South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #35

They all laugh merrily.

Satan stands over the cliff, looking down at where Saddam

fell.

SATAN:

He spent so much time convincing me I was

weak and stupid that I believed it

myself.

The boys look at each other, confused.

SATAN:

Saddam didn't respect me. All he wanted

was sex. But it took me so long to

figure that out.

He starts to cry. Chef hands him a hanky.

CHEF:

Here you go Satan-

SATAN:

Thank you. Give me the proofs of

purchases.

Kenny hands them to Satan.

SATAN:

Okay Kenny, I will keep the bargain. Any

wish you want is yours.

TRACK IN slowly on Kenny. MUSIC BUILDS. Finally, Kenny

speaks.

KENNY:

Mph rmph rmpg rmph mm.

Everyone GASPS!!

KYLE:

WHAT?

STAN:

Are you sure, Kenny?

SATAN:

What did he say?

STAN:

He said that his wish is for everyone who

died in the war to come back.

CHEF:

Kenny, you realize this wish is the only

chance for YOU not to be dead...

KENNY:

M mprh. Mph rmph rm rmph rm rmphm rmphm.

Mm rmphm rmphm rhmphm.

Triumphant music plays, as if Kenny is giving a grand,

important speech.

SATAN:

Very well, then. I will put an end to the

war as your wish and make everything as

it was before the war started. But you

Kenny, must remain dead.

KENNY:

Mph rm.

Satan turns to the open abyss.

SATAN:

I must admit, I'm kind of relieved. It's

too f***ing cold up here.

STAN:

Aren't there cold parts of hell?

SATAN:

Yeah, but it's a real dry cold. Here it's

the humidity that gets me. I guess I'm

destined to live in hell... alone...

Sadly, Satan walks back down the trench into hell. But

something catches his eye.

SATAN:

Hello... What's this?

Satan bends down and picks up Mr. Hat. He looks at it, and

then places it gently on his hand.

SATAN:

Hi there, little guy... Would you like to

go to hell with me?

SATAN (AS MR. HAT)

Sure. I bet we can be best friends!

Satan smiles. And walks down to hell with Mr. Hat.

The boys walks over to Kenny.

KYLE:

Thank you, Kenny.

STAN:

Yeah, thanks for going back to hell for

us. You're a real pal.

A bright red light flashes and Satan and his minions are

dragged back down into hell. Kenny is taken along with them.

At the same time, Garrison, Jimbo, Mackey and all the others

who died, suddenly and magically appear. They look at

themselves, wondering what just happened.

Everyone just stands around in a daze. Canadians and

Americans alike look at each other and wonder what to do.

MR. GARRISON

I... I'm alive... Where's Mr. Hat?

BIG GAY AL:

Wow... We were all killed and now we're

fine. That's super!

KYLE:

Whew, I'm sure glad that's over.

STAN:

Yeah, but you know, I learned something

today. I learned that getting all worked

up over f*** and sh*t and cockmaster is

just stupid... You all focused so hard on

erasing profanity that you forgot the

most important thing... To love each

other.

CARTMAN:

Yeah! You're all a bunch of stupid sons a

b*tches!

The boys' parents walk up.

STAN:

Mom, I'm a man. Just a man. And I'm going

to have fun with profanity just like you

and dad did when you were little.

KYLE:

Yeah, so what if you say uncle raper or

dicksucker or, or-

KYLE'S MOTHER

Shiteater-

STAN'S MOTHER

-Or monkey f***er-

They all laugh merrily at their naughtiness.

Wendy walks up to Stan.

WENDY:

I'm sorry Stan, I guess you really DO get

it after all!

Stan smiles. MUSIC swells.

STAN:

Wendy... How would you like to go get

some ice cream?

WENDY:

Sure, Stan! How did you know I loved ice

cream?

STAN:

My friend the clitoris told me.

WENDY:

Wow, I have a clitoris too.

STAN:

Really? Where the hell do you keep it?

It's huge.

Wendy grabs Stan and plants a big kiss on him. Stan vomits

into Wendy's mouth.

STAN:

But Wendy... What about Gregory?

Gregory stands off to one side, scowling.

WENDY:

Stan, I never cared for Gregory.

STAN:

You didn't?

WENDY:

No, dude. F*** him. F*** him in the ear.

STAN:

Cool!

WENDY:

(Singing)

Thank my lucky stars

Here before me now

Is everything I'd ever hoped for-

STAN:

Knew it in a word

Saw it in a glance

The only thing I think I'd die for

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