Someone Marry Barry Page #9

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No one to apologize for.

It kinda sucks.

Yeah.

Totally.

I'm just so bummed, you know,

not only was she a really

fantastic girl,

but she had... these great,

big juicy jugs, you know?

Just showstoppers.

Oh...

someone's at my door.

I- I gotta go.

I'll call you later,

okay Grandma?

I love you. Bye.

Hey.

What are you guys doing here?

Can we talk?

Uh...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

come on in.

And when we say we are sorry

about everything we said and did

we really mean it.

What we said was mean.

And the stuff we said

about Mel, too.

I mean she didn't deserve that.

Yeah, she didn't deserve that.

She's a sweetheart.

But I'll relay that message

to her

if I ever talk to her again.

We want you back, Barry.

We're your friends, Barry.

Always.

No matter what ridiculous,

obnoxious, inane,

stupid thing you might do.

Yeah, I probably will do

something like that.

Barry, will you forgive us?

I don't think so.

Now I want you guys to get

out of my house right now.

Get outta here!

I'm kidding! I'm kidding.

I'm kidding, guys.

Oh my God I got goose bumps.

Like, I could barely

pull that off.

Did you guys see that?

Ah!

- Yeah.

So, pals forever?

Dick tattoos, finally?

Are we gonna do it?

No.

You get a tattoo of a dick

on your dick

and on the tattoo of the dick

on your dick

it says, "Pals forever. "

I'm mainly concerned

about the pain.

That'a the point!

A**hole!

I love it when you get this guy.

Look at you!

And I knew that if I

just concentrated hard enough,

believed hard enough,

You didn't

revive the possum, Kurt.

That's what they do.

They play possum.

You never heard of

playing possum?

No, why would you wanna play

with a dead animal?

They're not dead.

They're pretending to be dead.

You did not revive that animal.

Rafe, maybe you're not

understanding me.

You don't have the powers

to revive dead animals.

Whatcha got there, man?

Hey! Hey, buddy.

Nothin'.

Just, uh... oh, uh, I, uh,

have something here

I've been meaning to give to you

for a little while.

It's, uh, my share of the

mail order bride.

Or it's a start, anyway.

Thanks, man.

I do need a wallet, but for now,

this'll have to do.

How are you, man?

- Good, good, good.

Yeah, I'm really well.

You know, like, uh,

things feel...

...uh, things feel shitty.

I can't get over Mel.

I can't stop thinking about her.

I'm just-

I'm a wreck.

You know, I- I-

most girls don't understand me,

Des.

They punch me.

But Mel, she got me.

And I blew it.

Well, you got us, man.

Yeah, I know, I know. And I-

I'm thrilled that we're all

hanging out together again,

believe me, I-I just...

Nobody else makes me feel

the way that she does.

And that's no slam to you guys,

you know?

Nobody makes me feel that way.

I- I- I've never even

considered

spending the rest of my life

with somebody.

Have you told her this?

What do you mean?

- Like, how you feel?

How would I do that?

I mean, what you said

sounded pretty darn good.

No, what?

You think?

Absolutely.

I gotta tell her, don't I?

- For sure.

I gotta do this. I'm gonna-

we gotta- I gotta do this.

I'm gonna do it on Monday.

Well, um, why-

why Monday?

Monday's way better for me.

The weekend is packed.

I got- I got grout.

I gotta transfer

all my BluRays to DVD.

You cannot wait 'til Monday,

Barry.

You've met the woman that you

wanna drive everyone crazy with

for the rest of your life.

Yeah.

- You have to be with her now.

I have to.

- Good.

Do you know where she is?

What's today?

- Um, Friday.

Yeah, I know exactly

where she is.

Let smile the heavens

upon this holy act

that after hours with sorrow

chide us not.

Amen.

But come what sorrow can.

It cannot countervail

the exchange of joy

that one short minute gives

me in her sight.

Do we really need to be running?

No, it's just more romantic

this way!

Hey, any idea where I could

get some clean urine?

I have some.

Not mine, but I have some.

It is my ghostly confessor.

Romeo shall thank thee

for us both.

As much to him,

else is his thanks too much.

Ah, Juliet if the measure

of thy joy be heaped like mine

and that thy skill

be more to blazon

the imagined happiness that

both receive and...

Barry... Barry.

What?

There's an entrance.

No, it's okay,

I got in.

I fell in over here.

Do you guys know Mel Miller?

My true love has grown

to such excess-

Anybody seen Mel Miller?

Hey.

Comes a messenger.

Sorry.

Go to, messenger.

I'll have words with you later.

Ah!

- Oh!

Mel Miller?

Mel Miller?!

Shut up, a**hole!

She's a British

blonde bombshell,

works here?

Listen, they both

take suicide pills

and they die, okay?

It's really sad.

You just ruined the whole play,

you idiot!

Oh my God. Oh, you didn't

know that?

Oh you guys didn't know that?

It's called the eighth grade,

dummies!

Try it some time.

It's Romeo and Juliet.

Ah, there she is, there's-

I need to talk to you,

please come here.

Pretend it's part of the show,

Barry, please.

Not until I say

some things to you.

This will just take a moment.

He's very sick.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, this is a lovely

setting for Shakespeare.

Now I just need to say

a couple of things.

No, no, stay here.

I have to do it here!

I have to do it here!

So- sorry.

- Yes.

Yes.

- Sorry.

I-

I la-mmm-

I love- I love-

I love your tits.

- Oh!

That's- 'ey, 'ey, 'ey, 'ey!

That's not what I meant.

That's not what I meant.

I'm- I'm- I'm-

I'm not that gross.

I do love her tits I just-

you got great tits,

I love your tits.

- I know that.

I can do better, I- I-

- What?

I love- I love-

I love your breath...

even in the morning when it-

when it smells

like a sweaty sock.

I love it even more that way.

I just wanna climb inside

your mouth and live there.

I love that I could al-

I can always tell

what you've had for lunch

because I can taste it later

when we're making out.

And- and I love- I love that

you're so not into your looks

that you don't even care that

you have a daddy long legs mole

growing under your arm

and it's got little whiskers

and you never pluck 'em.

It's disgusting.

- I do.

And I- and I- and I love, I love

that your accent is so thick I have...

I literally have no idea

what you're saying to me

half the time.

- Is that it?

Yeah. See, I could barely

even understand that.

I love that your nose whistles

every time I make you come.

And I- and I love that your

little nickname for my butthole

is my smelly button.

And- and- and I love that you

have to take off all your clothes

every time you have to

take a poo.

Even in public restrooms.

It's so adorable.

It takes forever.

And I- and I love,

I love that you have

a- a dedicated savings account

just for future space travel.

I do. Yeah, I do.

And- and- and I love

your little mustache.

I didn't know

you noticed it.

It's my favorite little

mustache I've ever seen.

Even if that makes me gay.

I'm gay for your 'stache.

I'm gay for her 'stache!

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