Some Kind of Beautiful Page #4

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- Wish I'd been there for that one.

- Where are you from in England?

- And are you a Rich or a Dick?

- I'm a Richard.

- Your father took a structural stance...

- You know, the missus and I,

we love it over there,

we go every summer.

- You do? Great.

- Cheers again, matey.

Richard, I want to let you know

that these fervent minds here

have taken great care looking over

your application material.

Never trust an Englishman

who doesn't drink, Richie boy.

- Syllabus...

- ...epistemological level.

Academics. Yup, yup, yup.

- I do have one small question for you.

- This one's the biggest yapper of them all.

How are the Romantics relevant

to today's students?

You want me to answer this question now?

I'm sure we'd all enjoy hearing

just a taste of one of your lectures.

- A taste.

- A mere amuse-bouche is all.

Why not the whole meal? Why don't you

come down and see me in action?

- I happen to be free on Thursday.

- Christ, what about that?

I see you've already met my wife.

I'm just going to go outside for a moment

here, and just jump in front of a bus.

Where are you going?

You didn't even say goodbye!

That's true.

Bye!

I wonder if he was flirting with me.

Oh, my God.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, bollocks.

Sh*t.

Good evening, Officer. Oh, boy.

Have I been drinking?

I drink every night. How about you?

Can't we all just get along?

Thanks.

Thanks again for bailing me out.

- And for the silent treatment.

- Don't talk to me.

I still can't believe it.

- Can't believe what?

- I wasn't talking to you.

And I wasn't talking to you,

my darling little fornicating ex-wife.

- Shut up, Richard.

- Alan dumped me.

What a small world.

My wife did exactly the same thing.

She used to adore me.

Where, oh, where did the love go?

She turned 30 and wised up.

So, what's going on?

Why are you here, Olivia?

- Thank you so much for helping out.

- It's the least I can do.

- Helping out? Helping out with what?

- I needed to know

that Jake was going to be looked after,

fed, and driven by a responsible person

- with a valid driver's license.

- Fine. Why her?

Livvy offered to come

at a very difficult time for her

to bail us out of the mess

that you put us in.

You know what?

- I've had enough of this.

- You know, you say "I" a lot.

Really? Well, I know that Jake

loves having you around.

But I'm getting phone calls

from your immigration attorney

because you don't ever bother

to call him back.

I can't be in your life anymore.

I'm enabling your degenerate behavior.

And what is the point

of all this right now?

Richard, if you want me to pretend

like we're happily married

so you can stay in this country,

you better get it together.

- Yeah?

- Gotcha.

- I woke you up, didn't I?

- Dad, is that you?

You know, there are no time zones

in China. Did you know that?

The whole bloody country

is on Peking time,

and that's the way it should be.

- We should all be on Peking time.

- Don't be a dumb prat.

The whole world

should be on London time.

Okay. What do you want, Dad?

- How's the little turd?

- Don't call him that.

Come on,

you're far too bloody sensitive.

All right, great to hear from you, Dad.

Why don't you go badger Joan? Okay?

She's not here.

Sh*t. Okay. I've got to go. Goodbye.

Richard Haig?

Thank you.

So, your interview is Monday.

This is the fourth quarter now, two minute

warning, you got no timeouts left.

What the hell are you talking about?

If your ex-wife won't show up to your

interview, it's going to be Hail Mary time.

Okay?

- So, did you get a full-time job?

- Doing my best.

Have you recently joined

any terrorist organizations?

Applied all over. Fingers crossed.

Have you ever been arrested?

- DUI.

- When? How many years ago?

Friday? I mean, they can't kick me

out of the country for that, can they?

- Jakey's a US citizen.

- You see the people in my waiting room?

The kid born here, the parents, illegal.

They're deporting the parents!

Oh, yeah, it's game seven,

win or go home time.

All right, well, if you join

a recovery program now...

What, recovery?

You do the 10 mandated sessions

the court's going to give you for the DUI.

- 10? That's going to take me weeks!

- Hell week, baby. Two-a-days.

You get your ex-wife to your interview

and you get a great job.

You do all that, and you get

the ring, baby, okay?

Yes, of course.

Hijos de puta.

Everything all right?

Yeah. Why?

Want to borrow my car?

Okay, if you're not using it.

That's good, that's good,

that's good. It's okay!

- Wait, wait, wait.

- What?

Did Kate tell you about

the one-way system at pick up?

No, I didn't think so. It's okay.

- All right, toots. Step on it.

- Oh, boy.

Stop sign. Stop sign. Stop sign.

Car, car! Jesus.

Where the hell did you learn

how to drive?

Mexico.

Oh, can you please get that?

Where is my phone? Where's my phone?

- I'm waiting for a very important call.

- Here you go. Sorry, it's down here.

Hello?

Olivia? I have Tim Prince

from Creative Management Lit for you.

- Okay.

- Can't he dial the phone by himself?

- Hey, babes!

- Hi!

- Listen, so sorry about Alan. Awful!

- Thanks, Tim. Thank you.

I caught my ex-wife in downward dog

with my tantra teacher

coming out of her central eye.

You feel so...

- Angry.

- Who the hell is this guy?

Okay, listen, babes,

if anyone can go from editor to author,

it's you, and I mean that.

And I got your sample chapter.

Give me a day or two to look it over.

- Of course.

- I'll be gentle. I promise.

- Who says I like it gentle?

- That's my girl. Okay, got to jump.

- Bye, babes.

- Bye!

- Fascinating exchange.

- How can men move on so quickly?

- What?

- It's like a switch for you, isn't it?

You flip it off,

then you turn to the next one.

You flip that one on, and when you

get tired of that, you just flip another.

Like a pilot on a cockpit.

Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip.

What the hell are you talking about?

Wishful thinking, Richard.

I wish I was like...

Eyes on the road, eyes on the road!

Do not enter! Wrong way! Wrong way!

- Oh, relax. Relax.

- I am, I am very relaxed.

You're like an old lady!

You men, you'd rather just go out there

and have sex than work things out.

Yeah. Guilty as charged.

But your horniness is nothing

but a big mask for you to hide behind.

- Now, what's wrong with a big mask?

- Let me ask you something.

How can you teach the Romantics

when you can't even have a real feeling?

Is irritation a real feeling?

I mean, listening to you flirt on the phone

with some guy who's calling you babes,

- oohing and ahhing. No...

- Please. I wasn't oohing and ahhing.

I like it gentle. Good Lord, anyone

would think you were having an orgasm.

I do not sound like that when I...

Anyway, you should hear some of the stupid

noises you guys make when you're...

You can't even say the word, can you?

Come on. What do we sound like?

For example, you have the bear.

I can see your tonsils.

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