South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut Page #3

to better yourself, m'kay?

I hope you've learned

something through this experience.

I did. I learned that you are

a boner-biting, dick-fart f***-face.

Want to see the northern lights?

You burned yourself to death

by lighting your fart.

I sure did, Phillip.

Uncle F***er! Good night.

Oh, man. This movie rules.

Man, that movie gets better

every time I see it.

That part about lighting farts

is bullshit.

- You can't do that.

KENNY:
Yes, you can.

No way.

(KENNY MUMBLES)

Okay, Kenny. I'll bet you $ 100

you can't light a fart on fire.

- Holy sh*t, dude!

- Look out!

Sh*t! Sh*t!

Help! Somebody do something!

This stick is on fire!

Oh, my God! You killed Kenny!

You bastard!

I guess you can light a fart on fire.

DOCTOR:
Load that IV with 70cc's

of sodium Pentothal.

NURSE:

We called the parents.

Our moms will find out

we went to the movie again.

DOCTOR:

Vacuum!

Try to untangle his trachea

and esophagus.

DOCTOR:

No, that doesn't go there!

- Gross, Stan!

- That's sick!

NURSE:
Watch his liver!

ASSISTANT:
I'll get it.

DOCTOR:
We have little time left.

We'll lose him soon.

His heart stopped.

Get it out of there.

Zap this, quick!

Who's making a potato?

My bad. I missed lunch.

Damn it, I'm not gonna lose this kid!

DOCTOR:

Close him up. We've done all we can.

The rest is up to God.

DOCTOR:
Kenny, can you hear me?

KENNY:
Sh*t, dude.

How are you feeling?

Great. Son, I have some bad news.

We replaced your heart with a potato.

You have three seconds to live.

- F***ing weak, dude!

- Oh, my God. They killed Kenny!

You bastards!

Damn it!

It never gets any easier!

I bet him he couldn't do it.

I bet him $ 100.

- It's not your fault.

- No, I'm stoked I don't have to pay.

That's real nice! He was your friend,

you fat f***!

So, boys, you saw that movie again?

- Yes.

- Well, Kyle, I have had it!

You are grounded

for the next two weeks!

Grounded?

And you, Stan. Come on.

And you're grounded

for three weeks, Eric.

Why am I grounded more?

That's bullshit.

What, what, what?!

What was that word, young man?

MALE SINGER:

Little boy at peace

What is this place

Beyond the stars

Open up your eyes

What are these things

You're moving toward

Head so full of wonder

Worries in the past

Could it be

That you are free at last

No!

Little boy, you're going to hell

You said bad words, threw rocks at birds

Now this is your hotel

This ain 't Disneyland, it's hell

Little boy, it's time for you to pay

For not going to church

And staring at b*obs every day

Thought you were in bed

Instead you're in hell

No, hell isn 't good

Hell isn 't good, hell

No, hell isn 't good

Hell isn 't good, yeah

F***-face, have you seen Gracie?

There is orderliness in the universe.

Parents, our children are

out of control!

This is what happens when toilet humor

is allowed to run rampant!

That's right.

Kenny set himself on fire...

...because he saw Terrance and Phillip

do it in that dirty movie.

We must stop dirty language from

getting to our children's ears.

We must go fight the source of it!

But what is the source?

That's easy.

SINGING:
Times have changed

Our kids are getting worse

They won 't obey their parents

They just want to fart and curse

Should we blame the government

Or blame society

Or should we blame the images on TV

No, blame Canada!

Blame Canada

With all their beady little eyes

And flappin ' heads so full of lies

Blame Canada

Blame Canada

- We need to form a full assault

- It's Canada 's fault

Don 't blame me for my son Stan

He saw the darn cartoon

And now he's off to join the Klan

And my boy Eric once

Had my picture on his shelf

But now when I see him

He tells me to f*** myself

Well, blame Canada

Blame Canada

It seems that everything's gone wrong

Since Canada came along

They're not even a real country anyway

My son could've been a doctor

Or a lawyer rich and true

Instead he burned up like a piggy

On a barbecue

Should we blame the matches

Should we blame the fire

Or the doctors who allowed him to expire

Heck, no!

Blame Canada

Blame Canada

- With all their hockey hullabaloo

- And that b*tch Anne Murray too

The smut and trash we must bash

The laughs and fun must be undone

We must lament and cause a fuss

Before somebody thinks of blaming us

SHELLEY:

All right, you turds, listen up!

Your moms are at a meeting

and they put me in charge of you.

But you're still grounded,

so you're not allowed to have any fun!

Any questions?

Shelley, where's the clitoris?

You all sit there and keep

your mouths shut...

...while I go listen to

my Britney Spears records.

Okay, it's clear!

Our next guests have

the number one movie in the world.

Please welcome Terrance and Phillip!

- Hello, Conan.

- Hello, Brooke Shields.

Some people claim that your Canadian

humor is just immature fart jokes.

That's not true.

Take this classic Canadian joke.

- Excuse me, Terrance.

- Yes, Phillip?

Gosh darn it!

- Good one. Cheers.

- Cheers, f***-face.

You can't say that on TV.

Now Terrance smells like my ass.

I farted once on the set

of Blue Lagoon.

Does it make you nervous to be

in America?

Our organizations want you

arrested for destroying children.

- They'd have to find us first.

- You're right. Now!

Mothers Against Canada is placing you

under citizen's arrest!

- Mom?

- What's going on?

We have a court order for your arrest!

Phillip, we've been ambushed!

Here you go, Conan.

This little scrotum-sucker deceived us!

You are a bad man!

Don't listen to them.

You loved our movie, Conan.

We watched it together.

Remember? You laughed.

What have I done?

(CAR ALARM)

(TURNS ALARM OFF)

Did you see that?

They arrested Terrance and Phillip!

As Canadian ambassador...

...I condemn America's actions

in apprehending Terrance and Phillip.

The entire economy of Canada relies

on Terrance and Phillip.

Without them,

we'd have a recession.

What say you,

Mr. American Ambassador?

F*** Canada!

F*** you, buddy!

Terrance and Phillip

will not be released.

They'll be put on trial

for corrupting America's youth.

What's all the fuss about?

The fuss is aboot taking our citizens!

It's aboot not censoring our art!

It's aboot...

What's so goddamn funny?

Nothing. Could you tell us again

what your argument is all about?

This is not aboot diplomacy. This is

aboot dignity. It's aboot respect.

Aboot realizing that humor...

Release them, or we'll

give you something to cry aboot!

Pilot to bombardier.

We're nearing the target.

Bomb's ready, buddy.

(PHONE RINGS)

No, this is Billy Baldwin.

If you want Daniel Baldwin,

call his extension, stupid!

Alec, do you know what sucks

about being a Baldwin?

- No. What?

- Nothing!

BILLY:

You missed me!

Your mothers are making me throw away

my lesson plan and teach theirs.

How come our moms arrested

Terrance and Phillip?

Yeah.

Your moms are just upset.

They're probably all on their periods.

Not cool.

Wendy and I think

that was a sexist statement.

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