Some Like It Hot Page #33

JOE:

They shrink when they're marinated.

During this, he has opened the champagne, filled a couple of

glasses.

JOE:

(continuing)

Champagne?

SUGAR:

I don't mind if I do.

JOE:

(toasting her)

Down the hatch -- as we say at sea.

SUGAR:

Bon voyage.

As she sips the drink, she glances at the shelves of trophies.

SUGAR:

Look at all that silverware.

JOE:

Trophies. You know -- skeet-shooing,

dog-breeding, water polo...

SUGAR:

Water polo -- isn't that terribly

dangerous?

JOE:

I'll say. I had two ponies drowned

under me.

SUGAR:

Where's your shell collection?

JOE:

Yea, of course. Now where could they

have put it?

(looking under the

couch)

On Thursdays, I'm sort of lost around

here.

SUGAR:

What's on Thursdays?

JOE:

It's the crews' night off.

SUGAR:

You mean we're alone on the boat?

JOE:

Completely.

SUGAR:

You know, I've never been completely

alone with a man before -- in the

middle of the night -- in the middle

of the ocean.

JOE:

Oh, it's perfectly safe. We're well

anchored -- the ship is in shipshape --

and the Coast Guard promised to call

me if there are any icebergs around.

SUGAR:

It's not the icebergs. But there are

certain men who would try to take

advantage of a situation like this.

JOE:

You're flattering me.

SUGAR:

Well, of course, I'm sure you're a

gentleman.

JOE:

Oh, it's not that. It's just that

I'm -- harmless.

SUGAR:

Harmless -- how?

JOE:

Well, I don't know how to put it --

but I have this thing about girls.

SUGAR:

What thing?

JOE:

They just sort of leave me cold.

SUGAR:

You mean -- like frigid?

JOE:

It's more like a mental block. When

I'm with girls, it does nothing to

me.

SUGAR:

Have you tried?

JOE:

Have I? I'm trying all the time.

He casually puts his arms around her, kisses her on the lips,

lets go of her again.

JOE:

(continues)

See? Nothing.

SUGAR:

Nothing at all?

JOE:

Complete washout.

SUGAR:

That makes me feel just awful.

JOE:

Oh, it's not your fault. It's just

that every now and then Mother Nature

throws somebody a dirty curve.

Something goes wrong inside.

SUGAR:

You mean you can't fall in love?

JOE:

Not anymore. I was in love once --

but I'd rather not talk about it.

(takes the glass bell

off the cold cuts)

How about a little cold pheasant?

SUGAR:

What happened?

JOE:

I don't want to bore you.

SUGAR:

Oh, you couldn't possibly.

JOE:

Well, it was my freshman year at

Princeton -- there was this girl --

her name was Nellie -- her father

was vice-president of Hupmobile --

she wore glasses, too. That summer

we spent our vacation at the Grand

Canyon -- we were standing on the

highest ledge, watching the sunset --

suddenly we had an impulse to kiss --

I took off my glasses -- I took a

step toward her -- she took a step

toward me --

SUGAR:

(hand flying to mouth)

Oh, no!

JOE:

Yes. Eight hours later they brought

her up by mule -- I gave her three

transfusions -- we had the same blood

type -- Type O -- it was too late.

SUGAR:

Talk about sad.

JOE:

Ever since then --

(indicating heart)

Numb -- no feelings. Like my heart

was shot full of novocaine.

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