South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #34

KYLE:

What?

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

The deal's off, go away, guy.

SATAN:

No, Saddam. You made a deal. You can't

just renege on a deal. That's lying.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Relax b*tch! You're better seen, not

hear okay?

Saddam smacks Satan in the face. Now Satan looks mad, but he

sits down like a good little b*tch.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Now, let's start torturing people, shall

we? We'll start with...

(Looks at Cartman)

THIS little fat kid first!!

CARTMAN:

AY! Don't call me fat, buttfucker-

ZAP!! A huge CHARGE shoots from Cartman, knocking one of

hell's demons on his ass.

STAN:

Holy sh*t Cartman! What was that?!

CARTMAN:

How the f*** should I know!!

ZAP!!! Another huge CHARGE emits from the v-chip inside

Cartman and sends the other Swedish Soldier reeling.

KYLE:

Look at that!

CHEF:

It's that v-chip thing that's inside you,

Eric! The polarity must have been

reversed by the electric chair!

TERRANCE:

Oh boy!

A smile comes across Cartman's face.

CARTMAN:

BUTTFUCKING SH*T!

BZZZZZZZZT! A huge charge busts the chains that hold

Cartman's wrists.

He jumps down.

CARTMAN:

Yes!

TRIUMPHANT MUSIC plays as Cartman uses his newly found power.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Quick, Satan! Do something!

But before Satan can do anything, Cartman holds up his hands

and lets loose.

CARTMAN:

F*** A HUNK A SH*T, YOU RAT F***!!!

BZZZZZZZZZAAT!!!! A charge hits Satan square between the

eyes and knocks him down.

He gets to his knees and stands up again.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Hey, you need to watch your mouth, brat!

CARTMAN:

Try this on for size-

Cartman holds up his hands.

CARTMAN:

DRIPPING VAGINA EATING SON OF A

PIGFUCKING CRACK WHORE!!! HAIRY COCK

SLURPING MAGGOT FUUUUUCK!!!!

BZZZAAAAT!!

The charge hits Saddam in the chest. He drops again.

Saddam looks around and is suddenly scared. He appeals to

Cartman.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Hey buddy! No need to stress! Let me

make you a deal! How about a lifetime

supply of Snacky Smores and we just

forget about this whole thing?!

KYLE:

Don't listen to him, Cartman!

KENNY:

Mrphmmmph!!!

CARTMAN:

(giving in) Okay. (then) Not.

Cartman closes his eyes and hums like he's summoning up the

worst words in the world.

Then, it comes out. Like a volcano.

CARTMAN:

SUCK THE HOT SH*T FROM MY GURGLING ASS

YOU BLOOD DRENCHED FROZEN TAMPON ON A

STIIIIIIIIIIICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZATTTTTTTTT!!!!!

A huge purple jolt emerges from each of Cartman's hands and

joins into one powerful current that hits Saddam. Saddam is

thrown back against the wall.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

(To Satan)

What are you waiting for, b*tch?! Destroy

him!!

Satan looks at Cartman, then at Saddam, and thinks...

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Come on you weak, stupid cum bucket! Save

me!!

Satan stands there.

SATAN:

Help you? You've destroyed my life and

now you want me to help you?! You're

always making me feel like a piece of

sh*t.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Come on guy, you know I only rib you

because I love you so much!

SATAN:

If you love somebody then you treat them

with respect! You've never respected me!

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Can we talk about this later? Everyone

is watching!

SATAN:

I don't care! I want to talk about it

now!

Saddam grabs Satan by the arm.

SATAN:

Ow, you're hurting me!

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Listen guy, you're embarassing me in

front of my friends! You know how I get

mad when I get embarassed.

Satan starts getting really mad. Steam starts coming from

his nostrils.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Your little problems can wait til later,

see?

Steam starts coming out of Satan's nostrils.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Now do what I say and keep your f***ing

mouth shut!

SATAN:

THAT'S IT! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!!

Satan picks up Saddam, and throws him over a huge, flaming

cliff, back into the depths of hell.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!! Heeeeyyyy

guyyyyy, relaaaaaxx.....

CHEF:

Saddam Hussein is dead!

STAN AND KYLE:

Hooray!!!

Everyone cheers.

PHILLIP:

You're quite a purveyor of filth, little

boy!

TERRANCE:

Indeedy, that was a delicious choice of

words!

CARTMAN:

Well, I learned it all from you guys.

PHILLIP:

Of course you did, cock f***!

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