South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #32

A bloody soldier suddenly stumbles and falls in front of the

boys holding a massive head wound.

KYLE:

Hey! It's Mr. Garrison!!

Garrison lies on the ground, coughing up blood.

MR. GARRISON

Children... Take Mr. Hat... Please... Get

him out of here...

Garrison takes Mr. Hat off his hand and gives it to Cartman.

Just then, Garrison goes limp.

Cartman looks at the Mr. Hat in his hand and scowls. The boys

run from the battle.

They pass the American troops, where all the black guys are

standing in a human shield around the white guys.

CHEF:

Alright, squad... JUST LIKE I TOLD YOU...

ONE!!

The Canadian tanks take aim.

CHEF:

TWO!

The Canadian tanks fire.

CHEF:

THREE!!

All the black guys suddenly jump out of the way, leaving the

whites completely exposed.

GENERAL PLYMKIN:

What the-

The tank fire hits the army, blowing all the white soldiers

to smithereens, including Ned and Jimbo.

BLACK SOLDIER:

GREAT PLAN, CHEF!

CHEF:

Operation Human Shield my ASS!

EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY

From an EXTREME WIDE SHOT, we see all the forces on both

sides exchange firepower. The Canadian National anthem can be

heard in the distance.

We see Mr. Mackey looking like a natural born killer. He

shoots like a maniac into the Canadians. He wounds one and

then marches over to the wriggling body with a knife.

MR. MACKEY

Die Canadian, mmkay?!

And he drives the knife into the Canadian's chest.

But then, suddenly, another Canadian Soldier appears out of

nowhere, and blows a hole through Mackey's chest.

MR. MACKEY

Mkay-

Mackey falls to the ground, dead. Just then Big Gay Al runs

through the frame, we FOLLOW him as he skips his way around

gunfire.

BIG GAY AL:

Ooh! Goodness those bullets are going

FAST!!!

Another bullet zings by his head.

BIG GAY AL:

Jumping Jesus, this is insane!!

THUMP! A bullet hits Big Gay Al square in the head. More

bullets follow, tearing him to shreds.

WIDE ANGLE ON - ENTIRE BATTLE

This shot parodies one of the big shots from 'Saving Private

Ryan'. Just complete overkill. Explosions, helicopters,

gunfire and death.

Kyle's mother, and the other mothers as well, stand on a

ridge overlooking the horrific massacre.

STAN'S MOTHER

My God... This is terrible...

Kyle's mother holds out her M-16. She is now completely

insane.

KYLE'S MOTHER

This is what we wanted! We wanted our

children to be brought up in a smut-free

environment!!!

KENNY'S MOTHER

But we didn't want THIS. I just followed

you 'cause I made a shitload of money

selling Kenny t-shirts!

STAN'S MOTHER

Oh Lord, what have we done...?

KYLE'S MOTHER

Wake up, people! We all have to do

things that aren't pretty sometimes! It's

the not pretty things that make life

worth fighting the not pretty things for!

Why do you think children have to be born

in hospitals?

The other mothers look very confused.

KYLE'S MOTHER

Why does it matter?! My plan is a perfect

plan!! Perfect! Perfect! Perfect!!!!!

The other mothers walk away.

KYLE'S MOTHER

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! We need to stop the

not pretty things from letting our

children be born in hospitals!

STAN'S MOTHER

We're going to find our boys! For God's

sake Sheila, you almost had them killed!!

Kyle's mother turns back to the battle. More killing and

explosions.

KYLE'S MOTHER

Killed. They should only be so lucky.

Kyle wasn't even BORN in a hospital!

She charges the field.

EXT. BATTLEFIELD - CONTINUOUS

Terrance and Phillip are dodging gunfire and super loud

explosions.

PHILLIP:

Did you hear that, Terrance? I farted!

TERRANCE:

You did? Just now?

They laugh merrily.

PHILLIP:

Come on, we can take shelter in one of

those buildings!

But just then, Kyle's mother comes charging in with her gun!!

KYLE'S MOTHER

AAAGHGAHGHGH!!! YOU DESTROYED MY

FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!

Phillip spins around just in time to see Kyle's mother

plunge her bayonet into Terrance's abdomen.

TERRANCE:

AGH!

PHILLIP:

Terrance! NO!

KYLE'S MOTHER

DIE!!!!!!

SLOW MOTION SHOT -

Blood from Terrance's abdomen slowly spills from his stomach.

Everything gets SILENT as we follow the blood down, down,

down...

Until it hits the ground with a huge, echoing BWOOOMMMM!!!

CLOSE UP on Kyle's mother's eyes.

CLOSE UP on the spot of blood on the ground...

BACK TO REAL TIME

Suddenly, the ground starts to open up! FWOOM!! Great flames

and ash take over the sky.

Satan and his minions explode from below. Everyone stops

fighting for a moment, to watch this amazing spectacle.

SATAN:

RAAGHGH!!!! MY TIME HAS COME!!!

Demons and flames emerge from the ground. All the soldiers on

both sides can't believe what they're seeing.

Now out of the giant abyss comes Kenny. He dusts himself off

and looks around.

EXT. TRENCH - NIGHT

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