Some Kind of Beautiful Page #5

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- Then you have the sports commentators.

- Oh, yeah?

Baja la pelota, recibe con el pecho,

mete mano en el rea chica. Gol!

- What kind of men have you been with?

- And then there's the quiet ones.

- Are you finished?

- No.

- Of course not.

- And the worst one is the Tourette's one.

- What?

- You know, "Sh*t, f***.

I love you, f*** me, oh,

motherf***er b*tch, I love you.

F*** me, f*** me, f*** me."

Hey, that sounds like you, Dad.

I heard him once on the walkie-talkie.

Mr. Haig, do you have a minute?

Of course I do.

Come on, toots. This way.

This morning, Jake said

he had a question about the rules.

He asked if he was allowed to use

the special alphabet.

- Oh, boy.

- I didn't know what that was.

So he asked if he was allowed

to say the "A" word.

Then he asked,

"Can I say bugger, crap, dummy?"

And when he got to F, he said,

"Am I allowed to say 'frick,'

because I know I'm not allowed

to say 'f***.'"

It was at that point that I sent him

to the principal's office.

- And what did you say for G?

- Goddamn.

Mr. Haig,

how is Jake adjusting to your new...

living situation?

No, no, this is not what it looks like,

or what it sounds like. No, no, no.

- We don't need to have an explanation.

- I think there's been a misunderstanding.

- I would never...

- You've said enough.

Oh, wonderful.

I'll walk to the curb. Mind your hands.

- What are you doing here?

- What am I doing here?

I'm just going to get

some delicious Potatoes Latinos.

Yeah, and maybe a manicure.

Or a bikini wax.

Bye. I'll see you later. You take care.

- Whatever.

- Bye.

We have two new members today.

We have Cindy and Richard.

So, Cindy, do you want to...

Hi, I'm Cindy.

And I'm an alcoholic.

Thank you, Cindy. Richard?

Hi, I am Richard,

and I'm not an alcoholic.

I'm English, a country with...

a few thousand years of history,

and part of that history

is the communal practice

of having a drink in the pub.

Now, I know it's not your fault

a few sad, sorry pilgrims arrived here

and infected your country with the message

of puritanical masochism.

But it is your fault you've all taken it

on board quite so earnestly.

So... you chaps go ahead.

Knock yourselves out.

But just know this. The first thing

I intend to do when this hour is up:

is hit that bar across the street

and have a nice cold one.

- Good luck with that.

- Thank you, Chad.

How are the Romantics relevant to you?

You know, the only reason I'm taking

this class is so I can get my GPA up

so I can play baseball

at Arizona State, so...

How about you, Stacy?

How are the Romantics relevant to you?

They're not.

You have been such a wonderful audience.

I can't wait to see you all next week,

when I shall be lecturing naked,

wearing a sombrero.

It'll be so wonderful.

F*** me.

Olivia?

- Hey, babes! There you are!

- Oh, Tim! Hi!

How are you, beautiful?

Okay.

About this.

This rocks.

- Really?

- It is smart, it is funny.

- Oh, I love Jenna.

- Jane.

You might want to change that. Sex sells.

Jane makes me think of nun in a wimple.

God, but you are so talented.

You're so beautiful, too.

And trust me, that helps, babe.

I'm gonna take you to the stars.

I am gonna take you to the stars.

All I ask is that these shoulders

be the ones you stand upon.

Watch the silk, though?

Hello?

Richard, listen. They've assigned

your case for investigation.

Really? What does that mean?

You're under surveillance

by an undercover federal agent.

- Jesus! F***!

- Yes.

Sorry. Sorry.

Sh*t. He's here tonight.

He just flashed his badge.

Don't fumble the ball, now!

All that matters is that you exhibit

good moral character, okay?

Okay, everybody, grab a seat.

Okay, so, Chad, I believe

you wanted to start us off?

I'm Chad, and I am 13 days sober.

- Yeah! Way to go, Chad!

- All right, Chad!

All right, so why don't you tell us

how that feels?

Well, you know,

it started by not going...

Wendy? Excuse me, Wendy,

just a moment there, please.

Sorry, everyone. Can I say something?

Sorry, Chad, I didn't mean to interrupt

your moment of glory there.

My name is Richard,

and I'd like to amend my earlier comments

about the drinking habits of the English.

I mean, just because the entire country

hits the pub after work doesn't mean

we can't all be alcoholics,

because we are.

We are inebriates, national disgrace.

What else? I'm married, very happily so.

Oh, and I have a son.

A beautiful little son called Jakey.

Born here, in this country, a country which

I love and has such meaning to my heart.

So, Richard...

with all of that to lose,

why would you get drunk

and then get behind the wheel of a car?

Yep. Well, there you have it.

I'm an alcoholic.

I'm Richard, alcoholic.

Yeah? Jakey? Jake, no, no, no.

No, Jakey, just tell him...

Just tell him...

Tell him just to calm down.

Okay, no more cellphones.

I'm here, I'm here. It's okay.

- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

- It's all right. Don't worry. Don't worry.

I know. I know. Come on, Jakey, calm down.

Calm down. Just breathe. There you go.

Breathe, breathe, relax.

- Use your words.

- I... I had a bad dream.

- Okay.

- Then I woke up...

and Mommy wasn't here,

and you were gone and...

I'm really sorry. Okay.

Hey, you know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna blow

that bad dream away, okay?

Here, let me catch it.

Okay. Give us a hug.

All right, where's Teddy?

There he is!

All right, let's go to sleep.

Come on, say good night.

Good night.

There you go, my little warrior poet.

Go to sleep.

Dad, you and Mom are never going

to live together, are you?

No, I'm sorry.

But if you're ever upset about anything,

anything at all, you go talk

to your mum or talk to me.

Or Brian?

Only if I'm stuck down a mine

and your mom's in a coma.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

I...

- I was completely useless.

- No, It's okay.

I can't even take care

of my little sister's child.

I mean, how hard can that be, right?

Have you ever felt like everybody else

has gotten their sh*t together but you?

I mean, my little sister has.

Even you have.

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

Look, it's just a lot different

when it's your own kid.

Well, I wouldn't know about that either.

Listen, I made some soup.

- Would you like some? It's horrible.

- Sure. I love horrible soup.

It's horrible. I can't even make a soup.

Oh, boy.

- You know, you're a really good father.

- Yeah. Sure I am.

Richard, I'm giving you a compliment.

Just say thank you.

Thank you, Olivia.

I like it when you say my name.

It's funny.

Most women adore me to begin with,

and then end up hating me.

You, on the other hand, hated me right off

the bat, but now I think you despise me.

No, I despised you at the beginning.

Now, I just loathe you

a little sometimes.

Well.

I've been staying inside

Watching from the outside

My God, it's been a long time

For sure

I've been reaching for my west side

'Cause it used to be my best side

Now it's a part of me I can't find

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