Some Like It Hot Page #43

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LOBBY - DAY

The elevator doors open, and a Bellhop backs out with a man

in a wheel chair. As they turn INTO CAMERA, we discover that

the bellhop is Jerry -- the uniform fitting him much too

snugly -- and the blanket-covered figure in the wheel chair

is Joe, dressed in the old man's suit, Panama hat, and dark

glasses.

As Jerry and Joe proceed with dignity toward the front door,

we see Spats and his henchmen deployed in strategic positions

around the lobby. Jerry wheels Joe past Spats.

Spats glances at them casually, then becomes aware of a

strange CLACKING SOUND. He looks down.

There is something decidedly odd about the bellhop -- because

his trouser-legs terminate in high-heeled shoes.

Spats, grinning smugly, signals the two henchmen who are

guarding the front door. They start to close in on Joe and

Jerry. Jerry abruptly spins the wheel chair around, trundles

it toward the rear of the lobby. The other to henchmen take

up the chase. Jerry and Joe disappear into a corridor leading

toward the rear of the hotel. As the pursuing henchmen start

to turn into the corridor, the empty wheel chair comes

whizzing toward them. The henchmen stumble over it, become

momentarily entangled.

Joe and Jerry, sprinting down the corridor, reach an open

door, dart inside. The henchmen come racing up, and passing

the door, round a bend in the corridor.

INT. PANTRY - DAY

In the center of the room stands a huge cake, and two

convention officials are decorating it under the watchful

eye of Johnny Paradise, who leans against the wall

monotonously tossing a coin into the air. One of the

officials, wielding a confectioner's cone, has almost finished

lettering the inscription HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SPATS.

Joe and Jerry burst in from the corridor, and the three hoods

look up, startled. Before they can recover, the boys have

scooted across the room and out another door.

INT. BANQUET ROOM - DAY

Joe and Jerry come dashing in breathlessly, stop to get their

bearings. Dominating the room is a U-shaped table, covered

with flowers and about thirty place-settings, with a half

grapefruit on each plate. On the wall behind the head of the

table is the banner welcoming the Friends of Italian Opera.

The boys glance around the empty room, make a beeline for

the main entrance. As they reach the door, it starts to open,

and voices are HEARD from the corridor.

They turn desperately toward a second door, but that too is

opening. Trapped, they duck under the banquet table,

disappearing behind the long white tablecloth just as the

banqueteers start to troop in. They are the same mugs we saw

in the lobby, but they are now dressed in tuxedos or white

dinner jackets. Chatting amiably, they move to their places

at the table.

Under the table, Joe and Jerry huddle together as the

delegates start to seat themselves. Suddenly a pair of legs

slide beneath the tablecloth directly in front of them --

and the boys recoil when they see that the owner's shoes are

encased in spats.

Spats Colombo is settling himself at the table, while his

four henchmen take the seats on either side of him.

SPATS:

What happened?

FIRST HENCHMAN:

Me and Tiny, we had them cornered --

but we lost 'em in the shuffle.

SPATS:

(turning to other two

henchmen)

Where were you guys?

SECOND HENCHMAN:

Us? We was with you at Rigoletto's.

SPATS:

Why, you stupid --

He picks up the half-grapefruit in front of him, and is about

to ram it in the henchman's face.

FIRST HENCHMAN:

It's all right, boss -- we'll get

'em after the banquet. They can't be

too far away.

Under the table, Joe and Jerry exchange a panicky look.

There is a burst of APPLAUSE from the delegates as through

the door strides LITTLE BONAPARTE, accompanied by half a

dozen convention officials. Little Bonaparte is short, bald,

vicious, and wears a hearing aid. As he proceeds toward the

head of the table, his pose is Napoleonic -- head bowed,

hands clasped behind his back. Spats and his henchmen

pointedly abstain from applauding. Little Bonaparte remains

standing at the place of honor while his associates seat

themselves.

BONAPARTE:

Thank you, fellow opera-lovers. It's

been ten years since I elected myself

president of this organization --

and if I say so myself, you made the

right choice. Let's look at the

record. We have fought off the

crackpots who want to repeal

Prohibition and destroy the American

home -- by bringing the corner saloon.

We have stamped out the fly-by-night

operators who endangered public health

by brewing gin in their own bathtubs,

which is very unsanitary. We have

made a real contribution to national

prosperity -- we are helping the

automobile industry by buying all

those trucks, the glass industry by

using all those bottles, and the

steel industry -- you know, all those

corkscrews. And what's good for the

country is good for us. In the last

fiscal year, our income was a hundred

and twelve million dollars before

taxes -- only we ain't paying no

taxes.

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