled him

and threw him on

the hood of the car.

- Is everything okay?

- Just a second, okay?

- I can help with something...

- No, I just, just

give me a minute okay?

- He said it felt wonderful.

F***, what was his name?

Justin?

Justin?

Yo dude, you awake?

- So still too normal to f***?

- No.

Not normal.

Just...

Pathetic.

- F***er.

- Hey.

Have a good night, sweetheart.

- Hey.

Wait, no no, hey, no, I'm sorry,

I thought you knew,

I thought, you were

touching me, I just

thought that you knew.

Oh God, please don't hate me.

I love you.

- Hello?

What?

- This way?

Hi, hey, excuse me,

can you help me?

Excuse me?

Sh*t.

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

- Sir?

- Hi, I have a friend here,

can you tell me

where exactly he is?

- All right, I understand.

I'll be with you in

just a second, for right

now though, please stand

behind the yellow line.

- No no no, you don't

understand, please,

can you just tell me

which room he's in and...

- Sir, behind the

yellow line now.

- Please, just...

- I'm so sorry.

- God, get off the

f***ing phone, help me!

- Security!

- Okay, okay, okay, no,

it's fine, I'm over here.

- Just sit.

- F***.

- Elmo Moss?

- He's in critical

care, please take a seat.

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