South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut Page #6

- My behind is killing me.

- Your "behind"?

I have to say "behind" because

I get shocked if I say "ass."

Did you bring the punch and pie?

No. You guys, something happened.

I don't think Kenny's dead.

I saw him in my room.

I know, Cartman.

I see Kenny every day.

- You do?

- Sure, dude.

On the face of every child,

on the smile of every baby.

This was Kenny! He said that if

Terrance and Phillip die...

...Saddam Hussein and Satan will

come up and rule the world!

Saddam Hussein?

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

KYLE:

Who is it?

GREGORY:

I'm here for La Rsistance.

KYLE:

What's the password?

GREGORY:

I don't know.

KYLE:

Guess.

GREGORY:

Bacon.

KYLE:

Okay.

Viva La Rsistance!

Oh, no! It's that kid!

This is the place.

Stan? You started La Rsistance?

You're more political than we thought.

GREGORY:
Let us get this meeting

underway. Many others are coming.

A lot of people showed up.

Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be

killed, and we think that sucks ass!

We were to understand there'd be

pie and punch.

There isn't any.

Terrance and Phillip are

supposed to be killed...

...so we should prank call

a bunch of policemen...

...and have pizzas sent to them

that they didn't order.

Viva La Rsistance!

- May I?

- What?

Terrance and Phillip are being held

in a camp two kilometers from town.

They are to be executed tomorrow

during a star-studded USO show.

Tomorrow?

Once the show begins,

we'll have an hour...

...to get them out of their cell

and into this clearing.

There, we will rendezvous

and take them back to Canada.

Dude, Wendy's new guy is smart.

Meet me at the rendezvous point

at 10 p.m.

Sneaking in and breaking them out

will be dangerous...

...so I'll go myself.

No! We're going!

We started La Rsistance. We'll get

them and meet at the rendezvous point.

This will be very dangerous.

Are you quite sure?

F*** that!

Do you want that V-chip in you forever?

We'll go. Let's run through the plan.

Oh, boy! Military action, Ned!

Let's kill us some goddamn Australians!

I think we're fighting Canadians.

Canadians, Australians,

what's the difference?

This uniform makes me feel like

a tough, brute man, Mr. Hat.

It sure does, Mr. Garrison.

I can't wait

for our first shore leave...

...so I can get me

some f***ing poon tang.

Pay attention! Tomorrow night is

the USO show for all you troops.

There will be celebrities, followed by

the execution of Terrance and Phillip.

(CHEERING)

After the show, we will finally be

sending ground troops into Canada.

So let's strategize.

Map!

Our sources have told us

that the Canadians...

...are preparing for our invasion,

so we must use caution.

Each battalion has

a specific code name and mission.

Battalion 5, raise your hands.

You will be the all-important

first attack wave...

...which we will call

"Operation Human Shield."

Wait a minute!

Keep in mind Operation Human Shield

will suffer heavy losses.

Battalion 14?

Right. You are

Operation Get-Behind-the-Darkies.

You will follow Battalion 5.

Try not to get killed, for God's sake.

Are there are any questions?

Yes, soldier.

Have you ever heard

of the Emancipation Proclamation?

I don't listen to hip-hop.

After that, we will march into

the heart of Canada, and we will...

I'm gonna get you!

What's wrong with this thing?

It's f***ing Windows 98!

Get Bill Gates in here!

You told us Windows 98 would be faster,

with better access to the Internet!

It is faster. Over five million...

All right, men, get lots of rest...

...and prepare to...

After you have Terrance and Phillip,

make your way to this ridge.

We will wait for you.

But not for long...

...so if you're not there at 10,

we'll have to leave.

You're brave, but you'll need help

from someone who's done this before.

- Here's the address of "The Mole."

- "The Mole?"

He is an expert in covert operations.

Your first task will be obtaining him.

Get lots of sleep. Tomorrow we will

all be risking our lives for freedom.

SINGING:

God has smiled upon you this day

The fate of a nation in your hands

And blessed be the children here

Who fight with all our bravery

Till only the righteous stand

You see the distant flames

They bellow in the night

You fight in all our names

For what we know is right

And when you all get shot

And cannot carry on

Though you die, La Rsistance lives on

You may get stabbed in the head

With a dagger or a sword

You may be burned to death

Or skinned alive or worse

But when they torture you

You will not feel the need to run

For though you die,

La Rsistance lives on

Blame Canada

Blame Canada

The country's gone awry

Tomorrow night these freaks will fry

Tomorrow night

Our lives will change

Tomorrow night

We'll be entertained

An execution, what a sight

Tomorrow night

There's so much room

Babies burp and flowers bloom

Tomorrow night up there is doomed

And so I will be going soon

Shut your f***ing face

Uncle F***er

You're a boner-biting bastard

Uncle F***er

- We may be out of luck

- Tomorrow night, we're pretty f***ed

Why'd our mothers start this war

What are they fighting for

When did this song become a marathon

When Canada is dead and gone

There'll be no more Celine Dion

They may cut your dick in half

And serve it to a pig

And though it hurts, you'll laugh

And dance a dickless jig

That's the way it goes

In war you're shat upon

Though you die

La Rsistance lives on

I'm so excited. Just one more day

until we can take over the world.

I don't know if I can sleep,

if you know what I mean.

This book talks about how people

communicate differently.

I communicate by wanting you

to ask me questions, and you...

That is interesting. Let's f***!

Saddam, I'm trying to have

a nice conversation with you!

Now that is just not appropriate!

Come on, I'm just f***ing with you!

It's not real!

- Well, that's still not appropriate.

- Hey, daddy.

It's not real, either! Come on, guy!

KENNY:

What's wrong?

Soon the world will belong to me.

KENNY:

What's the matter, dude?

It's Saddam.

He doesn't nurture my emotions.

He just wants sex and can't learn

to communicate.

- Why don't you leave him?

- You're right.

I should leave him.

I'll tell him...

..."Saddam, I'm going to Earth

to rule alone!"

- I'm strong and I don't need him!

- Good for you!

SINGING:

Today's the day for the USO show

We're so happy we get to go

I don 't know but I've been told

Canadian p*ssy is mighty cold

Stay in the attic,

because if they find you...

...they'll put you in

a concentration camp.

Don't worry.

We'll put an end to this.

Then I'll make Mom come home,

and we'll all be a family again.

(IKE BABBLES)

- Hello?

- Hi.

We need to speak with The Mole.

I'm sorry. The Mole is grounded.

He can't come out and play.

- What?!

- He's a kid?

He said very naughty things about God.

Can we just talk to him

for five seconds?

Well, all right. Christophe!

We're gonna rescue Terrance

and Phillip from the USO show...

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