South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut Page #31

BIG THING:

There are more important matters right

now...

STAN:

NO WAY, DUDE! I'VE LOOKED ALL OVER FOR

YOU, AND NOW YOU HAVE TO TELL ME HOW TO

GET WENDY TO LIKE ME!!

BIG THING:

Dude, she's eight years old, just get her

some ice cream or something.

STAN:

Of COURSE!! Ice cream!!

BIG THING:

Now go, your friends are in danger... The

USO show is a mile east of here, just

over that ridge. The clitoris has spoken.

The clitoris fades, and just as it does, all the kids of La

Resistance come running into frame. Wendy and Gregory are

with them as well.

WENDY:

Stan! Stan are you okay?!

STAN:

Wendy?

GREGORY:

I see you failed in your mission.

Terrance and Phillip must be dead by now.

Wendy bends down to pick up Stan.

WENDY:

Come on Stan, we have to hurry. The

Canadian forces are about to attack!!

Wendy pulls Stan up off the ground and slings his arm around

her.

EXT. USO SHOW - NIGHT

A drummer plays as the execution begins.

GENERAL PLYMKIN:

We begin with Terrance and Phillip!!!

Throw the switch!!!

The executioner throws the switch and Terrance and Phillip

start to fry. Kyle, Cartman and Ike, in their chairs, look

horrified.

KYLE'S MOTHER

Goodbye, bastards!

Near death, Terrance cranks out a weak fart. Terrance and

Phillip both laugh weakly but merrily.

TERRANCE:

Take that, b*tch.

As Terrance and Phillip fry, they scream out:

PHILLIP/TERRANCE

FREEEEEEDOMMMMM!!!

Suddenly, FWWOOOMMM!!! A Bomb lands in the middle of the

army. BLAM!! It explodes with incredible force, sending dead

bodies in all directions.

Canadian military planes zoom overhead! It's a full scale

attack!!

From a HIGH ANGLE we see the soldiers all scatter like bugs

in every direction.

MR. GARRISON

THE CANADIANS ARE ATTACKING!! RUN FOR

YOUR LIVES!!

FWWOOMM!!! BLAMM!! Another explosion! Everybody just starts

screaming and shooting in every direction. Total and

complete mayhem.

One explosion knocks out the electricity, and Terrance and

Phillip stop drying.

The electricity runs along a wire, across the stage, and

right up Cartman's leg. Cartman starts frying horribly.

KYLE:

CARTMAN!

CARTMAN:

(Frying)

WAGAGAHGHGH!! YOU GUYS!!! SERIOUSLY!!!

PHILLIP:

What's going on Terrance?

TERRANCE:

Canada is saving us!!

Finally, Cartman is blown clear of the electricity. Kyle

picks him up and starts to run along with Ike.

INT. HELL - SATAN'S BEDROOM

Satan opens the door to find Saddam sleeping happily in his

cozy bed. He is only wearing little black g-string panties.

SATAN:

(Whispering)

Have you finished?

Now we see that Kenny is standing at the foot of the bed. He

holds a gasoline can, and has just finished pouring the last

drops underneath the bed.

KENNY:

Mph mph.

SATAN:

Then move out of the way.

Kenny walks over next to Satan. Satan pulls out a book of

matches.

SATAN:

I must be strong... I must be strong...

Satan tries to light the match. It won't light.

SATAN:

Damn it...

Finally, the match lights. Satan holds it up-

SATAN:

Goodbye, Saddam...

-and throws it onto the bed.

SATAN:

Come on!

Saddam burns to a crisp and Satan and Kenny run out.

EXT. USO SHOW - DAY

People run screaming in all directions as a full scale attack

has broken out. Gunfire, explosions and dead bodies fly all

around.

JIMBO:

Ned! Behind you!

Ned whips around and mows down a line of Canadians. But one

Canadian makes it through, and sticks his bayonet through

Ned's neck.

Blood gushes from Ned's neck as he collapses.

JIMBO:

NED!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!

FWWOOM!! BLAMMM!!! The boys runs as fast as they can amidst

the explosions.

CARTMAN:

HOLY SH*T!

(Zap)

AGHAGHGAH!!

Now when the V-chip shocks Cartman, we can actually see the

blue current swirl around his body.

CARTMAN:

HEY! THIS V-CHIP IS GETTING ALL SCREWY!!

General Plymkin has followed his men into the trench, where

explosions and gunfire fly all around. He pulls out a walkie

talkie as his men die all around him.

GENERAL PLYMKIN:

ALRIGHT MEN!!! FALL INTO FORMATION!

"HUMAN SHIELD" UP FRONT THEN "OPERATION

GET BEHIND THE DARKIES"!!!

They all fall in. A phalanx of black men, Chef included in

them, walk out in front of a bunch of white guys.

GENERAL PLYMKIN:

REMEMBER, HUMAN SHIELD! PROTECT OUR

TANKS AND PLANES, TOO!

Just then, over a ridge in front of them, a line of Canadian

tanks appears. The tanks are lined up 3 deep. Behind them is

a line of missile launchers. General Plymkin's jaw drops.

GENERAL PLYMKIN:

Holy Mother of Johosephat...

The black guys all look at each other nervously.

EXT. BATTLEFIELD

The boys run through the chaos. Body parts and scrapnel fly

here and there.

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