South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #2

KYLE:

Let's go get fat ass!

EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE - DAY

This house looks just like all the others.

INT. THAT SAME HOUSE

CLOSE UP on a bag that reads 'CHEESY POOFS'. A hand reaches

into the bag, pulls out a wad of orange crunchies and raises

them --

BOOM UP to reveal the fat face of eight year old ERIC CARTMAN

who chows down on the chips.

Now we see that fat little Eric is sitting on his couch,

eating Cheesy Poofs and watching television.

The doorbell rings. Cartman doesn't move a muscle.

CARTMAN:

MOM! SOMEBODY'S AT THE DOOR!

CARTMAN'S MOTHER enters. She is extremely June Cleaveresque

(except that she's a hermaphrodite crack whore). She returns

with Stan, Kyle and Kenny.

CARTMAN'S MOTHER

Look, Eric it's your little friends.

CARTMAN:

What the hell are you guys doing here?

IKE:

Baba turtre bad!

Kyle holds up the newspaper ad.

CARTMAN:

Ooh!

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

Now all four boys are merrily walking down the street and

singing.

BOYS:

We're going to the movies

To see the better side of life!

CARTMAN:

Maybe there'll be pirates!

Or a whole city burnin'!

Maybe we'll see a monster

Or, better yet, Uma Thurman!

BOYS:

We're going to the movies!

Everything's gonna be okay!

The boys skip out of frame.

EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY

The movie theatre is nestled neatly between two other South

Park buildings.

The boys walk up to the geeky, teenage TICKET GUY.

BOYS:

Going to the movies!

The movies today!!!!!

STAN:

Can I get five tickets to Terrance and

Phillip Asses of Fire, please?

TICKET GUY:

No.

Suddenly, all the happy music that has permeated the film

comes to an ABRUPT HALT.

The boys look confused.

KYLE:

What'dya mean, no?

TICKET GUY:

Terrance and Phillip Asses of Fire is

rated 'R'. You kids can't get in.

The boys look shocked. They just stand there, in silence.

CARTMAN:

The hell we can't! My money is just as

good as any white person's!

TICKET GUY:

You have to be accompanied by a parent or

guardian.

KYLE:

But why?

TICKET GUY:

Because this movie has naughty language,

and it might make you kids start using

bad words.

CARTMAN:

Listen you son of a b*tch, if you don't

let us in to see this movie I'm gonna

kick you square in the nuts.

TICKET GUY:

Sorry, Charlie.

KYLE:

Damn it!

TICKET GUY:

Next, please?

A few TEENAGERS walk up to get their tickets. The boys step

aside.

STAN:

This is terrible! This can't be

happening!!

KYLE:

We HAVE to see this movie, dude!

CARTMAN:

Aw, screw it. It probably isn't all that

good anyway.

KYLE:

Cartman! What the hell are you talking

about?! You LOVE Terrance and Philiip!

CARTMAN:

Yeah, but the animation's all crappy - it

probably can't sustain itself over ninety

minutes.

IKE:

Poo baba!

STAN:

Wait! I've got an idea!

EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - A LITTLE LATER

The old Homeless guy from the intro song walks up to the

Ticket Guy with the boys.

HOMELESS GUY:

Uh, hi. I want five tickets to Terrance

and Phillip Asses of Fire.

TICKET GUY:

You realize this movie is rated R? It may

not be appropriate for your little ones.

HOMELESS GUY:

Oh.

(Turning to boys)

Hey, he says this movie isn't appropriate

for you.

STAN:

(Whispering)

Look, homeless guy, if you don't want to

buy us tickets, and NOT get your ten

bucks and NOT go buy yourself a bottle of

Vodka and not forget about how miserable

your life is and not stop the voices in

your head then go right ahead.

HOMELESS GUY:

Five tickets please.

The Ticket guy suspiciously hands them over.

INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY

The boys are all sitting in the front row. Cartman has a huge

tub of popcorn, all kinds of candy, and a large drink.

IKE:

Purpre mama!

KYLE:

Be quiet, Ike! The movie's starting!

ANGLE - MOVIE SCREEN

A TITLE reads 'Terrance and Phillip - Asses of Fire'

BOYS:

HOORAY!!!

On the screen, we come across PHILLIP, a very handsome

Canadian star with a great body.

PHILLIP:

Say Terrance, what did the Spanish Priest

say to the Uranian gynecologist?

PAN OVER to TERRANCE, who is also Canadian, and equally

handsome in a more rugged way.

Rate this script:5.0 / 2 votes