South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #33

As more bombs and gunshots go off. Kyle, Cartman and Ike

huddle close to each other in a trench.

CARTMAN:

Kyle... All those times I said you were a

big dumb Jew... I didn't mean it. You're

not a Jew.

Kyle thinks.

KYLE:

Yes I am!

IKE:

Baba mama!

Another explosion rocks the trench. Dirt flies all over the

boys' heads.

CARTMAN:

AGH!

(Noticing Mr. Hat in his hand)

What the hell am I still holding this

for?!

Cartman tosses Mr. Hat out of the trench. We hear GUNSHOTS

and then VERY FAINTLY we hear Garrison's voice.

MR. GARRISON

Mr. Hat! Noooooo!

Suddenly, Stan jumps down into the trench.

KYLE:

Stan!

STAN:

Dude, I found the clitoris! I think I can

get Wendy to like me now!

KYLE:

Sweet.

CARTMAN:

(Sarcastic)

Oh, that's swell, Stan. I guess all's

well that ends well, huh? We can go home

now. There's just one little thing left

to tie up... WORLD WAR THREE!!!

More explosions go off. Dead bodies fly all around the boys.

Suddenly, Kenny appears before the boys.

CARTMAN/KYLE

AGAGAH!!!

CARTMAN:

It's him! I told you!! Kenny's come to

take us to the netherworld!

KENNY:

Mph rmph rmph rmph?!

KYLE:

Wait! He's not haunting us, he's trying

to tell us something!

KENNY:

Mph rmph rm rmph rm!

CARTMAN:

Okay! We can get you some proofs of

purchases for Snacky Smores Kenny! Just

mellow the heck out!

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN SOUTH PARK - NIGHT

More battle. People are dying left and right.

The Doctor from the Hospital scene runs in with an M-16. A

Canadian steps in front of him, the doctor shoots, and blows

the Canadian's head clean off.

DOCTOR GAUCHE:

Hey, pal, don't lose your head.

Suddenly, the ticket guy's chest rips open. He falls dead,

and standing behind him is a Canadian with a double barreled

shotgun.

CANADIAN SOLDIER

I'm glad you got that off your chest.

Tom the Rhinoplasty surgeon leaps in and stabs the Canadian

through the head with his bayonet.

TOM:

I guess he got the point.

A Canadian rushes in and machine guns Tom full of holes.

CANADIAN SOLDIER 2

Plastics are a cheap and efficient

insulator for electrical applications.

Just as the fighting escalates, Satan and his minions rush

in.

SATAN:

Yes! Good! Fight and kill one another!

The soldiers all look scared and puzzled.

SATAN:

You're all part of Satan's army now!

KYLE'S MOTHER

What the hell is going on?!

Satan gets in Kyle's mother's face.

SATAN:

I am the dark master!

KYLE'S MOTHER

Oh no you don't! This is MY fight!! I

don't need your help, Alan Dershwitz!

SATAN:

SILENCE! I AM SATAN!

KYLE'S MOTHER

Oh.

SATAN:

YOU HAVE SPILLED THE BLOOD OF THE

INNOCENTS. NOW THE WORLD BELONGS TO ME...

NOW BEGINS TWO MILLION YEARS OF

DARKNESS!! AND ALL THANKS TO YOU!!!

Kyle's mother backs down, ashamed.

CHEF:

Oh, good job, Mrs. Broflofski, thanks a

lot.

KYLE'S MOTHER

I... I was just trying to make the world

a better place for children...

SATAN:

Yes... And in doing so, you brought

enough anger and intolerance to the world

to allow my coming.

KYLE'S MOTHER

And I thought my mother was the master of

guilt. Geez Louise.

SATAN:

SILENCE!!! NOW!!! EVERYONE BOW DOWN TO

ME!!!

KYLE'S MOTHER

Oh God... What have I done...

One by one, the soldiers start to kneel.

Satan throws his arms up in the air and laughs a horrible,

deep laugh that fills the world.

But just then, the ground shakes again. Satan looks over to

the huge abyss he had crawled out of and notices another

figure.

He is burnt horribly, but it is Saddam. He holds a martini

glass in his hand.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Hey, I'm missing the party!

SATAN:

No! It can't be!

Saddam, burnt to a crisp, walks over to Satan and grabs his

ass.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Did you miss me, buttercup?

(Yelling out)

All right, gang! I am your new ruler now!

Everyone bow down to ME!!

Satan puts his head down.

KYLE:

HOLD EVERYTHING!!!

Kyle walks up with Cartman, Stan and Kenny.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Oh, it's the bratty kid from hell.

KYLE:

You made a deal with Kenny that if he got

ten proofs of purchases from Snacky

Smores you'd grant him any wish.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

And?

Kenny pulls out the proofs of purchases. TRIUMPHANT MUSIC

plays.

SATAN:

I TOLD you not to make that deal, Saddam!

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

Who gives a f***?! I was just f***ing

with him!

Rate this script:5.0 / 2 votes