South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut Page #4

Sorry, but I don't trust anything that

bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Anyway, children, let's start off

with some vocabulary.

MR. MACKEY OVER P. A:

Attention, students.

What now?

Come to the gymnasium immediately

for a special announcement.

- What's going on, Chef?

- Something big, children.

I can't find the clitoris.

You have to help.

Stan, the clitoris is...

Take your seats.

They're about to announce it.

This is a state of emergency.

Now to the White House for

an announcement from the President.

My fellow Americans...

...at 5 a.m. Today,

a day which will live in infamy...

...the Canadians have bombed

the Baldwins.

In response to this, the U. S. Has

declared war on Canada.

- Oh, no.

- War?

- No, Gregory, no!

- This is bad. Hold on to me.

All the Baldwins are dead?

It's time for us to send

a message to Canadians.

In two days, the war criminals,

Terrance and Phillip...

...will be executed.

They're gonna kill them?

And now I'd like to bring up my newly

appointed Secretary of Offense...

...Ms. Sheila Broflovski.

Holy sh*t, dude!

My fellow Americans...

...our neighbor to the north

has abused us for the last time!

- I have a plan...

- Canadians want to fight us...

...because we won 't tolerate

their potty-mouths.

If it is war they want...

...then war they shall have!

Dude, this is f***ing weak.

How could things be any worse?

Fallen one, I am Satan.

I am your god now.

(KENNY SCREAMS)

There is no escape.

Now feel the delightful pain.

SADDAM:

Hey, Satan.

Did you hear the news?

A war just broke out up on Earth.

Meet Saddam Hussein,

my new partner in evil.

You're hogging all the fun.

Man, this is getting me so hot!

Would you let me do my job?

Rub my nipples while I torture

this little piggy.

Could I talk to you over here?

I don't see why you have to belittle me

in front of people like that.

Relax, guy.

Sometimes, I think you don't have

any respect for me.

Come here, guy.

Who's my cream puff?

- I am.

- That's my baby.

I don't wanna be at war.

You think they'll kill

Terrance and Phillip?

Kyle, stop being a chicken sh*t

and stand up to your mother.

Smack her and say, "That's enough

of your sh*t, you b*tch!"

Don't call my mom a b*tch!

Stop it! This isn't helping.

We've gotta think. Let's see.

- What would Brian Boitano do?

- Yeah, what would Brian Boitano do?

What's going on?

America thinks it has the right

to police the world.

Your government will kill two Canadians,

an action condemned by the U.N.

Home of the free, indeed.

Let's play tetherball.

This is about freedom of speech!

About censorship!

Be more political...

STAN SINGS:

There's the girl that I like

Now it appears

That she likes another guy

It must be because

He's political and stuff

I bet I could be political too

What do you think, Stan?

Damn it!

- This is all Kyle's mom's fault.

- Shut up, Cartman!

Kyle's mom started that damn club.

- All because she's a fat, stupid b*tch.

- Don't say it, Cartman!

Well...

Don't do it, Cartman.

Well...

I'm warning you!

I'm sick of him calling my mom a...

SINGING:
Kyle's mom 's a witch

The biggest b*tch in the world

She's a stupid b*tch

She's a b*tch to all the boys and girls

Shut your f***ing mouth, Cartman!

Monday and Tuesday she's a b*tch

Wednesday to Saturday she's a b*tch

On Sunday just to be different

She's a super King Kamehameha b*tch

Come on, you all know the words.

Have you met Kyle's mom

She's the biggest b*tch

In the world

She's a mean old b*tch

And she has stupid hair

She's a b*tch b*tch b*tch

She's a stupid b*tch

Kyle's mom 's a b*tch

And she's just a dirty b*tch

Talk to kids around the world

It might go something like this

(NONSENSICAL LYRICS)

Have you met Kyle's mom

She's the biggest b*tch

In the world

She's a mean old b*tch

And she has stupid hair

She's a b*tch b*tch b*tch

She's a stupid b*tch

Kyle's mom 's a b*tch

And she's just a dirty b*tch

I really mean it

Kyle's mom

She's a big fat f***ing b*tch

Big old fat f***ing b*tch

Kyle's mom

What?

CARTMAN:

Oh, f***.

SHEILA:
Everyone, settle down.

As we continue to send troops

into Canada...

...M.A.C. Is also fighting the war

against potty-mouths here at home.

Here to present the V-chip

is Dr. Vosknocker.

The machinery of the V-chip

is very simple.

It is placed under the child's skin...

...emitting a small shock of electricity

whenever an obscenity is uttered.

Wait a minute. This chip somehow knows

if the child is swearing?

It's like a lie detector.

Certain things happen to you

when you swear, just like when you lie.

The chip picks up on this and gives

the subject a little prick.

Patient B-5, would you

step out here, please?

Patient B-5 here has been fitted

with the new V-chip.

My head hurts.

Don't worry about that.

Now, I want you to say "doggy."

Doggy.

Notice that nothing happens.

- Now say "Montana."

- Montana.

Good.

Now, "pillow."

Pillow.

All right. Now I want you to say

"horse-f***er."

Go ahead, Eric. It's all right.

Horse-f***...

That hurt, goddamn...

F***!

Now I'd like you to say

"big, floppy donkey dick."

Success!

The child doesn't want to swear!

This isn't fair, you sons of b*tches!

We will start putting V-chips

in all our children next week!

ANNOUNCER:
Snacky Smores presents:

The March of War.

Let's hear it for our boys.

Clinton has called them

to fight the evil Canadians.

A full-scale attack was launched

on Toronto...

...after the Canadians ' last bombing,

which devastated the Arquettes.

For security measures,

our great government is rounding up...

...all citizens with Canadian blood

and putting them into camps.

Canadian-Americans are to report

to one of these death camps right away.

Did I say "death camps"?

I meant happy camps,

where you will eat the finest meals...

...have access to fabulous doctors

and exercise regularly.

Meanwhile, war criminals Terrance

and Phillip are prepped for execution.

Their execution will take place...

...during a fabulous USO show,

with guest celebrities, including...

...Big Gay Al and Winona Ryder.

Of course, the only way to see the

USO show is to sign up for the Army!

So join the Army and kill

some Canadian scum as we continue...

...the march of war.

Eat Snacky Smores.

We must rid ourselves

of anything Canadian.

Don't you like

Terrance and Phillip anymore?

Course not! Mommy says I hate Canadians

because they made me have a dirty mouth.

Burn it all!

- Hey, dudes.

- What's the matter, Cartman?

It's this V-chip. I hate it.

I can't say any dirty words.

- So you can't say "f***"?

- No.

- And you can't say "sh*t"?

- No.

You can't say, "I'm Cartman,

the fattest piece of sh*t in the world"?

- F*** you!

- Dude. Sweet!

This has gone far enough.

It's time we talked to our moms.

We're supposed to be grounded.

Come on, it's time for us

to get political.

Canada will no longer corrupt

our children!

Mom, can I talk to you?

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